Head strange

I have had such terrible luck with my head lately. I have been up and extremely up and then down. Then, the great decline. Chris – seemingly making changes reverted right back to his self after saying he wanted to be with me and not see other women. Then, after Christmas, opted to say otherwise.

My friendship action plan with Ethan failed when he went from saying he wanted to be with me to not knowing, once again. BUT I let him know I didn’t want a relationship with him. I just wanted to be his friend. I just wanted to be a part of his life. And I, of all people, should know that when feelings are involved, you cannot be friends. Hell, that was my motto. “I don’t want to be your friend because I can’t.”

He said he wanted to be with me. And didn’t want to beg but felt it was the only way I’d make a decision about being together.

After everything got shot to hell, my depression worsened on top of the fact that I was placed on two anti-depressants which made me utterly crazy. I was driven to end my life. I imagined taking all 28 pills and not waking up – and that thought got me scared. I couldn’t fathom not waking up. But I didn’t want to be awake. I didn’t want to be alive.

So, I stopped taking the medications all together. I think part of me is happy that I couldn’t find it that night because God alone knows what would have happened if I had gotten my hands on it.

I’d lost a lot of weight. – which reminds me right now I should go weigh myself. Ugh, 93lbs.

I just look completely withdrawn and the withdrawal from the pills is making me nuts. I can feel it every moment of the day. And I’m fighting to not take them at night. And they weren’t even prescribed FOR depression. It’s for the headaches and the vertigo that came from the car accident.

I hate this part of life. Because I want to live but I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to face anything. I don’t want to do anything, go anywhere, or see anyone. But I don’t want to be alone.

I’m at a difficult cross roads because Chris …ugh…

And Ethan. Double ugh.

I think with him it’s just the idea of him …and the physical attraction. He’s 20 and he looks like…THAT.

Hell, I don’t know anymore. I need to just…get away from everyone. I actually avoid my phone. I just don’t…want to care.