hate...

I have so much negativity in my head lately.
Fortified by being weak. Unable to just walk away.
I hate my life.
I hate my job.
I hate waking up. Eating. Doing anything.
I hate being.
I hate going out.
I hate being alone.
and I hate being with others.
I hate Christopher.
I hate everything.
I wish the earth would swallow me up.
I wish I had the courage to end my life.
because I hate being here.

Lines

Cheshire grin,
a line
He is faking, she is breaking
Waiting in sin
Neither one part taking.

A choice and chance,
that line
None willing to have
Who speaks first, neither
They'll both starve.

They'll both lie,
damn line
And they'll both ache
They'll both live
With this haunting mistake

To reach for,
near the line
To hold, neither can start
Neither willing to risk
The rejection of their heart.

If she went forward,
past the line
He could easily turn away
If he went forward
She couldn't be sure he'd stay.

If they would, they could
erase the line
But neither willing to see
Get rid of the line,
the imaginary fucking line
They'll be exactly where they ought to be.

The universe decided...

..at least that's how I want to look at it. My greed was getting out of control and life said "Wait...no." 
Ethan and I had been doing wonderfully. 
And Chris and I had been doing wonderfully.
And all of a sudden, after 12 hours give or take, Ethan decided to leave. I was angry. And I didn't fight. I just let it go.
Because I guess, a part of me knew it was the better decision.
In his eyes, he felt he shouldn't be in a serious relationship. This after everything he's said and done. 

I guess it's better this way; having him feel like he made the decision and he's right.
Who knows.

I cried. I drank. A LOT. And I think I'm ok.
Still sad. Why? He was great. Just..young. Lots to learn.

I'd been accepted back into the Patrizzo family. Spent Christmas and New Years with them. Chris has been better. So much better. And maybe, this is how it's supposed to be. Maybe.
I just don't know anymore and I guess it's not time to question anything.

Dec. 30th, 11.15am

He gave me roses today
He said it was so I wouldn't cry.
Wipe your tears with their petals, he said
Use their tenderness before they die.

But such beauty they had
So soft and fragile too
To take from them what he said
Was something I couldn't do.

So he held my hand and calmed my tears
Said keep the roses near me so
Should I cry anymore
The tears had somewhere to go.

He kept me safe and kept me warm
A salvation in a man's disguise
Claiming another souls outcast
As a lonely lovers prize.

If anything, situations like these spawn some great pieces.

I feel as though, I've never been a greedy person when it comes to love. I've always only ever wanted one person. And then, I didn't ...I had 2. I had everything I wanted and in my head, it wasn't enough. My heart wanted to be elsewhere ...away from everything I wanted. 

BUT!

As our relationship, Ethan and mines, was progressing, I was giving in more to him. After 9 months I'd finally worn earrings, of which I'd told him "I would only wear when I'm committed to us, to the relationship.", I told him I loved him. 

So ..I gave him everything he wanted. And he still chose to not be with me. So this, isn't a me thing. Which I knew. 

And somehow it feels as though Chris is finding emotions he had a long long time ago. How? He looks at me with eyes I haven't seen in YEARS. He holds me in a way I'd not felt in ages from him. And a kiss. He's more affectionate to me. Not WORLDS more but...for him, it's a noticeable change. 

I think that's why I'm sad, and maybe my feelings for Ethan were in fact, real. I really did love him. I really did care. I wasn't just fooling myself. But I knew we had no future, I guess? 

So losing him hurt, but ...not detrimental, I suppose.

I don't know. I'm just trying to rationalize a situation where no rational is needed. 

Chasing 2 rabbits.

That's what I feel like I'm doing. I'm chasing 2 rabbits down the hole. And I'll be left rabbit less and within the dark of that deep, dark hole I managed to put myself down.
Greed.
And to make it worse, Ethan is talking about marriage a bit more. And he did it in front his mother and older brother. And it of course, has them concerned. And I tell him, and I'm sure he reminds himself too, one day at a time.
I don't want him to regret anything. He's already 21. Doesn't drink. Doesn't party. I want him to have SOME kind of semblance to freedom near and after graduation. And yep, he graduates next May.

He's dealing with a lot and honestly, having a wife, a 5 year old step daughter and contemplating a family right then is NOT the way to go.

Hell, imagine how I feel. 32 marrying a 21 year old? I'll be chastised by EVERYONE. And that SCARES me.

Chris will HATE me. And I can't just forget that or walk away from it.
Right now it's a sucky situation. All in all...
I'm happy but unhappy in the same breath.
And if I give up and just sit, the rabbit I want will not wander far but he'll not stay next to me, and the younger rabbit will sit right by my side. Unwavering.

...blehhhh!

The other part...

As I said, I'm undeniably in love with Chris still. But with no real reason why. And because of the way he makes me feel, his lack of presence...is why I see Ethan as well.

We go out to dinner, we spend great amounts of time together. Why? How? Remember, Chris is NEVER around.

And of course, in both scenarios (more so with Ethan) I call the shots of when we meet, where. How long.

So within that control too, I dictate how physical we are. Or in my case of the last few months, how much we aren't. And Chris and I don't have the time to actually do anything.
But Ethan gives me 90% of what I want and don't get from Chris. The only deliberating factors are...Chris is 35 and Ethan is 21. Chris is Jaiden's father. Ethan is a college lad with a GREAT body and personality, of course.
Chris is established with his home and job (and I say that with great amount of wiggle room).
Ethan has a good job and lives with 4 other guys. Lol.
And....I'm still incredibly in love with Chris.
I like the idea of Ethan because he is what I want. Just not the right package. And well nothing's wrong with his package...
-______- See? Going to hell.

TBC INC.

I don't believe him completely just yet. Part of me still believes he's still looking for what he really wants or what he thinks he wants.
He's been severely depressed over the past few months and then again he's also been very happy.
I was actually invited to his parents' home for the July 4th weekend. That was the first time I'd seen them in 2 years.
He's definitely struggling with a lot. His poor money management has caught up with him. He's fallen behind in bills, rent, in child support. And is now moving in with his aunt. As in they're going to be sharing a 2 bed room apartment.
His aunt's like...50.
My rational behind that was....

She has a grown daughter. Her daughter has a grown daughter. And they don't want to live with her. Her brother (Chris' Dad) has a huge house with just him and his wife and she won't move in there. No, it's not location because they've got the apartment 5 minutes from my home and basically 5 minutes from Chris' parents.

If she can't pay her rent, or her half of her responsibilities...how the hell will he??

And his reasoning behind that is that his settlement from his car accident 2 years ago is nearing resolution so he's waiting on THAT money. It's been pushed back a few times but he's moving in November. They already signed the papers (or so I was told). He's also trying to pursue a different job working for NJ Transit. But I have friends who either work for NJT or have in the past. Chris...I love him to death but he's fucking lazy.

He cannot do that job. He is not reliable or dependable. He will forget. He will be late. With NJT he will be working all the time. Holidays. Weekends, days, nights. Birthdays. It's a great opportunity but he cannot do it.
Hell, he can't pull off a basic 9-5 with the occasional bullshit shifts for PlayStation as is. And a bullshit shift is maybe a weekend or a midnight. He cannot go from that to being on call within 4 hours to be somewhere for a TRAIN to leave on time. Yes it will make TONS of money. And when he speaks of it he speaks of taking care of us, a family. Another child. A home, vacations.

He has ....dreams?
He wants to be a provider. But he's going about it all wrong.

But I won't rock his boat yet. I've shared my opinions on certain things but he's an adult. He will see his choices for what they are. And where they will lead.

It's been forever

..at least that's how it's seemed.
Ha, that's a lie. it has indeed been forever.

I have been consumed by so many things from health, to lack of wealth to just...the myriad of issues and problematic situations a single parent can find herself in. :)

No, I'm not a trouble maker.

I haven't written in a long, long while. A few dabbles on Facebook here and there when the moment strikes me because truthfully, writing on here is more fulfilling from a PC rather than my cell phone. Easy access, yes, but not the same.


Took a look back on the last 3 posts I made. Oh what a trivial time and then torn apart life.
I...I've fucked up. I'm still fucking up.

March til now?

Let's see. Valentines was ruined. But I think, and I'm using that word loosely, I think I saw Chris. Ethan ruined my Valentines. I know that much for sure.

March - my birthday. Ethan ruined that too but it wasn't DIRECTLY his fault. His father basically said he wanted nothing to do with him because of his 'poor life choices as a 20 year old addict.' But little did he know he was no longer that and working on his road to recovery which he is STILL ON.

Chris was caught sneaking into my apartment for my birthday to leave me a gift. <3...a 2 or 3 foot batman figurine. He really does still make my heart melt. And also a poster which I framed and hung on my wall of 70 years of Batman.

April...May...June...I've managed to foster some false idea in my head that it's ok to see them both. I'm wrong. I really am.
Why?
Well. I love Chris. Still. Why? He actually asked me that in June. And I really did not have an answer. But he did say...and we were being quite honest with each other...he said he didn't want anyone else. He didn't want to be with anyone else. He also said he didn't know if he deserved to be loved. I said that wasn't really up to him. It was my choice. Always was.

For the past few months we have...we've made graceful strides in a direction I really liked. But all the while....I've been seeing Ethan too. He gives me everything Chris doesn't. The attention, the availability. The time. The words. The embraces. The comfort.

And I feel like my whole life in the last few months have been a complete lie.
I feel regret. I feel cold. I feel...nothing. I haven't cried about my choices in the last few months as I have in the past.

I say this often "I'm going to Hell."
Everything I want will eventually fade away and I will be left empty and alone.

BUT there's reasoning behind the fact that I feel so little. And this might be the evil talking.
Part of me still doesn't' believe Chris. TBC

Valentine's Day 7.03pm

Regret
I hope you live with plenty
Fill it with everything and everyone
Yet still know you're empty

Love
Suicidal you ruined it so
Every strike and every cut
How can you forgive an "I didn't know".

Fear
Suffocating in all the pain
Another drag another drink
You haven't the strength to refrain

Death
Resolution unabashed and freeing
Destroy everything around you
Not learning at all but constantly repeating.

Valentine's Day - ruined 10.27pm

Lost your way
I get it
Trying hard to stay above.

And without thinking
You did it
Ruined the one thing you had to love.

So you point your fingers
Throw the blame
Broke her already fragile heart.

By thinking it was ok
To replace her
The very moment you were apart.

No space nor time
Reverse the roles
You wept at single kiss.

In absence you hurt
But still did
Not enough time did you give for her to miss.

Such empty words
I didn't know
A shame you forgot to think.

Forgot about your love
In a matter of moments
How low did you make her heart sink.

Repeatedly so
Thought it was ok
How cruel could you have been.

Let love never find
Ignore and avoid you
Let it be something you cannot fall in.

Head strange

I have had such terrible luck with my head lately. I have been up and extremely up and then down. Then, the great decline. Chris – seemingly making changes reverted right back to his self after saying he wanted to be with me and not see other women. Then, after Christmas, opted to say otherwise.

My friendship action plan with Ethan failed when he went from saying he wanted to be with me to not knowing, once again. BUT I let him know I didn’t want a relationship with him. I just wanted to be his friend. I just wanted to be a part of his life. And I, of all people, should know that when feelings are involved, you cannot be friends. Hell, that was my motto. “I don’t want to be your friend because I can’t.”

He said he wanted to be with me. And didn’t want to beg but felt it was the only way I’d make a decision about being together.

After everything got shot to hell, my depression worsened on top of the fact that I was placed on two anti-depressants which made me utterly crazy. I was driven to end my life. I imagined taking all 28 pills and not waking up – and that thought got me scared. I couldn’t fathom not waking up. But I didn’t want to be awake. I didn’t want to be alive.

So, I stopped taking the medications all together. I think part of me is happy that I couldn’t find it that night because God alone knows what would have happened if I had gotten my hands on it.

I’d lost a lot of weight. – which reminds me right now I should go weigh myself. Ugh, 93lbs.

I just look completely withdrawn and the withdrawal from the pills is making me nuts. I can feel it every moment of the day. And I’m fighting to not take them at night. And they weren’t even prescribed FOR depression. It’s for the headaches and the vertigo that came from the car accident.

I hate this part of life. Because I want to live but I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to face anything. I don’t want to do anything, go anywhere, or see anyone. But I don’t want to be alone.

I’m at a difficult cross roads because Chris …ugh…

And Ethan. Double ugh.

I think with him it’s just the idea of him …and the physical attraction. He’s 20 and he looks like…THAT.

Hell, I don’t know anymore. I need to just…get away from everyone. I actually avoid my phone. I just don’t…want to care.

Random

Lyrically inclined
Chasing lies
Breaking free by severing ties.

Dreams are naught
Trapped in paranoia
I was mislead by a twisted euphoria.

Cut this wrist
Bursting these chains
Shedding my life til nothing remains.

There goes my soul
I let it go to the wind.
Gone so fast with no time to recind.

Fragile, it's gone
I've sold it for dust
But sold it for love...or was it lust?

Eulogy

She was ...
She hated life. Truthfully.
She loved everyone around her and always gave herself fully.
She felt her place wasn't here or now.
And with life's gifts that was given...her family..her daughter..her many accomplishments and her positive impact on people...she still felt misplaced.

She felt trapped. Lost. And forgotten.
After years of fighting. She finally laid her sword down and let the shield drop. She gave in.

Bleh

Logging my memories
Within the past
Time is coming at me
At a pace far too fast.

Ends are tied
I'm saying goodbyes
Righting my few wrongs
Undoing my final lies.

Letters written
And then torn apart
Saying farewell with a smile
Resting my heart.

No more facades
No more pretend games
No more throwing the lasso
Wild hearts remain untamed.

No dirt to cover
Just ashes to throw
In different directions
This is the world I know.

Fin

I think of death.  Often. I wonder what would happen after I close my eyes ... would I remember? Would I see? ....me.
I envision just seeing everything after as if it were a movie playing out before me.
I don't sleep anymore.
I don't find happiness in anything anymore.
I have decided that I'd rather be burned than buried.
I want a stranger to read my eulogy that I would have already written.

I think about how I could die painlessly but quickly. Pills. Knife. Drinking poison.

I resorted to emailing the samaritans a few days ago.
I stopped writing back because it didn't help.
I feel like I have a lot to say and no one to say it to because no one can help me.

I feel empty.
I feel lost.
I'm lonely.

Bad ideas

What would you have me do
When I hear your name
Than to recall the moments shared
Time that would never be the same.

What would you have me do
When I hear you speak
The sound of your voice unmatched
Years from now I'd still be weak.

What would you have me do
When I see your face
When I'm reminded that my life
For you, has no space.

What would you have me do
For someone I chose to love
For someone who gave me away
I sought solace in skies above.

What would you have me do
The nights I cried helplessly
To find the strength to go on
And all I wanted was to act so selfishly.

What would you have me do
Years have gone on past
I had to say goodbye to you
Knowing that last time was in fact the last.

Falling away

Tonight I surrender
To all the sadness and pain
Fighting through years of hurt
Completely in vain

Tonight the shield lowers
Sword dropped from clutch
Warrior to thine knees
I fall. I've fought too much

Wounds too many
Far too many to keep
None completely healed
I need time to finally weep

I release my armor
I'll devise no more plans
Done leading the battle
The last of my strength within my hands

Mind numb
Heart cold
Limbs broken and worn

Lower the flag
My time is over
I surrender. Defeat is born.

(..I don't really love it .)

Anxiety

My mind is racing
I can't quiet it down
I'm faking that smile
Trapped in my crown.

Upon the terrace waving
The cheers for this face
Inside I'm dying
Its already an unwon race

Make it all stop
Turn down the lights
Make the world quiet
I'm done refereeing my fights

No more pictures
No more scripts to read
Just let it all end
Bring it all at full speed

No more happy go lucky
No more mother of the year
Quitting this game
I need the hell out of here.

Lost in transition

I feel like I lost my best friend. And I haven't had one since I was a child. 6 months. I told him everything.  I opened up to him in ways I never had with anyone else. I just...it was right. But I'm heartbroken. I just can't seem to have the same mind set anymore. And I know I'll be alright. I know I will. It's new. It's fresh. The wound hurts more because I didn't want to fall in love with him. And as hard as I fought it...I did.
And I fell hard because he had all the qualities I wanted in a mate. Just...he wasn't old enough to walk through this thing called Life with me because he had yet to live it. So young.  And if it wasn't for his age and lack of experience in life...we would be perfect.
And I know there's still time...he could come back. But I just am too fearful now to even look that far ahead.
I was his first love. His first time. And his longest relationship.  I understood him. Understood him so well that I knew it was wrong to keep him ...so I let him go.
I let go of everything I'd ever wanted. Because... .of time.
I keep dreaming he'll text me or call me asking me to let him in at some ungodly hour or he'll show up at my job while I'm staring off into the sky from the lobby. And he'll put his arms around me from behind and as much as I would fall apart...he'd hold me. Cry with me.
The idea seemed real. Seemed fitting. The reality of it all was he was too young to make such a commitment because he hadn't done anything to make a choice for.
We just..happened.
....and now I hate what's happening. 

I keep dying to text him. Tell him I need him. God how I need him.
But that wouldn't be right. It would make letting go hard for him ...and healing hard for me.

But...he needs me too.

Love today...

I believe in marriage. I believe that when you choose that person to be with you for what is, in my mind, the rest of your life, you do what it takes. You don't run away - and by running I mean, avoiding conversations, or talking or sorting things out when necessary. And of course the actual form of running away.

I believe that hurdles are deeper and greater than that of the average dating couple. Dating couples haven't made that conscious decision to be together 'forever'. And sadly, in today's lifestyle, there is no such thing anymore. We've made it so easy to walk away.

Maybe that's why I'm 31 and never been engaged or married. Because my mentality and approach for the whole thing is so drastically different than that of the average man or even woman of today.
My mentality for marriage is old school.

In those hurdles you have to keep in mind that you both chose to be with each other, because they were both worth fighting to be with. Fighting whatever problems came your way. Not physically fighting. And not a specific person, although, I would personally fight a man or woman for what is mine and should be mine alone.

Your issues now have to be seen and handled with different eyes. Because it's a form of 'forever' you're caught up in.
I hate that people enter marriage with the thought that they can just walk away if and when they can. Nothing is sacred and nothing is worth the battle.

I hate love today, truthfully. I truly do. Because a love today seems so shallow and foreign. So fake and nonchalant. "Eh, if it doesn't work then you can leave." Why should you carve your mentality on something as wonderful as love to be so vacant.

If I'm not happy I can leave.
Well...what about the other half of that relationship, man? Doesn't that person count?

Did you talk to them to find out that they understood how you felt and understood that no matter how much they wanted it to work, your effort wouldn't be enough to help it along? Did you say that? Do they understand? Because they'd be smart enough to see that one person can't carry an entire relationship on their own. One person can't do all the loving and fighting. And they'll have to surrender to the decision that it's over. And they'll say 'Hey...I don't want to do this, I don't want it to come to this, but I understand that it has to happen because your heart and mind just isn't here anymore...and I have to accept that... I'm sad, I'm so sad, and I'm hurt but...I'll get it."

Those words hurt. But they'll understand and respect you for those words one day.
ONE DAY.
You know why?
Because you said it. You sat down and talked and they heard you and they might be mad, and sad and hurt but they'll understand.

I'm not saying this is flawless as an approach in any way.
Hell, that's the delivery I was given, perhaps a bit colder. "We will never be more than this. I don't want to marry you..." - that was what was given to me a year and a half ago.
But now, I get it. I got it a few months ago and granted I'm still being yo-yod around, I get it. Get it enough to move on into another relationship. Because back then I couldn't fathom being with someone who wasn't him. And now, it doesn't seem so far off.

I wish I hadn't

...I hadn't fallen for him. Because now - I can see he's a child and he isn't cut out for this. Being with someone like me, a child...I feel like it's a repeat of Chris in a younger body.

I'm still glad I never slept with him. Because then this would be 10 times harder.

I'll be fine.