I will never understand

What I did wrong. What I've done wrong to deserve this life. Was I cruel in a past life? Was I mean? Truthfully I must be paying for some past mistake in this life because I don't deserve the cards I've been dealt. I know there are those worse off than me. And my scenario can get worse. He made me so empty. So shallow. He took everything bad in his past and inflicted me with the wrath they should have faced. And that wrath has caused my niceness. My love. My innocence to twist into this form of loving misery. I wish he would break up with me because I can't leave. I wish I could tell him I'm only here because I have no where else to go. No where else to be. It's half true. This place is mine. I worked damn hard to be on my own. To have my own place. It's why I've been on my own since an early age. I like being self sufficient. I like having mine so no one can TAKE it away from me. And now? It can be because of how I've felt. How I feel. I lose a hard earned place and hard earned money if I'm honest with the situation at hand. I wish I'd never went back that night. To confess to something only I knew. I wish I'd never called. Never ran. Never went to him.
So many people seem to be in emotional turmoil and I can only say "God never deals that which you can't handle. He hasn't ignored or abandoned you. " but I wish I believed it as wholeheartedly as I say it. He seems to be throwing me at all these hurdles. Why isn't he testing him in the same?

"if you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain. If you're not into yoga. If you have half a brain. " everyone wants an "escape" but what are we running to? Something better? Worse? The song depicts that everything he wanted was right next to him. He just never took the time to see it. And when he went looking ... There she was all along.
That won't be me. If I'm gone. It's for good. I don't want him back.
I'll never understand why I'm here. Why I stayed. I just know. I want out now.

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The fight

I'm struggling daily
The noise in my head
The single voice telling me
"You really should be dead"
The constant torture
If only it would be silent
Instead of shouting and commanding
Like a power stricken tyrant
"Bow your head
You've got no way out. "
If it were false
I wouldn't still be about
The days unending
In silence and sorrow
The voices saying
I shouldn't see tomorrow
But the fight I'd give
As much as I want to go
Do I really want to stay?
As it stands I may never know
It hurts both ways
I lose somehow
The fight I may not win
Even if I don't go now
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Demise

In the night in the dark
Where many may hide
I seek demise in actions
To end the hurt inside
In the corners of my mind
Where none would see
The demise promised
If it weren't for she
In the pools of words
The silence so loud
Demise won't come
Since two is a crowd
Hours that wane
Actions remote
No demise today
Or for a long time; dutifully I note
No prayer I could whisper
No hope I can fall upon
Because demise I can't find
No matter how much I long.
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Stepping up

My faith in Christopher is so shallow. Here it is, almost 3am, he has to work at 9, and he's still on the computer doing whatever. Granted I'm not asleep either but I'll be up at 8.55, wake and dress my kid and go to do what I need to do. I'll go, come back and he will still be here. He's like 4 shots deep. Reeking of it. When I asked how much more he's had, he lied and said none. I know better, then he changed his story to 1. My retort? "thanks for lying to me"
Him? "anytime".

If he dies, I have nothing to get. But I have nothing now. So what's the difference. What's the point. I'm growing more hateful by the day.

When I told him I was hired. I said it like "you may congratulate me now" and he was clueless. When he did tune in all he says was "oh you got your job? Contests" and continued to stare at the screen. I felt about an inch big. No support. And that's how I know he'll suck at giving Jaiden any either. I want to take her away from that. She deserves better. We both do.

My friend said she thinks Chris will step up. My thoughts? He won't. He'll just disappoint me further. Disappoint all three of us.

On a dude note my ex is annoying me beyond belief and I wouldn't mind if he went away too. He's no better except that he SAYS he cares and wants me after 3 years. But so did Chris. I was dumb twice.

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Fucking happy as hell.

And scared to match. So I spent most of the day with Jaiden since Chris wasn't here. He didn't say where he was going nor did he bother to call and or text. So when I did, he said he was taking care of cardboard debris and garbage at his parents' house. Didn't say how long, what time or when he'd be back. That was 5 hours ago. Turns out, he's at his parents' sleeping. Ugh. Now when he gets here, despite me telling him he needs to shower before he comes back because of all the fucking cat hair, I KNOW he won't and I'll have to deal with myself and my kid being itchy.
ON the plus side, I just got a call, and I was officially hired. :)
I'm so pleased with myself. As scared as I am, I can't wait to start. On the downside, leaving my child with that sad excuse of a person. -.- FML.

Scream

Honest to God that's all I wanted to do for the last 2 days. Why? He stayed home! WHY. Doesn't he understand that at times, I hate when he stays home for NO reason? AND when he does, he's so completely useless. It's a giant inconvenience to me for him being here. He throw off my whole day. The last 2 days, all he did ..night and day was play a new game he bought. He took the screen from my desk and put it on his, completely blocking himself off and just sits in the corner, either on the PS3 or the computer. He won't acknowledge either of us, hasn't showered, won't eat unless I've made himself and BROUGHT it to him which is a bad habit I have but have done and would possibly continue because it's JUST WHO I AM. Ugh.
But all he did was just...sit in that corner. If Jaiden came near him he'd be completely zoned. Or his grunt would be his answer. If she called out for him while I'm playing with her ..after some time he'll lean a tad and say "Oh you're fine."...She'll wander near him saying "Dada, peepee." and he won't hear her. He doesn't GET that if he makes her WAIT she'll go RIGHT ON THE FUCKING FLOOR. if you heard her, move your stupid ass already. She's first. So what if you die in a game or you lose your shit.

He thinks I'm picking on him with the little I do say about it to him, but I'm not. I'm being rather nice. yesterday she was asking for cereal, but he didn't know that. HOW THE HELL do you NOT KNOW what she wants!!! She's your child. She lives in the same apartment. You see her EVERY DAY. I don't...I just don't get it. How don't you KNOW? Wouldn't that be incentive enough to fucking PAY ATTENTION MORE?

This is why I'm very afraid to go back to work. Leaving her here with him will be ..bad. He'll undo everything I've done. I know I'm giving him less credit than he possibly deserves but he deserves none. He's don't nothing to get any. And to find out like this is going to hurt things. He bitches if she's with him for 1 hour. Why? "I can't sleep. She keeps crying. She's giving me a headache." No lie, those have been some of his complaints. Sometimes LESS than an hour, I'll come back. And now that she's amidst potty training? Fuck...I look forward to coming home to hidden piles and puddles. Why? ...Saw it when he lived at him with his parents and all those animals. The puke. The pee. The crap. In his room, on his bed. It was why he was so sick all the time too. And I've told him that. NOW? We have wood floors. I clean them almost every week, on my hands and knees. Every room. Because I know how dirty it can be and how unsanitary it is when she's going through this phase.

If I happen to get this job, and I have to come home to that ..I'll surely lose it. Because then I'll not have the patience to deal with his incompetence. I'll be angry, and I'll end up screaming at him and he'll hate it.
Maybe the fight of 'how much he sucks as a Dad' will come about.
OR
Maybe he might surprise the shit out of me. ..Yeah right. He's going to lodge himself in the computer/game and forget about my kid for the 4 hours, 3-4 times a week that I'll be gone. And I'll be mad. I'll be furious.

In the end

People tend to forget about the end result of things they do, say and how they react to things. They tend to feel as though the NOW has nothing to do with the LATER. And the THEN doesn't affect the NOW. And then the LATER.

Like parenting. I remember when we were just starting out, we would do or say things and have someone BUT and I stand by this, but NEVER MYSELF..say "She'll never remember that." and fact is, even though she won't. I WILL. and there will be a day when she will remember THAT. Because you won't know that time when she starts remembering begins. I mean, I've had shots in front of her, and now that she's older, I don't do it. Everything I do, I try to do it because I know I AM HER BIGGEST influence. Not even her father can say that. My parents do a great deal but their jobs are to spoil her. And I acknowledge that. They don't do anything they aren't supposed to and if it's something new - they bring it to me before hand. Places, food, clothes, whatever it is, it's to me. I used to always make sure with Chris that it was ok for things to happen. Now? I still tell him, but I do it in such a way that it's pretty apparent that I don't need his permission or even his knowledge. He gets told, just right before it happens. Why? He didn't care to know then, but never had the ability to say "I was never told"...and he still doesn't. Because he knows and was told. But I don't need anything else except knowing he knows.

He goes on and on about Jaiden calling someone else "Dad" but..who's he, really? IF - and I use it strongly, that word - if he goes to work, he's gone from a late hour to around 7pm. If he travels, she doesn't ask for him or mind/know that he's absent. She's 2. If he's home, he has little to do with her because he's lodged in front the computer, asleep til 4pm or later and takes no time to spend with her, to teach her. I was speaking with my friend Jay about how people react to the things our kids know. He's dealt with it himself with his wife. He's an at home dad but their son goes to daycare 3 days a week, half days. I forget if it were his colors or his number but she tried to give credit to the daycare instead of her husband.

Same with myself - Jaiden was in the kitchen with my parents, Chris and I and she was reading off pictures on blocks. I was very proud of her. And I said "Good job mommy." and in the corner was Chris with the most sullen look on his face like.."What about me?" - and honestly...inside I said "..what about you?" - because I KNOW he contributes NOTHING to Jaiden's upbringing. It's an ongoing process and I'm waiting for the day when she can tell him herself that he does nothing for her. It'll sting that much more if he hears it from her...out of the blue. Because I don't tell her anything negative. He gives her no praise, no courage and the little he does just sounds very patronizing.

When in groups - he tends to expect credit for the nothing he does because it's always "She's got loving parents." and while that might be true, he can love her like that from afar than be in front her face very day and ignore her. In the end...I hope she remembers and chooses her path accordingly and not how I did. Nor choose someone like her father, which is, the unfortunate process 99.9% of women do follow. Look for a man, just, like Daddy. Ugh.

Sobriety

I'll always be okay to cook
I'll always be okay to teach
When you're not of sound mind
I'll always be okay to reach.

I'll always be okay to wake up
To know what's going on
I'll always be able to drive
When there's none else to call upon.

To know who's there
To know who belongs
To be able to help carry you
When you don't feel so strong.

I'll always be okay
Just you wait and see
You'll never question anything
Because I'll always be me.

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Time of day

For all the times I gave you
For the nights if I may
For the hours I struggle for you
Just give me the time of day

The quiet times between us
The ones I didn't know which way
To run to, to hide from .. You've seen it
Just give me the time of day

Sleepless nights, linger
The stress .. It's here to stay
The solace in anything to keep me afloat
I wouldn't need them
If you'd give me the time of day.

The more I press on
The weaker I get
Keeping it all at bay
I won't be around for long asking
For your time any day.

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Sleepy

It's after 4 am and after a long day I find myself missing my daughter. Doesn't help that I just watched a couple of videos of her which made me miss her more.
Its been a long night. Dinner with my brother and his girlfriend and Chris, back to our apartment for a few drinks, which I pretended to partake in, and then ice cream. I'm pretty tired. In a good way.
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Experimenting

I'm laying in bed at 12.30am which is highly unusual for me. But it got me thinking. I'm here because I don't feel good. I don't feel good because of last night ... Which was by no means necessary given that I haven't seen my friends in years. But I hate this feeling. This head aching .. Stomach churning ..nauseous grumpy feeling that tends to last linger than it should. I'm not an avid drinker .. Used to be because my youth could handle it. Now? Not so much. Now I'm scared the day after and questions come to mind.
What did I do?
What did I say?
Where is my car?
How'd I get here?
Why am I naked? Lol.. You catch my drift. I awake paranoid. And I don't want that anymore. I wake up wondering "Was I good? Did I get mean?"
And I think that needs to be remedied with a little abstinence. I don't indulge often but when I do, it's a time that puts fear instead of enjoyment. It leaves questions I would hate to know the answers to. It doesn't interfere with my being a mother. I don't drink in her presence often.
But if I do, it's a beer or so.
Needless to say, I don't want her to remember me that way (I know she don't being that she's 2) but I pride myself on better presentation with my child.

I want to feel better about me. Not worse. Alcohol doesn't help that so today is day 1. How long will I go? I'm unsure. I was initially starting with 1month but I'm going to play it by ear and go as long as I can.
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Last night

Well needless to say I'm feeling much better than I did a few hours ago. I was a royal mess if nothing less. Why? Well my friends were in town after several years. Our date to meet and catch up was a success ..Oh I had forgotten how I loved being them. Why they were part of my life. Why I shared parts of my life with them.

Initially it was just supposed to me the three of us, but I invited an ex student who wanted to see G and of course, Chris. At first he was all for going. So 30 minutes before leaving time since we're supposed to meet them at 10pm, I was getting dressed, showered and all the necessary preparations. He, was not. Which was fine. I wasn't going to rush him. 20 minutes, 15...10. The time dwindled away and it was 20 after 10. Still not moving. With soft nudges of a "Honey, hurry up." I was trying, once again to not seem pushy. 45 minutes into 10pm, he's finally off the computer, showered and shaving???!! And he's got a less than happy look on his face.
"You don't have to go if you're not up for it."
"Eh..I'll be bored. They're more YOUR friends."
"I wish you'd told me this sooner, I could have had me car and not been late."

"You don't want to go?"
"Not really."
"Ok, so take me to get my car and I'll go alone."

"I'll come for a little while.."

All of this is transpiring AFTER I'm late and JUST finding out he didn't want to go.
So I'm dressed up, and 1. I can't see at night because of my terrible eyesight without my glasses (which I hate) and 2. I have to drive back which means I shouldn't be drinking.
I did my best NOT to be mad. Success.
So we get there and everyone knows everyone. It's not like he's never met them before and the last time I saw them was the last time he saw them. Jeff, included.
The night started off with a beer or two and some quick appetizers. Some random quips about back in the day nights that are better left unspoken of in the company we had but no doubt still laughed about.


But we didn't ignore the two newcomers to the tripod. We made the night about now, not the past. It was about what's new. Unfortunately for me 3 beers in and I think 2 or 3 Mind Erasers later, we were getting ready to leave. God alone knows how I drove my car back to my parents' without wrecking myself. I have no idea how I got home after BUT I do recall getting back to the apartment, pouring 4 shots of Captain Morgan and then disappearing to the bathroom to puke and die.
Woke up the next morning, naked and with the usual "What the hell" look on my face but moreso wondering where I parked since my Dad needed the car at like, 5.30am.
Wondering what happened, how did my friends do after I vanished and did I say anything to Chris.
I'd awoken a few hours before then and found a drunk Chris busy online with his late night lesbian porn rouse. I dismissed it and went back to bed quietly.

From what I do remember, it was a good night had by all, and will be remembered. I look forward to our next time. Hopefully I'll be better.