Breakdown

That's what he seems to be having. Last night he completely wigged because 'he can't be left alone'. Meaning ...and this is solely stated off his ranting and fragmented texts. He can't have one day to do what he wants without having to answer to anyone. Ok so ...you chose that shit yourself. That's on you! You gave up your life, your family and went back to sit on your mothers house on your fucking own. It's no body's fault but yours ...
So as far as I know, he was home drinking and being passive aggressive.
All he does is confuse me and the moment I feel like I can make it, he pulls me right back. And it's not fair. I shouldn't be slowing down or waiting for him to catch up. He needs to get his ass in gear and reach me.

He wanted to take Jaiden to his sisters house and I said no. Why? She has a cat. Why is that do hard to wrap around. Your child is allergic to cats. Will you be such an asshole and subject her to discomfort?

How about the fact that your family knows your daughter is allergic and they kept the 12 or 15 they have and your sister GETS a new cat? Isn't that just fucking cruel? And disrespectful to you, me and her?

You don't see that.
And I get half assed rambles about how you hated the apartment for the STUPIDEST reasons. It's on a main street, the floors creaked. Ok so, your stupid ass should have said "Hey babe let's move to another complex. Or let's look for a home to rent. Something better than here." no!! You fucking sat there and complained and bitched to no one but yourself.
You declined my every fucking attempt.

You know what? Fuck you. Sit on Facebook and reminisce about bars and clubs with guys your age, or older who have no families and no goals. Those are the friends you want and seek.

I'm done wondering and worrying about you. You don't give me a second thought. And when you do, you use me. Be miserable for your own choices. Be miserable because you are in fact a pussy who can't make any decisions without wondering what your mother and sister will say or think of you. You obviously cannot stand up for yourself do you sure as fuck can't stand up for me.
I should have ignored your call yesterday like I intended. But I had hopes for good news. Not a fight.
You have no idea what your doing?
Get a clue. Because I've had it.
....and now I want to cry.
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Save me

All the cliche lines, all the stupid words of wisdom I could yank out my ass right now would mean diddly for how vacant I feel. And it's an unfair deduction as to why. I haven't done anything.
I want.
I need.
I miss.
I crave.
But I don't tell him. It's like, I was fine letting go. Well, giving him room. And now that I know he misses me I want to swoop in and tell him "Yes, I'm here. I never left. " blah blah blah. And I'm hurt by the fact that he still wants to move. 2 weeks is a long time. I know. Things could change. Yesterday he came and took all his bills and paperwork. It hurt a little, truth be told. I wanted to say so much. Every time he asked for a hug I wanted to just melt into him. Tell him to stay. Come home. But I bit my tongue, held him while I could and let go when I had to. My heart wanes when the days go by and we share no contact.
I hate this illusion I have to put out there. That I'm ok. That I'll make it. He asked about me getting the receptionist job, I said I hadn't gotten it yet. Which isn't true. I have it. For about 2 weeks now. Been training. He asked if it was more money. I said no. Which also isn't true. It pays a dollar more. He asked if I would have that and do my night shift. I said I didn't know since I didn't have the job yet. Another untruth. But I don't want to guilt him ...he's the reason I had to look for another job, yes. But he needs to come back for me based on other things. Not just "she can't support herself And our daughter. I have to be there". He stayed for that and other reasons. And it's why we are where we are. I saw he found a letter I wrote to him on our 4 year anniversary. He stuck it to the one I wrote when we got together. And I noticed just like the first letter, the other never said "I love you" but I said everything else.

Ugh it's draining. Loving someone from afar.

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Misery without company

I hate being without him. He's counting down the days he has left til he moves. He's excited. And I was miserable listening. I ache for him to be near. His voice. His presence. And I truly don't know why. But I do. And I know he misses me. I can feel it in his embrace. His kiss. I miss him next to me.
Two months. This sucks. I'm wading in my own misery alone.

I don't ask questions. Because he's not ready to talk. I won't call. Still. Won't text. Still. He knows. And I can say it. But I won't because it's not my turn.

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Still confused

As I'd said. We'd stayed out if touch. No calls. No texts since he left. Last night he was due to return from Vegas. I had just gotten off a long days work after what turned into 12 hours of a mess of a day. I got home with the intent of bringing my daughter back with me.
I have to say, my parents have been incredibly helpful when it comes to my job and my daughter. They've encouraged me to take time for myself. Maybe go out with friends. They had her Thursday night and then yesterday and offered to keep her again since I had work at 8 am this morning and I wouldn't have to drag her there too.
I said yes.
My night was fitful though. I came home, and a friend contacted me. I invited her over for a beer or two. She obliged me.
She lives close. Married, daughter. But she came and sat with me for a couple hours. We caught up with each others lives regardless of us being located so close to each other. She told me that I'd ostracized myself. I'd turned into a hermit just like I did while pregnant. She's right.
This is the same friend who was with me before, during and after my pregnancy. We'd has some crazy nights together when I first moved here. She recalled us being in what used to be an empty apartment. Our late night drives to meet with Chris and other friends, getting lost, silly instances with men who acted like boys.
I think it was maybe the first time I told her I was upset that her and my brother 'dated' when I asked him not to because she's my friend. She's a single mother. And those aren't negative things. I asked him not to simply because I know what she was looking for and I know what he was looking for. It wasn't the same thing. She was heart broken in the end. My friendship was suddenly frail.
But not lost.
Because she's still in my life and I think she still loves me. :)
Lol@text. Yeah she does.

But last night while she was here, it was just after midnight. He texted saying he was home.
My stomach lurched. I wanted to ignore it but I didn't. But I only replied to his "I'm home" with "k" and left it alone.

She left just after 2am and I fell asleep. But awoke 3 hours or less later to my phone telling me Chris was on Facebook. He added pictures. Updated everything. Updated his updates. And changed his status to 'Separated'..
But I was mad. 4 years and he decides to use a social network to socialize. For what?
It bewilders me because I remember MySpace days and how he used that to his advantage. I know his attention to things of that nature are short lived. But when it is in use it's destructive.

Separated. Hm. It made me wonder. And then it made me cry. I'm still going to stay away. Til he decides to make a move. Whatever move that may be.
Do I miss him? Yes.
Do I love him? ...

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I wish I wish

It's all I keep saying with no reason. I want but I don't know why. He's been gone all week and never texted. It's withdrawal at its finest. And then he returns tomorrow. And when he calls to see her. I'll say yes. And she'll be happy. And I'll be happy she's happy. And I'll be sad because I know how little we mean to him.
....fuck him for all this misery.

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Damn it

..I should be sleeping or at least trying to sleep. And I can't. I have to be up in less than 4 hours and I can't. sleep. My eye hurts, my head hurts, my chest hurts. I might have stressed myself out so much today with all the bogus thoughts that I've made myself momentarily ill. Can't afford to get sick now though. Starting Thursday I'll be working none stop for 2 weeks, every day. At least I can guarantee myself next month's rent if anything.
I want to send my daughter to school. I do. But I might have to wait.
And that saddens me.

I'm upset, truthfully, because it's drawing close to the end of the month when I know he'll be moving. Taking his things. Another bump that I'm not ready to face but have to. Like him leaving, like court. And now this. It's like a new wound every time I think I got over the last one.
I keep trying to tell myself "I can do this, I can do this.." and then there's moments, when I don't think I can. I don't feel like I want to.
But that makes no sense because who wants to be miserable ALL the time.
I just...*sigh*...how does he not know...I mean. He KNOWS. He knows I love him ..but..how does he not know how he feels.
It hurts he ...hasn't called nor texted. And not even JUST me but his daughter.
..that he wasn't all that thrilled about going in the first place. But it's like...if you aren't having a good time and you're not calling or texting US, what are you doing to occupy yourself and bide your time?
BUT on the flip side..and I know I'm babbling, god help me, I know, but it's like..no contact? Hey, that's good. It's time for him to...sort things out, think things through. Clear HIS head. His parents aren't around, but I know they're in contact. But there's less pressure. Right?
I don't know...
This is my "I'm ok..I'm not ok, I'm ok, I'm not ok.." debate in my head.
When he's here I'm complete..and when he's gone..I'm ..there's a hole. And now that he's so far away..a part of me is missing. And it's not like he's in a jungle or a desert. He's in fuckin' VEGAS.
Lights, booze, women, gambling...it's like...man-heaven.
..I'm losing my mind..because...well because I'm being impatient for something I might never get and something I have NO control over.

Lonesome

That's how I feel. I'm thinking of him more often now that he's gone. I called him this morning to find out how he was getting to the airport. Apparently his shitty family were all asleep and didn't bother to wake up to take him THIS year. Yes I said this year because every other year that I wanted to take him, his pissant mother took him instead. And the one year she has him in her house, she neglects him. They all did. He got there late, his own fault in my opinion, and missed his flight.

It's just after 9pm there and he should have landed already. Be in his hotel ... But I haven't heard from him. He told me when he boarded. But that was the last time I heard from him.

I won't text. I want to.
I won't call. I want to.
...I miss him dearly though.

I want him back. To come for me. To not move. I hope this trip, being away from his family, not having me contact him, I hope he sees, hope he clears his head, hopes he knows we belong together.
I miss him.
...I miss you.

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