Well hello you. It's been a long time. I wish I had a valid reason as to why but I only have some sort of truth. That being I'm avoiding the words of the reality of this shitty ass life.
Sent from my iPhone
Thursday, July 18, 2013
Sunday, July 14, 2013
Untitled.
Amidst the night between the lines
Black and white with no greying defines
Amongst the dreams that surface above
We find residence between lust and love.
Where questions rise with no justified end
Where wonder and worry idly find minutes to spend.
Wasted moments in this phase
Are lost in what should be a joyous place.
Haphazard in limbo
Weakened with doubt
Seeking the only decision
The only remedy was to get out.
One without reason
The other hanging into time
Neither waiting to find out
Just what was being left behind.
In silence comes answers
Perhaps a clearer path than before
Maybe there was no other choice
Than to blindly shut the door.
Risk no time and break no hearts
Trapping no soul in the moment now
No ties to break or bridges to burn
Just exit stage left after that graceful bow.
Thursday, May 30, 2013
Judge me
Judge me
I know I haven’t been on this in a long while. I have had so
much going on that I just don’t have the time nor the patience to sit behind my
PC and write up my thoughts and ideas. Mainly because I’m afraid of how I’d
judge me. Not so much anyone else, but as I said, writing it puts it out there,
in perspective, in black and white reality. The words are right there staring
back at me. I have this current sliver of self-loathing for myself since
Saturday. Or even Mother’s Day. Why? Because I kissed Chris. Or rather he
kissed me and I kissed him back.
Since Ethan started to pursue me, I’ve enjoyed the
attention. He’s very loving and sweet. Honestly, he’s the sweetest. He’s also
11 years younger than I. And truly, the only time I pay attention to our age,
is when I’m alone. I don’t treat him like a child but he does childish things.
He borderlines annoying and irritating. But he’s 19. I can’t fault him for
acting his age.
I'm just ..I have my ideas of what I like and what I don't like. How I want things done and all that jazz. I feel unfair to him because I know he feels judged. I don't know what it is but sometimes he really does aggravate me to no end.
A week ago I had to have a very professional conversation with him because he seems to think acting, dressing and talking a certain way because he's JUST an INTERN at my job deems him unaccountable. Wrong. Dead wrong. I told him he has no idea who he'll meet, who is looking or listening to him when he's running his mouth and it can affect him in the future once he graduates. He thought I was using that as a smoke screen for trying to tell him he embarrasses me at work. And you know what, on some level, he does. Because he acts like a child - but I didn't tell him that.
I just wanted him to know he has to treat this as he would anything else he'd hope to get ahead in. He HAS to respect it if he wants the same. He has to dress and walk and act a certain way. And I think he heard me. Because I made sure to assert the fact that it wasn't a PERSONAL attack on him. It was a manager talking to an intern about his habits and behavior at work.
The next day he changed his attire. His actions changed. Granted he still thinks he can hug me at work. Which sometimes it's doable, but most often than not, it's not.
I just want him to understand that in the work field, it's not games and 'sliding by'. Regardless of who he is.
Unfortunately, it was short lived but I can only hope it carries over. He got another internship doing something he likes with another company. So he will no longer be here. I hope he keeps the dress code and work mentality in mind when he goes toward the next step.
We have a lot of deep discussions. And I know it changes how he sees me, and part of me just doesn't care.
I want him to somehow realize this isn't what he needs. I can be a stepping stone for him to something bigger, greater. Maybe someone more understanding and wonderful to him, for him. I think that's also why I haven't slept with him either. I just can't bring myself to. He's not Chris. He doesn't know me, my body, where to touch me, how to touch me, despite how much eh wants to.
Speaking of which, I did however see Chris Sunday on his weekend. We all spent the day together. Him, myself and Jaiden. It was wonderful.
And then again on Monday when he brought her home. He ended up staying longer than anticipated and needless to say, that 8 month hiatus of physical contact from anyone, Chris himself being the past person I was with, was shattered. I couldn't say no and e couldn't keep away. We just fell into each other.
And so now...I feel that self loathing because why? I'm kind of with Ethan, and I slept with Chris. And won't sleep with Ethan. Is that wrong? Am I ...well yes it is cheating technically. And I hate that I've done it. And I keep thinking "But it was with Chris and he's the only one I want" as if those words would make what I did ok. As if it would excuse me from doing it. I just...I can't sleep with Ethan and have it mean something and I don't want to sleep with him and have it mean nothing. To him he doesn't care. He's a guy. He's a horny 19 year old guy.
But to me, it's worlds different.
And to me, Chris is everything ...
I'm torn between having something so great and wanting something so wrong.
It makes me just another statistic, really. I've got a great person who wants to be and give me everything and is concerned with my happiness and well being, and I'm busy chasing after the asshole who doesn't give a fuck.
I can't win. or maybe I can and I just don't want to.
I need patience and resolve for this dilemma. Because I can't keep this charade up. As much fun as it is to always have someone worship the ground you walk on while you're carrying some douchebag on your back, I can't do it anymore. I can't do it to myself or to Ethan.
This sucks.
I'm just ..I have my ideas of what I like and what I don't like. How I want things done and all that jazz. I feel unfair to him because I know he feels judged. I don't know what it is but sometimes he really does aggravate me to no end.
A week ago I had to have a very professional conversation with him because he seems to think acting, dressing and talking a certain way because he's JUST an INTERN at my job deems him unaccountable. Wrong. Dead wrong. I told him he has no idea who he'll meet, who is looking or listening to him when he's running his mouth and it can affect him in the future once he graduates. He thought I was using that as a smoke screen for trying to tell him he embarrasses me at work. And you know what, on some level, he does. Because he acts like a child - but I didn't tell him that.
I just wanted him to know he has to treat this as he would anything else he'd hope to get ahead in. He HAS to respect it if he wants the same. He has to dress and walk and act a certain way. And I think he heard me. Because I made sure to assert the fact that it wasn't a PERSONAL attack on him. It was a manager talking to an intern about his habits and behavior at work.
The next day he changed his attire. His actions changed. Granted he still thinks he can hug me at work. Which sometimes it's doable, but most often than not, it's not.
I just want him to understand that in the work field, it's not games and 'sliding by'. Regardless of who he is.
Unfortunately, it was short lived but I can only hope it carries over. He got another internship doing something he likes with another company. So he will no longer be here. I hope he keeps the dress code and work mentality in mind when he goes toward the next step.
We have a lot of deep discussions. And I know it changes how he sees me, and part of me just doesn't care.
I want him to somehow realize this isn't what he needs. I can be a stepping stone for him to something bigger, greater. Maybe someone more understanding and wonderful to him, for him. I think that's also why I haven't slept with him either. I just can't bring myself to. He's not Chris. He doesn't know me, my body, where to touch me, how to touch me, despite how much eh wants to.
Speaking of which, I did however see Chris Sunday on his weekend. We all spent the day together. Him, myself and Jaiden. It was wonderful.
And then again on Monday when he brought her home. He ended up staying longer than anticipated and needless to say, that 8 month hiatus of physical contact from anyone, Chris himself being the past person I was with, was shattered. I couldn't say no and e couldn't keep away. We just fell into each other.
And so now...I feel that self loathing because why? I'm kind of with Ethan, and I slept with Chris. And won't sleep with Ethan. Is that wrong? Am I ...well yes it is cheating technically. And I hate that I've done it. And I keep thinking "But it was with Chris and he's the only one I want" as if those words would make what I did ok. As if it would excuse me from doing it. I just...I can't sleep with Ethan and have it mean something and I don't want to sleep with him and have it mean nothing. To him he doesn't care. He's a guy. He's a horny 19 year old guy.
But to me, it's worlds different.
And to me, Chris is everything ...
I'm torn between having something so great and wanting something so wrong.
It makes me just another statistic, really. I've got a great person who wants to be and give me everything and is concerned with my happiness and well being, and I'm busy chasing after the asshole who doesn't give a fuck.
I can't win. or maybe I can and I just don't want to.
I need patience and resolve for this dilemma. Because I can't keep this charade up. As much fun as it is to always have someone worship the ground you walk on while you're carrying some douchebag on your back, I can't do it anymore. I can't do it to myself or to Ethan.
This sucks.
Monday, May 6, 2013
Young love.
There's so much I could say. But really, what else can I say except I think I might MIGHT be sorta kinda over Chris.
Maybe. I might just be caught up in all the joys and excitement of someone new.
Who knew???
Me...finding someone new.
And it wasn't even me. It was all him.
And granted there are many vast differences between us - the biggest one being our age difference. Aside from that...things are awesome. And I'm afraid that with age, that changes. But with every visit, which isn't often, as we're both very busy, every text, which is also not often because ..again, busy. He assures me of a future.
But it's still too soon to tell.
Last night he slipped up and we both heard it ...he said the infamous 3 words. His only reaction as he stuffed his face into the pillow was "Aw fuck..."...
And here's the best part.
It took me some time to hold his hand.
To kiss him.
We haven't slept together. As much as I want to. And yes I want to but that's because I haven't had sex in like, 7 months. I told him I don't want to be 'that girl.' His reply was "You know and I know you are not that girl and will never be."...
He's so young. But he makes me feel wonderous.
God, you've got a wild sense of humor.
You gave me something so amazing in the package of a 19 year old male. Lol.
Fuck....
But he is genuinely concerned with my happiness.
He physically loves every part of me, from the differences of our palms to my 'bony shoulders' as he so 'eloquently' put it.
He's kind.
He's patient.
He's fine with helping me regain who I was ...like, really was.
I love listening to him speak about his jobs, his volunteering, his studying, his goals and aspirations. And I enjoy telling him how wonderful he makes me feel. And so does he. Lol.
He admits he enjoys the validation I give him of how great he is because it's motivation for him to be more, be better - because as awesome as he is, he thinks, get this..HE THINKS HE ISN'T GOOD ENOUGH.
And I can't ruin this. I can't self-sabotage this.
And I feel like I might. And seriously, the best part about all my insecurities and inhibitions is, I can talk to him about it and we can work through it, together. He really does listen and soothe me. He makes it all ok. He makes me forget all the horrible things and how cruel some men are. But then again, I chalk it up to his age, his youth, and his lack of know.
He hasn't been ripped apart by someone he's given his all too and it frightens me that I might be that person to teach him what a broken heart is really like. I don't want to hurt him. I'm trying so hard not to hurt him.
It's frightening how much I like him.
It's only been a few weeks and I feel like I might be more than in like.
But I know better, and my adult mind tells me this isn't love. It might be down the line but right now, it's not. It cannot be.
He says he sees us getting married and having kids. Soon. And when I asked why the rush his response is that he knows if he waits too long, I either won't want to have children or may not be able to. He wants kids of his own. Kids he's 'forged' as he put it. Lol. And he also doesn't want me to be 'too old' when our child graduates high school or college, and then he still wants us to be able to enoy life together. WHAT 19 YEAR OLD SAYS THESE THINGS!!! (the kind that doesn't know)....I feel like crap for feeling that way but it's true.
He feels as though one day Jaiden will be his daughter, so he considers her as such now. When he talks to her he is reminded that one day...in the future she might be his step-daughter and he wants another child.
He wants a family he can share things with and teach and enjoy life with.
These are great things to want. But am I the right one to want them with.
TBC!
Maybe. I might just be caught up in all the joys and excitement of someone new.
Who knew???
Me...finding someone new.
And it wasn't even me. It was all him.
And granted there are many vast differences between us - the biggest one being our age difference. Aside from that...things are awesome. And I'm afraid that with age, that changes. But with every visit, which isn't often, as we're both very busy, every text, which is also not often because ..again, busy. He assures me of a future.
But it's still too soon to tell.
Last night he slipped up and we both heard it ...he said the infamous 3 words. His only reaction as he stuffed his face into the pillow was "Aw fuck..."...
And here's the best part.
It took me some time to hold his hand.
To kiss him.
We haven't slept together. As much as I want to. And yes I want to but that's because I haven't had sex in like, 7 months. I told him I don't want to be 'that girl.' His reply was "You know and I know you are not that girl and will never be."...
He's so young. But he makes me feel wonderous.
God, you've got a wild sense of humor.
You gave me something so amazing in the package of a 19 year old male. Lol.
Fuck....
But he is genuinely concerned with my happiness.
He physically loves every part of me, from the differences of our palms to my 'bony shoulders' as he so 'eloquently' put it.
He's kind.
He's patient.
He's fine with helping me regain who I was ...like, really was.
I love listening to him speak about his jobs, his volunteering, his studying, his goals and aspirations. And I enjoy telling him how wonderful he makes me feel. And so does he. Lol.
He admits he enjoys the validation I give him of how great he is because it's motivation for him to be more, be better - because as awesome as he is, he thinks, get this..HE THINKS HE ISN'T GOOD ENOUGH.
And I can't ruin this. I can't self-sabotage this.
And I feel like I might. And seriously, the best part about all my insecurities and inhibitions is, I can talk to him about it and we can work through it, together. He really does listen and soothe me. He makes it all ok. He makes me forget all the horrible things and how cruel some men are. But then again, I chalk it up to his age, his youth, and his lack of know.
He hasn't been ripped apart by someone he's given his all too and it frightens me that I might be that person to teach him what a broken heart is really like. I don't want to hurt him. I'm trying so hard not to hurt him.
It's frightening how much I like him.
It's only been a few weeks and I feel like I might be more than in like.
But I know better, and my adult mind tells me this isn't love. It might be down the line but right now, it's not. It cannot be.
He says he sees us getting married and having kids. Soon. And when I asked why the rush his response is that he knows if he waits too long, I either won't want to have children or may not be able to. He wants kids of his own. Kids he's 'forged' as he put it. Lol. And he also doesn't want me to be 'too old' when our child graduates high school or college, and then he still wants us to be able to enoy life together. WHAT 19 YEAR OLD SAYS THESE THINGS!!! (the kind that doesn't know)....I feel like crap for feeling that way but it's true.
He feels as though one day Jaiden will be his daughter, so he considers her as such now. When he talks to her he is reminded that one day...in the future she might be his step-daughter and he wants another child.
He wants a family he can share things with and teach and enjoy life with.
These are great things to want. But am I the right one to want them with.
TBC!
Saturday, January 26, 2013
...what a life.
I was just staring at my phone saying "I don't want to" but I don't know why I'm here. Writing. Nothing new to say. Nothing to reveal other than a clear and utter miserable notion...I want him to be rejected, hurt, alone, agonized. The very day after I told him to his face I wanted nothing to do with him, the very next day he says he loves me. The day after he sends flowers and then day after that we never speak again until I had to throw him out...he came over with no warning, no call. On my weekend. To take her food shopping at 9pm...I said no. it spurred a fight and I asked him to leave. I didn't ask. I said he needed to go. Since then it's been silence. He took her late on his weekend, after bring me dinner. And we haven't heard from him since I picked her up promptly on Sunday at 5pm.
It was his birthday yesterday...and his mother had the gall to text me and say "it would be nice if Chris got a call from Jaiden wishing him a happy birthday" I wanted to reply to that in so many different ways but I ignored her.
Chris doesn't acknowledge us at all. So fuck him ESPECIALLY on his birthday.
I've been emotionally hurt the past few times because of Jaiden. She says the damnest things..."I don't like when you comb my hair, I like when Daddy does."
"I wish daddy would come home."
"Mommy do you care about daddy?"
"I wish my daddy would come and get me. "
...I can't do this..I can't face those words. i get hurt. MY FEELINGS are too fragile to handle this garbage. I get it. She's 3. She knows what's going on and she's trying to make sense of it too. She's with me all the time. He lets her do whatever the fuck she wants. He's the fun person. I'm the actual parent. The rule-maker. The deal breaker. The law. And it KILLS me when she asks for him and acts like he's so fucking wonderful. I shut down. I get so angry and so hurt, I have to just shut up...because I can't scream and yell at a child. And when I do cry about it she will say she's sorry but she has no idea what she's sorry for because 5 minutes later, she's saying the same fucking shit again. Daddy this and daddy that and I can't...
HE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT HER.
And he knows it. I know it.
Last week his friend was telling me he's been mass texting people to go out bar hopping and clubbing for his birthday. He did the same last night for tonight. 34 years old and he still chooses to live like he's 21.
And here I am carrying this huge emotional burden of a child who wants a person she only knows as 'daddy' and talks to me like I'm nothing to her. Like I don't provide and take care of her, love her and teach her.
When I picked her up she said "mommy Daddy's family loves me, they buy me things. "...
...as if his stupid ass doesn't break my heart enough, I have to hear it from her. Everything I do I've done for her, for us and it feels like it's for nothing. She's with everyone and against me.
...I can't...
It was his birthday yesterday...and his mother had the gall to text me and say "it would be nice if Chris got a call from Jaiden wishing him a happy birthday" I wanted to reply to that in so many different ways but I ignored her.
Chris doesn't acknowledge us at all. So fuck him ESPECIALLY on his birthday.
I've been emotionally hurt the past few times because of Jaiden. She says the damnest things..."I don't like when you comb my hair, I like when Daddy does."
"I wish daddy would come home."
"Mommy do you care about daddy?"
"I wish my daddy would come and get me. "
...I can't do this..I can't face those words. i get hurt. MY FEELINGS are too fragile to handle this garbage. I get it. She's 3. She knows what's going on and she's trying to make sense of it too. She's with me all the time. He lets her do whatever the fuck she wants. He's the fun person. I'm the actual parent. The rule-maker. The deal breaker. The law. And it KILLS me when she asks for him and acts like he's so fucking wonderful. I shut down. I get so angry and so hurt, I have to just shut up...because I can't scream and yell at a child. And when I do cry about it she will say she's sorry but she has no idea what she's sorry for because 5 minutes later, she's saying the same fucking shit again. Daddy this and daddy that and I can't...
HE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT HER.
And he knows it. I know it.
Last week his friend was telling me he's been mass texting people to go out bar hopping and clubbing for his birthday. He did the same last night for tonight. 34 years old and he still chooses to live like he's 21.
And here I am carrying this huge emotional burden of a child who wants a person she only knows as 'daddy' and talks to me like I'm nothing to her. Like I don't provide and take care of her, love her and teach her.
When I picked her up she said "mommy Daddy's family loves me, they buy me things. "...
...as if his stupid ass doesn't break my heart enough, I have to hear it from her. Everything I do I've done for her, for us and it feels like it's for nothing. She's with everyone and against me.
...I can't...
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
The willingness of surviving.
I haven't been on here in a quite some time. I guess it was me not acknowledging my feelings by not having to focus on writing it down. I'm still hurt, but I'm not only just hurt now, because my feelings have evolved.
I'm angry.
I'm bitter.
I'm resentful.
Angry at him because it still hasn't hit him how he's messing his life up. But who am I to tell him how to live. Certainly not his mother.
Bitter because I gave, and gave and got hurt and GAVE some more. I wasn't good enough to pick on his own. People usually know after a few days, even some weeks. But it's been months.
Resentful because I did everything I could to hold on. And it didn't resonate in him. He hated being here so him reflecting on anything I did means diddly. He didn't appreciate a damn thing so he can't say "Oh, I miss that...” or anything along those lines.
But it's all part of the process right?
My reason for even writing today isn't to think about him.
It was to say 'Thank you' to ...mainly to God.
He's taken care of me since I fell.
I remember when I used to pray, all I did was pray. I wrote my prayers, I cried myself to sleep with my prayers. And all I prayed for was him. To have him come back. Have him come for me, for us, to want to be with me. Build a life with me.
And you know what God did? He ignored those prayers. Still, he does.
But you know what he did?
He made me strong to hold onto my home that I PICKED, that I worked HARD for. He let me be able to keep it, so that I could provide that home for myself and my daughter.
He gave me a second job. And with no real difficulty.
He gave me friends who helped me so much, I could never really say how much I appreciated them.
He gave me the motivation, despite having my heart stomped on repeatedly, to keep my chin up, even when I was on my knees every fucking day...
He gave me the persistence to go after things that seemed out of my league because of education and or experience.
He gave me a natural disaster to allow me to step up and shine...so that those professional lacking, didn't seem so much. And I was ushered into a new era in my life.
He gave me an understanding family that through our misunderstandings, still hold me up and hold me strong.
He gave me my health, so I'd always be able to protect and care for my daughter.
He gave me a great opportunity to further my networking and with that, opened up several doors for me.
He is offering me financial freedom, even if it takes a few months; he has made it more than possible now.
He's given me the confidence to look for bigger, better things.
That includes not just a brand new job, but to look for a home that Jaiden and I can call our own.
He's also given me a HUGE HUGE positive...yesterday I spoke to a lawyer that I hadn't had contact with in about 3 years.
Quick and short: because Chris had left me high and dry during my pregnancy, I was left with a lot of debt ...as a single, unemployed mother who was just coming out of a major c-section surgery, watching all those bills pile up and just suffocate me, I was sent a check in the mail. I took it as a sign, and without actually READING it properly, used it to pay off said debts.
In fact, that check was supposed to be sent to the hospital for yet ANOTHER bill.
I ended up having a suit filed against me for that money. And I owned up to my mistake.
Chris was aware of it. And never once offered to help me pay for any of it still. Never even spoke of it. Asked about it.
And I'm taking a large amount of money here. Not just hundreds, but thousands. I tried to appeal to the doctor, the lawyer, I wrote letters, made calls, even had my insurance company on the phone speaking to them on my behalf, that I made a mistake and wanted to rectify it. I'd go on a payment plan if possible. Mind you, I was still broke and very much unemployed.
They wouldn't hear me out.
So that suit sat on my credit report for 3 years. When I went to talk to a mortgage officer last week, he gave me some advice. Reach out to them again and see if a settlement, something could be worked out, possibly. He even said, honestly, perhaps, that if I could gather the money to get a settlement, do it. He said it might be hard or close to impossible to get a payment plan set because it's a substantial amount of money and despite the fact it's been 3 years and they want their money, they might not want to have to keep up with something like that. I took it into deep consideration. He also said to let him know if I got my promotion so he could update my files. The more money I make the more I would qualify for as a first time home buyer as far as loans and such.
Yesterday I called back the lawyer...and was trying to appeal to him yet again. I let him know I had no intention of running away from this as if I'd get out of paying it. I wasn't. I wanted to get it off my back. I offered to make payments. I did fib a lil. I didn't tell him how long I was at my job or the amount of hours I work, or that I just got a promotion. I said it was part time at 8$ an hour and I was recently employed and I wanted to get something going on this suit. I made it seem as though the suit was a priority.
And it is, just not top-of-the-list.
I offered to pay 50$ a month...but he said he wouldn't be able to do that. So I offered to pay a little more and made it seem as though I'd be making some huge sacrifice to make that work. Why? If I could get this taken off my credit report because an agreement was come to, I would be able to go ahead with buying a home in the future. It made that dream more tangible. Not immediate but definitely sooner than expected.
So a little bit later today I'll be calling that mortgage advisor back and speak to him about this. Ask if this helps me in any way and what's the next step to getting it removed from my credit report.
I've never been a religious person, but I've always believed in a higher power. I believe in fate, in karma, in love and in things I can't see. God might not have given me Chris back. As much as I want him. As much as I want to share every good and bad thing with him. He doesn't see it fit yet. Might not at all. And that hurts ...but I'll press forward with these small favors.
I didn't even tell Chris I was interviewing for the position, much less gotten it.
I guess a part of me thinks he'll take advantage of that small positive and make it a negative. He'll think he doesn't have to pay me on time for the child support or he doesn't have to ...wait. He doesn't do shit else!!
Just child support and even that is like pulling teeth because it's a fight every time.
When my schedule changes, my plan is to simply say they needed me in another facility and since I need the job I couldn't say no.
I don't know what else to do. I hate being deceitful.
But this...this is a betterment for my daughter and I. Because he doesn't care enough.
Life is finding order, but much like the rest of my life, its not in the order I planned it. And even if it's missing the one thing I truly want, I'll take what I'm given and be grateful and thankful.
Next on my agenda? Learning to drive to work. -_-
I'm angry.
I'm bitter.
I'm resentful.
Angry at him because it still hasn't hit him how he's messing his life up. But who am I to tell him how to live. Certainly not his mother.
Bitter because I gave, and gave and got hurt and GAVE some more. I wasn't good enough to pick on his own. People usually know after a few days, even some weeks. But it's been months.
Resentful because I did everything I could to hold on. And it didn't resonate in him. He hated being here so him reflecting on anything I did means diddly. He didn't appreciate a damn thing so he can't say "Oh, I miss that...” or anything along those lines.
But it's all part of the process right?
My reason for even writing today isn't to think about him.
It was to say 'Thank you' to ...mainly to God.
He's taken care of me since I fell.
I remember when I used to pray, all I did was pray. I wrote my prayers, I cried myself to sleep with my prayers. And all I prayed for was him. To have him come back. Have him come for me, for us, to want to be with me. Build a life with me.
And you know what God did? He ignored those prayers. Still, he does.
But you know what he did?
He made me strong to hold onto my home that I PICKED, that I worked HARD for. He let me be able to keep it, so that I could provide that home for myself and my daughter.
He gave me a second job. And with no real difficulty.
He gave me friends who helped me so much, I could never really say how much I appreciated them.
He gave me the motivation, despite having my heart stomped on repeatedly, to keep my chin up, even when I was on my knees every fucking day...
He gave me the persistence to go after things that seemed out of my league because of education and or experience.
He gave me a natural disaster to allow me to step up and shine...so that those professional lacking, didn't seem so much. And I was ushered into a new era in my life.
He gave me an understanding family that through our misunderstandings, still hold me up and hold me strong.
He gave me my health, so I'd always be able to protect and care for my daughter.
He gave me a great opportunity to further my networking and with that, opened up several doors for me.
He is offering me financial freedom, even if it takes a few months; he has made it more than possible now.
He's given me the confidence to look for bigger, better things.
That includes not just a brand new job, but to look for a home that Jaiden and I can call our own.
He's also given me a HUGE HUGE positive...yesterday I spoke to a lawyer that I hadn't had contact with in about 3 years.
Quick and short: because Chris had left me high and dry during my pregnancy, I was left with a lot of debt ...as a single, unemployed mother who was just coming out of a major c-section surgery, watching all those bills pile up and just suffocate me, I was sent a check in the mail. I took it as a sign, and without actually READING it properly, used it to pay off said debts.
In fact, that check was supposed to be sent to the hospital for yet ANOTHER bill.
I ended up having a suit filed against me for that money. And I owned up to my mistake.
Chris was aware of it. And never once offered to help me pay for any of it still. Never even spoke of it. Asked about it.
And I'm taking a large amount of money here. Not just hundreds, but thousands. I tried to appeal to the doctor, the lawyer, I wrote letters, made calls, even had my insurance company on the phone speaking to them on my behalf, that I made a mistake and wanted to rectify it. I'd go on a payment plan if possible. Mind you, I was still broke and very much unemployed.
They wouldn't hear me out.
So that suit sat on my credit report for 3 years. When I went to talk to a mortgage officer last week, he gave me some advice. Reach out to them again and see if a settlement, something could be worked out, possibly. He even said, honestly, perhaps, that if I could gather the money to get a settlement, do it. He said it might be hard or close to impossible to get a payment plan set because it's a substantial amount of money and despite the fact it's been 3 years and they want their money, they might not want to have to keep up with something like that. I took it into deep consideration. He also said to let him know if I got my promotion so he could update my files. The more money I make the more I would qualify for as a first time home buyer as far as loans and such.
Yesterday I called back the lawyer...and was trying to appeal to him yet again. I let him know I had no intention of running away from this as if I'd get out of paying it. I wasn't. I wanted to get it off my back. I offered to make payments. I did fib a lil. I didn't tell him how long I was at my job or the amount of hours I work, or that I just got a promotion. I said it was part time at 8$ an hour and I was recently employed and I wanted to get something going on this suit. I made it seem as though the suit was a priority.
And it is, just not top-of-the-list.
I offered to pay 50$ a month...but he said he wouldn't be able to do that. So I offered to pay a little more and made it seem as though I'd be making some huge sacrifice to make that work. Why? If I could get this taken off my credit report because an agreement was come to, I would be able to go ahead with buying a home in the future. It made that dream more tangible. Not immediate but definitely sooner than expected.
So a little bit later today I'll be calling that mortgage advisor back and speak to him about this. Ask if this helps me in any way and what's the next step to getting it removed from my credit report.
I've never been a religious person, but I've always believed in a higher power. I believe in fate, in karma, in love and in things I can't see. God might not have given me Chris back. As much as I want him. As much as I want to share every good and bad thing with him. He doesn't see it fit yet. Might not at all. And that hurts ...but I'll press forward with these small favors.
I didn't even tell Chris I was interviewing for the position, much less gotten it.
I guess a part of me thinks he'll take advantage of that small positive and make it a negative. He'll think he doesn't have to pay me on time for the child support or he doesn't have to ...wait. He doesn't do shit else!!
Just child support and even that is like pulling teeth because it's a fight every time.
When my schedule changes, my plan is to simply say they needed me in another facility and since I need the job I couldn't say no.
I don't know what else to do. I hate being deceitful.
But this...this is a betterment for my daughter and I. Because he doesn't care enough.
Life is finding order, but much like the rest of my life, its not in the order I planned it. And even if it's missing the one thing I truly want, I'll take what I'm given and be grateful and thankful.
Next on my agenda? Learning to drive to work. -_-
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
5 and a half months.
Today is...Tuesday. November 27th, 2012.
5 and a half months ago, my whole world was ripped away from me. I thought i had everything. I had a job that allowed me the flexibility to be with my child, have days off and not be in constant professional demand. It gave me a home life. I was lacking one thing. A home. Yes I had somewhere to go with my daughter at the end of the day, a warm bed. Someone was there. But no one was waiting. There was no warmth, no love. No future within those walls.
That house wasn't home. It was just somewhere someone else was forced to be because of no thought or action of his own. He was pressured to be and pressured to stay. By everyone but me. He didn't want to be here. He didn't want a family. A home. My being pregnant solidified my place in his life, but not in his family. If I had to have his child, his family made sure I'd always be just that and that alone. His baby momma. And he let them have those reigns to control his life. His decisions, his choices.
5 and a half months ago, he got up and left us.
And my world fell apart. The one person I'd loved for so long, lost, and found years later, didn't want me anymore.
Part of me still feels he's ashamed to be with me.
I'm not..white enough.
I'm not pretty enough.
I'm not rich enough.
Not slutty enough.
Not promiscuous enough.
Not fat enough.
Not bosom heavy enough.
I'm not their choice for him.
And he's ok with that.
Because it makes him making the decision to be with me something he doesn't have to do.
His priorities don't include us.
It included getting a new big screen tv and new furniture and a new apartment. A new life. That did not include me.
5 and a half months later. I still cry. I still love and I still ache.
But I pressed forward.
My reward? I got something I deserved. Finally, a job that can offer Jaiden and I more.
More security than he ever did.
More happiness.
And ...through all the happiness this has brought me. I find myself crying more because he's not here to share it with. He's not here to celebrate and be happy with me.
This was a great victory for me.
A personal victory.
And it doesn't feel like ...anything ..simply because of him. He's cheapened one of the BEST things that could have happened to me, yet again. He ruined my pregnancy, he made me so depressed.
And with that done, I still gave.
Even today: I found out he was sick. So I took my daughter with me to his house, with soup, medicine ..and made it up for him. After 45 minutes, we left. We both, she and I...cried in the car.
And all we could do was hold each other.
What 3 year old deserves this.
A selfish person ...
Uncaring. Ungiving.
But I got it together, and we went home.
And now...we move on.
I know God has more in store for us, Jaiden and I. Good things. And we are ready.
But being ready really doesn't stop the pain in my heart.
Getting that job, having that money, working out that plan with that lawyer, doesn't stop the ache in side my ..because we are without him. And he doesn't care.
5 and a half months ago, my whole world was ripped away from me. I thought i had everything. I had a job that allowed me the flexibility to be with my child, have days off and not be in constant professional demand. It gave me a home life. I was lacking one thing. A home. Yes I had somewhere to go with my daughter at the end of the day, a warm bed. Someone was there. But no one was waiting. There was no warmth, no love. No future within those walls.
That house wasn't home. It was just somewhere someone else was forced to be because of no thought or action of his own. He was pressured to be and pressured to stay. By everyone but me. He didn't want to be here. He didn't want a family. A home. My being pregnant solidified my place in his life, but not in his family. If I had to have his child, his family made sure I'd always be just that and that alone. His baby momma. And he let them have those reigns to control his life. His decisions, his choices.
5 and a half months ago, he got up and left us.
And my world fell apart. The one person I'd loved for so long, lost, and found years later, didn't want me anymore.
Part of me still feels he's ashamed to be with me.
I'm not..white enough.
I'm not pretty enough.
I'm not rich enough.
Not slutty enough.
Not promiscuous enough.
Not fat enough.
Not bosom heavy enough.
I'm not their choice for him.
And he's ok with that.
Because it makes him making the decision to be with me something he doesn't have to do.
His priorities don't include us.
It included getting a new big screen tv and new furniture and a new apartment. A new life. That did not include me.
5 and a half months later. I still cry. I still love and I still ache.
But I pressed forward.
My reward? I got something I deserved. Finally, a job that can offer Jaiden and I more.
More security than he ever did.
More happiness.
And ...through all the happiness this has brought me. I find myself crying more because he's not here to share it with. He's not here to celebrate and be happy with me.
This was a great victory for me.
A personal victory.
And it doesn't feel like ...anything ..simply because of him. He's cheapened one of the BEST things that could have happened to me, yet again. He ruined my pregnancy, he made me so depressed.
And with that done, I still gave.
Even today: I found out he was sick. So I took my daughter with me to his house, with soup, medicine ..and made it up for him. After 45 minutes, we left. We both, she and I...cried in the car.
And all we could do was hold each other.
What 3 year old deserves this.
A selfish person ...
Uncaring. Ungiving.
But I got it together, and we went home.
And now...we move on.
I know God has more in store for us, Jaiden and I. Good things. And we are ready.
But being ready really doesn't stop the pain in my heart.
Getting that job, having that money, working out that plan with that lawyer, doesn't stop the ache in side my ..because we are without him. And he doesn't care.
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