I said it.

I admitted to myself today that I hate my life. I hate where I am in this life. I said it out loud, and not to myself. I said it as I was exiting the car to my Dad before he drove away with my daughter for the next 5 hours.

But I was wrong. I don't hate my life. That part of my life driving off, I love it because it's unconditional and always. Not because it's family but because it would do ANYTHING for me. My parents, my brother and my daughter is really all I have. Hands down, no doubt about it. My daughter doesn't know it yet because she's so young.

What I left behind? 
Someone who isn't selfish, but who doesn't think enough about anything to begin with.
Someone who isn't controlling, but has no opinion about anything.
Someone who isn't angry, but doesn't show much emotion at all.
Someone who didn't leave, but isn't really here as often as he is sitting in the room.
Someone who puts on a good show but isn't much to look at initially.
Someone who doesn't care enough about himself thus, doesn't give anything or others much thought.
Someone who won't say 'No' but won't say 'Yes' either.


I've tolerated a lot from him, only because change is hard. You can't change over night if you want to, but when you try, believe me, I give props where it's due. I acknowledge change, attempts, and I praise. One would even go far enough to say I've bragged, a little.
But when my daughter has to go 5 hours without eating, or cries when the TV is shut off simply because I haven't been home to spend time with her/I'm working a couple hours more or longer, something is drastically wrong.

Scenario 1.
I'd been working double shifts In November and December often. Come December, Chris is able to take a week off BEFORE his vacation time for Christmas. So for those 2 weeks, I pulled a lot of extra hours and he was here with her. I'd go to work, come home, he's on the PC, make lunch and go to work, he's on the PC, come back and he's on the PC.

One day, same scenario. Only when I made lunch, I served it to Jaiden with instructions that he HAS TO SIT with her to make sure she eats. Said he would. Come home at 9pm, that plate I left at 345pm is STILL there where I left it.
"Did she eat?
Yes.
What'd she have?
She had some toast.."

Meandered to the kitchen, no sign of food being made or BEEN made after I'd left.
"...um, how'd you make the toast..
Ok. I lied...she didn't eat.."

Are you serious? Your staring at the computer all day and all night and can't leave for 20 minutes to make sure your kid eats? OR make her something. AND LIE about feeding her? Really?

Scenario 2.
During the day when we're home, I keep the TV off and keep myself occupied with her. No PC, limited phone use if any. Just me, her, some books, crayons, blocks, toys, whatever. Today I watched my kid CRY when I turned the TV off and said "Let's play."....why? It's what she does when I'm not here and he's with her. She's lost in the TV while he's LOST in the PC or game or whatever. Like, mouth agape, head cocked...unblinking...unphased. EVERY night I return home from work she's in front the TV or the couch, lost..and he's on the PC or game...Did she eat? I'll never know because he won't tell me the truth, I trust that much. So I have to come home and handle dinner like a single mom.

Should I be going through all this aggravation for someone who 1. doesn't want to try in this relationship or 2. enjoys being a part-time-parent? I don't think so. I really don't. And as much as I see the good, the bad catches up to remind me.
Whenever I think it's getting better, it just gets 10xs worse than it was. And almost everyone that SEES it or knows what's going on really thinks I should get away. I'm bored with how monotone things are and he's fine. He's fine not going out, not having dinner, not buying me flowers. He's fine with this...boring life. And when I try to change things, he gets mad. Like I did something wrong.