It's been forever

..at least that's how it's seemed.
Ha, that's a lie. it has indeed been forever.

I have been consumed by so many things from health, to lack of wealth to just...the myriad of issues and problematic situations a single parent can find herself in. :)

No, I'm not a trouble maker.

I haven't written in a long, long while. A few dabbles on Facebook here and there when the moment strikes me because truthfully, writing on here is more fulfilling from a PC rather than my cell phone. Easy access, yes, but not the same.


Took a look back on the last 3 posts I made. Oh what a trivial time and then torn apart life.
I...I've fucked up. I'm still fucking up.

March til now?

Let's see. Valentines was ruined. But I think, and I'm using that word loosely, I think I saw Chris. Ethan ruined my Valentines. I know that much for sure.

March - my birthday. Ethan ruined that too but it wasn't DIRECTLY his fault. His father basically said he wanted nothing to do with him because of his 'poor life choices as a 20 year old addict.' But little did he know he was no longer that and working on his road to recovery which he is STILL ON.

Chris was caught sneaking into my apartment for my birthday to leave me a gift. <3...a 2 or 3 foot batman figurine. He really does still make my heart melt. And also a poster which I framed and hung on my wall of 70 years of Batman.

April...May...June...I've managed to foster some false idea in my head that it's ok to see them both. I'm wrong. I really am.
Why?
Well. I love Chris. Still. Why? He actually asked me that in June. And I really did not have an answer. But he did say...and we were being quite honest with each other...he said he didn't want anyone else. He didn't want to be with anyone else. He also said he didn't know if he deserved to be loved. I said that wasn't really up to him. It was my choice. Always was.

For the past few months we have...we've made graceful strides in a direction I really liked. But all the while....I've been seeing Ethan too. He gives me everything Chris doesn't. The attention, the availability. The time. The words. The embraces. The comfort.

And I feel like my whole life in the last few months have been a complete lie.
I feel regret. I feel cold. I feel...nothing. I haven't cried about my choices in the last few months as I have in the past.

I say this often "I'm going to Hell."
Everything I want will eventually fade away and I will be left empty and alone.

BUT there's reasoning behind the fact that I feel so little. And this might be the evil talking.
Part of me still doesn't' believe Chris. TBC