The ability to love. Love past flaws, love beyond wrongs, mistakes, lies, love regardless of race, distance. I feel like its torture to have waited so long to finally find love, to be put through so much from the one I chose, to come out with so little.
I mean I have my daughter. Irreplaceable. But my heart is so jaded, so wounded now. And I was cautious. I was careful of his heart. I was mindful of his feelings. His needs. His wants. His dreams. His family. His work. His joys.
And it's brought me abandonment. Physical and emotional neglect.
Why would anyone want to destroy something so great in a person. Ruin their love. And it's not like the culprit is unaware. They've been hurt. They've hurt others.
And me, the doe eyed wounded deer, after being crippled, shot at, chased through the darkness of the forest, I still turned tail to go back for my assailant as if he'd fix me. He'd nurses wounds. Take my pain. Peeking out from the one tree trunk that separates me from him. And he sees me. Knows I'm there. But he won't give me much attention. Just a few breadcrumbs.
Just enough to make sure I come back ...make sure I never really leave.
Love should never be this unfair...
And I know you're saying I should be better equipped to walk away. But that would have required me to step on others, break their hearts, hurt them to get there.
I just can't do that. I believe in love too much ...
Sent from my iPhone
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
That conversation
With all the questions that burn my mind when I give in to the thoughts ...
Do you ever miss me?
Why don't you tell me? Or text me? Or even call me?
Do you love me still? Are you happy where you are? Who you're with? What you and your life has become?
It's been so long and I've seen no change in you. No real change anyways. I know if I missed you I used to tell you. Sometimes laying in bed at 1am when I have to be up at 4am, I miss you so much I have to tell you. And you say "I know you do" like it's supposed to console me. Ease me. Yeah you know, but then what? Do you love me back? Should I stop? Give me something. Tell me you love me too. Tell me you don't. Tell me you think I should let go and try not to love you. Tell me you'll be home soon. Tell me you aren't happy. Tell me you are. Tell me something. Anything that says something has changed. Tell me it's been 2 months and more and you've had some time to think. To reflect. To decide. 'I don't know' list validity so long ago.
Saturday is the 1st and I'm scared. Scared that you will sign that lease and leave. And then we shift into the whole 'every other weekend you'll see daddy' routine. We turn into Jaiden's mom and dad. I just can't wrap my head around that yet.
I need you.
I wish you were here.
We miss you so much.
I just .. I'm tired of waiting for you to love me, choose me. Because then I have to face reality of it never happening.
I'm tired of aching for you so much it makes my ulcers burn.
I'm tired of watching people around me, 5-10 years younger than I finding live, getting married, making decisions. Looking forward to their futures.
I'm tired of waiting for my turn. My turn to have love. Be wanted, chased, fought for, proposed to. When's my wedding. My next pregnancy that we can face together instead of my first, all alone, depressed, pity.
When's my turn to not be in charge and be led. Faithfully led.
Do you ever miss me?
Why don't you tell me? Or text me? Or even call me?
Do you love me still? Are you happy where you are? Who you're with? What you and your life has become?
It's been so long and I've seen no change in you. No real change anyways. I know if I missed you I used to tell you. Sometimes laying in bed at 1am when I have to be up at 4am, I miss you so much I have to tell you. And you say "I know you do" like it's supposed to console me. Ease me. Yeah you know, but then what? Do you love me back? Should I stop? Give me something. Tell me you love me too. Tell me you don't. Tell me you think I should let go and try not to love you. Tell me you'll be home soon. Tell me you aren't happy. Tell me you are. Tell me something. Anything that says something has changed. Tell me it's been 2 months and more and you've had some time to think. To reflect. To decide. 'I don't know' list validity so long ago.
Saturday is the 1st and I'm scared. Scared that you will sign that lease and leave. And then we shift into the whole 'every other weekend you'll see daddy' routine. We turn into Jaiden's mom and dad. I just can't wrap my head around that yet.
I need you.
I wish you were here.
We miss you so much.
I just .. I'm tired of waiting for you to love me, choose me. Because then I have to face reality of it never happening.
I'm tired of aching for you so much it makes my ulcers burn.
I'm tired of watching people around me, 5-10 years younger than I finding live, getting married, making decisions. Looking forward to their futures.
I'm tired of waiting for my turn. My turn to have love. Be wanted, chased, fought for, proposed to. When's my wedding. My next pregnancy that we can face together instead of my first, all alone, depressed, pity.
When's my turn to not be in charge and be led. Faithfully led.
Monday, August 27, 2012
Saturday, August 25, 2012
...never ending battle sure to worsen
..that's how the last week has been. Face to face? Monday he was very loving, very clingy. Tuesday, asked for numerous hugs. Lots of kisses. Thursday, phonecall. Complete asshole when I told him he couldn't take Jaiden to his sister's. Followed by random and vague texts, ignored phonecall or two and complete bs. Friday morning he sent a message via FACEBOOK.
"You know each time you post something about Jaiden something you demonize me and make seem like its just you 2 vs. the world. I don't want to argue, just saying thats what I get when I read it."
I found that hysterical. And I never replied. I'm suddenly someone you message on a social network. Saturday texted to have her, but we got home late, and she fell asleep ...didn't want to wake up when he came, which was an hour and a half later than he said. "I'd be done by 3."..so ok, showing up at 4.30pm wasn't exactly enlightening. He came, gave her and I both a kiss and left, said to go back to bed. Texted at 6.."Is she awake." called at 7. "Is she up yet"...nope. I texted him at almost 8, and now wishing I hadn't. Told him she woke up from a bad dream, said I needed to fix daddy. Went and got a screwdriver for me.
Coming from a 3 year old, that broke my fucking heart. You know what he said? Make sure and put it on facebook. I said "be a jerk, go back to your family, sorry". turned my phone to vibrate and just let it go.
Why does he have to be a complete and utter fuck face?
So..I went and blocked him from seeing anything new from now on. Everything. Pictures, posts.
The blocked phone calls have been coming again. Same girl. Saying I'm stupid for believing anything he says.
I told her she really should call him and tell her how she feels. Because telling me really does nothing. I'm nobody to him anymore. She laughed and hung up.
Damned if I leave him alone and he doesn't get what he wants, he turns into a royal asshole. And damned if I say anything and get my throat bashed in. OR damned if he's in my face and acting like the love of my fucking life. And when he's not, he's a cunt.
I can't win.
I give up. I gave up. And it hurts ten times worse. Because now I dread every phone call, every visit.
"You know each time you post something about Jaiden something you demonize me and make seem like its just you 2 vs. the world. I don't want to argue, just saying thats what I get when I read it."
I found that hysterical. And I never replied. I'm suddenly someone you message on a social network. Saturday texted to have her, but we got home late, and she fell asleep ...didn't want to wake up when he came, which was an hour and a half later than he said. "I'd be done by 3."..so ok, showing up at 4.30pm wasn't exactly enlightening. He came, gave her and I both a kiss and left, said to go back to bed. Texted at 6.."Is she awake." called at 7. "Is she up yet"...nope. I texted him at almost 8, and now wishing I hadn't. Told him she woke up from a bad dream, said I needed to fix daddy. Went and got a screwdriver for me.
Coming from a 3 year old, that broke my fucking heart. You know what he said? Make sure and put it on facebook. I said "be a jerk, go back to your family, sorry". turned my phone to vibrate and just let it go.
Why does he have to be a complete and utter fuck face?
So..I went and blocked him from seeing anything new from now on. Everything. Pictures, posts.
The blocked phone calls have been coming again. Same girl. Saying I'm stupid for believing anything he says.
I told her she really should call him and tell her how she feels. Because telling me really does nothing. I'm nobody to him anymore. She laughed and hung up.
Damned if I leave him alone and he doesn't get what he wants, he turns into a royal asshole. And damned if I say anything and get my throat bashed in. OR damned if he's in my face and acting like the love of my fucking life. And when he's not, he's a cunt.
I can't win.
I give up. I gave up. And it hurts ten times worse. Because now I dread every phone call, every visit.
Friday, August 24, 2012
Breakdown
That's what he seems to be having. Last night he completely wigged because 'he can't be left alone'. Meaning ...and this is solely stated off his ranting and fragmented texts. He can't have one day to do what he wants without having to answer to anyone. Ok so ...you chose that shit yourself. That's on you! You gave up your life, your family and went back to sit on your mothers house on your fucking own. It's no body's fault but yours ...
So as far as I know, he was home drinking and being passive aggressive.
All he does is confuse me and the moment I feel like I can make it, he pulls me right back. And it's not fair. I shouldn't be slowing down or waiting for him to catch up. He needs to get his ass in gear and reach me.
He wanted to take Jaiden to his sisters house and I said no. Why? She has a cat. Why is that do hard to wrap around. Your child is allergic to cats. Will you be such an asshole and subject her to discomfort?
How about the fact that your family knows your daughter is allergic and they kept the 12 or 15 they have and your sister GETS a new cat? Isn't that just fucking cruel? And disrespectful to you, me and her?
You don't see that.
And I get half assed rambles about how you hated the apartment for the STUPIDEST reasons. It's on a main street, the floors creaked. Ok so, your stupid ass should have said "Hey babe let's move to another complex. Or let's look for a home to rent. Something better than here." no!! You fucking sat there and complained and bitched to no one but yourself.
You declined my every fucking attempt.
You know what? Fuck you. Sit on Facebook and reminisce about bars and clubs with guys your age, or older who have no families and no goals. Those are the friends you want and seek.
I'm done wondering and worrying about you. You don't give me a second thought. And when you do, you use me. Be miserable for your own choices. Be miserable because you are in fact a pussy who can't make any decisions without wondering what your mother and sister will say or think of you. You obviously cannot stand up for yourself do you sure as fuck can't stand up for me.
I should have ignored your call yesterday like I intended. But I had hopes for good news. Not a fight.
You have no idea what your doing?
Get a clue. Because I've had it.
....and now I want to cry.
Sent from my iPhone
So as far as I know, he was home drinking and being passive aggressive.
All he does is confuse me and the moment I feel like I can make it, he pulls me right back. And it's not fair. I shouldn't be slowing down or waiting for him to catch up. He needs to get his ass in gear and reach me.
He wanted to take Jaiden to his sisters house and I said no. Why? She has a cat. Why is that do hard to wrap around. Your child is allergic to cats. Will you be such an asshole and subject her to discomfort?
How about the fact that your family knows your daughter is allergic and they kept the 12 or 15 they have and your sister GETS a new cat? Isn't that just fucking cruel? And disrespectful to you, me and her?
You don't see that.
And I get half assed rambles about how you hated the apartment for the STUPIDEST reasons. It's on a main street, the floors creaked. Ok so, your stupid ass should have said "Hey babe let's move to another complex. Or let's look for a home to rent. Something better than here." no!! You fucking sat there and complained and bitched to no one but yourself.
You declined my every fucking attempt.
You know what? Fuck you. Sit on Facebook and reminisce about bars and clubs with guys your age, or older who have no families and no goals. Those are the friends you want and seek.
I'm done wondering and worrying about you. You don't give me a second thought. And when you do, you use me. Be miserable for your own choices. Be miserable because you are in fact a pussy who can't make any decisions without wondering what your mother and sister will say or think of you. You obviously cannot stand up for yourself do you sure as fuck can't stand up for me.
I should have ignored your call yesterday like I intended. But I had hopes for good news. Not a fight.
You have no idea what your doing?
Get a clue. Because I've had it.
....and now I want to cry.
Sent from my iPhone
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Save me
All the cliche lines, all the stupid words of wisdom I could yank out my ass right now would mean diddly for how vacant I feel. And it's an unfair deduction as to why. I haven't done anything.
I want.
I need.
I miss.
I crave.
But I don't tell him. It's like, I was fine letting go. Well, giving him room. And now that I know he misses me I want to swoop in and tell him "Yes, I'm here. I never left. " blah blah blah. And I'm hurt by the fact that he still wants to move. 2 weeks is a long time. I know. Things could change. Yesterday he came and took all his bills and paperwork. It hurt a little, truth be told. I wanted to say so much. Every time he asked for a hug I wanted to just melt into him. Tell him to stay. Come home. But I bit my tongue, held him while I could and let go when I had to. My heart wanes when the days go by and we share no contact.
I hate this illusion I have to put out there. That I'm ok. That I'll make it. He asked about me getting the receptionist job, I said I hadn't gotten it yet. Which isn't true. I have it. For about 2 weeks now. Been training. He asked if it was more money. I said no. Which also isn't true. It pays a dollar more. He asked if I would have that and do my night shift. I said I didn't know since I didn't have the job yet. Another untruth. But I don't want to guilt him ...he's the reason I had to look for another job, yes. But he needs to come back for me based on other things. Not just "she can't support herself And our daughter. I have to be there". He stayed for that and other reasons. And it's why we are where we are. I saw he found a letter I wrote to him on our 4 year anniversary. He stuck it to the one I wrote when we got together. And I noticed just like the first letter, the other never said "I love you" but I said everything else.
Ugh it's draining. Loving someone from afar.
Sent from my iPhone
I want.
I need.
I miss.
I crave.
But I don't tell him. It's like, I was fine letting go. Well, giving him room. And now that I know he misses me I want to swoop in and tell him "Yes, I'm here. I never left. " blah blah blah. And I'm hurt by the fact that he still wants to move. 2 weeks is a long time. I know. Things could change. Yesterday he came and took all his bills and paperwork. It hurt a little, truth be told. I wanted to say so much. Every time he asked for a hug I wanted to just melt into him. Tell him to stay. Come home. But I bit my tongue, held him while I could and let go when I had to. My heart wanes when the days go by and we share no contact.
I hate this illusion I have to put out there. That I'm ok. That I'll make it. He asked about me getting the receptionist job, I said I hadn't gotten it yet. Which isn't true. I have it. For about 2 weeks now. Been training. He asked if it was more money. I said no. Which also isn't true. It pays a dollar more. He asked if I would have that and do my night shift. I said I didn't know since I didn't have the job yet. Another untruth. But I don't want to guilt him ...he's the reason I had to look for another job, yes. But he needs to come back for me based on other things. Not just "she can't support herself And our daughter. I have to be there". He stayed for that and other reasons. And it's why we are where we are. I saw he found a letter I wrote to him on our 4 year anniversary. He stuck it to the one I wrote when we got together. And I noticed just like the first letter, the other never said "I love you" but I said everything else.
Ugh it's draining. Loving someone from afar.
Sent from my iPhone
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