I can't stop thinking about him. The hidden secrets. The lack of presence. As sucky as he is I just can't focus on anything but him. Is he happy? Is he thinking of us? Does he miss me? Will next Monday go completely wrong and will it ruin us indefinitely because he thinks I'm trying to hurt him or take her away? Does he ever wonder about us?
It'll be a significant turning point, next week. Court. He might use that as more reason to stay away. Use it to lure other women in. "she tried to take my daughter away by asking for full custody. " ..playing the victim like he had with that girl. That still burns me. To tell her those half truths. Those lies about me, about being with his daughter when he wasn't.
I have half the mind to text her, tell her just how it is. "you know he lied to you. He sees his ex gf every week. He doesn't want to date anyone until he's sure about them. He was miserable because he never tried. Not because of her. He walked out on them. Yes they broke up but that was because he never committed to being a husband/boyfriend/father. Don't let his lies and half truths fool you.
He's afraid to handle responsibility towards anything. This was his easy way out under the camouflage of 'doing the right thing'.
But that would just get me in trouble. She isn't worth it nor is he possibly.
But why can't I not think about him so often.
Sent from my iPhone
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Sunday, July 29, 2012
I spied
I know it was wrong but I had to know. For the last 3 weeks he's been coming over here he's been extremely affectionate. The first time, yes, it was raw, fresh, and I was hurt. The second time was a week ago, exactly. Last Sunday. He wanted to have dinner. So we got together at the apartment, we ordered in. He took Jaiden to the park. They returned as the food arrived. We sat together. We ate. It was nice.
And as Jaiden nodded off, we sought quiet refuge in the bedroom for a little while. And then the bathroom.
There were no condoms so we couldn't actually do it. But we both found endings regardless.
Just as Jaiden woke up too.
Since then he'd called a few times, was supposed to take Jaiden out Monday but he never showed. Said he was in pain due to extensive dental work.
The week went past. I didn't text. Called only when Jaiden asked to speak to her Daddy.
Saturday night he said he wanted to see us today, Sunday. Said 2.30pm. I said ok. Went to work. Came home. Kept Jaiden awake instead of having her nap. Showered. Readied. 2.30...3.00...3.12 he texts. He's doing his time card. He'll be over in a bit. I didn't reply. 4.00...4.30..I took her outside to play. Did anything I could to keep her awake. Til I couldn't anymore. 5.00 she fell asleep. 15 minutes later, my bell rings. Low and behold. Told him she was asleep.
He stayed. The whole hour went by. He said he would go. I said ok. But he didn't leave. Instead all the insignificant touches throughout the hour led up to more foreplay. Another hour went by. I was still completely dressed but he was almost undone. 7.08 after all the whispered words, the soft kisses ..she awoke.....
And I was relieved.
After I got her while allowing him to dress, he took her outside. But left his phone inside.
This is where I did the wrong deed. I looked. Not at it all. I was looking for just 1. Amazing how I knew which it was.
A girl named Kerry from a store he visits. I didn't read it all and from the look of it he had deleted the previous ones. It started of with her asking what happened to him and his gf. And how was his daughter.
He said we broke up. And he was taking Jaiden to the zoo. A lie. He didn't. She said she was sorry - he said it was ok and that he was miserable for a long while. We were going to court for custody.
Further down, he was at a bar, felt old. Said dating again was going to be difficult. She consoled him. Said girls like single dads. He asked if she had any single friends. Then said he was joking...partially. She said she had more male than female friends. He said he was joking anyways. Scrolled down and he told her they really should get together before she left. I guess she was going somewhere. Then he said 'sweet dreams Hun' ..
I didn't read anything after that.
I was hurt. He's playing the victim card by omitting parts of the truth. Yeah we broke up but you never said we talk almost daily. You never said yeah I slept with her and did stuff after I broke her heart. You never said all the outings you have with Jaiden that you actually show up for, I'm there too. You never told her YOU were why you weren't happy. You never said I did everything I could to make you happy. But after 5 years you didn't want me.
All the things you NEVER SAID.
You never said you didn't want to think about dating til you were sure about us.
I was so sad. So hurt. Because everything you did say to her, was half truths. And I didn't deserve that.
I realize now it'll be a long while before you really see what you lost. Because you're too busy lying about how it happened.
I'm glad it didn't go further today. I'm too weak yet to say no to you.
I still love you and I'm too stupid to realize you're using me.
Sent from my iPhone
And as Jaiden nodded off, we sought quiet refuge in the bedroom for a little while. And then the bathroom.
There were no condoms so we couldn't actually do it. But we both found endings regardless.
Just as Jaiden woke up too.
Since then he'd called a few times, was supposed to take Jaiden out Monday but he never showed. Said he was in pain due to extensive dental work.
The week went past. I didn't text. Called only when Jaiden asked to speak to her Daddy.
Saturday night he said he wanted to see us today, Sunday. Said 2.30pm. I said ok. Went to work. Came home. Kept Jaiden awake instead of having her nap. Showered. Readied. 2.30...3.00...3.12 he texts. He's doing his time card. He'll be over in a bit. I didn't reply. 4.00...4.30..I took her outside to play. Did anything I could to keep her awake. Til I couldn't anymore. 5.00 she fell asleep. 15 minutes later, my bell rings. Low and behold. Told him she was asleep.
He stayed. The whole hour went by. He said he would go. I said ok. But he didn't leave. Instead all the insignificant touches throughout the hour led up to more foreplay. Another hour went by. I was still completely dressed but he was almost undone. 7.08 after all the whispered words, the soft kisses ..she awoke.....
And I was relieved.
After I got her while allowing him to dress, he took her outside. But left his phone inside.
This is where I did the wrong deed. I looked. Not at it all. I was looking for just 1. Amazing how I knew which it was.
A girl named Kerry from a store he visits. I didn't read it all and from the look of it he had deleted the previous ones. It started of with her asking what happened to him and his gf. And how was his daughter.
He said we broke up. And he was taking Jaiden to the zoo. A lie. He didn't. She said she was sorry - he said it was ok and that he was miserable for a long while. We were going to court for custody.
Further down, he was at a bar, felt old. Said dating again was going to be difficult. She consoled him. Said girls like single dads. He asked if she had any single friends. Then said he was joking...partially. She said she had more male than female friends. He said he was joking anyways. Scrolled down and he told her they really should get together before she left. I guess she was going somewhere. Then he said 'sweet dreams Hun' ..
I didn't read anything after that.
I was hurt. He's playing the victim card by omitting parts of the truth. Yeah we broke up but you never said we talk almost daily. You never said yeah I slept with her and did stuff after I broke her heart. You never said all the outings you have with Jaiden that you actually show up for, I'm there too. You never told her YOU were why you weren't happy. You never said I did everything I could to make you happy. But after 5 years you didn't want me.
All the things you NEVER SAID.
You never said you didn't want to think about dating til you were sure about us.
I was so sad. So hurt. Because everything you did say to her, was half truths. And I didn't deserve that.
I realize now it'll be a long while before you really see what you lost. Because you're too busy lying about how it happened.
I'm glad it didn't go further today. I'm too weak yet to say no to you.
I still love you and I'm too stupid to realize you're using me.
Sent from my iPhone
Saturday, July 28, 2012
..not ok
..I've not been feeling like myself for the last day or so. Coming to the realization that this is real and he's gone is hitting me hard.
This is exactly what I wanted.
And it hurts. It hurts thinking I have to leave. REALLY have to leave. To move. REALLY have to move. To watch him move into his own place, FOR REAL. Go through court, REALLY go through it all.
..
I guess I'll start packing.
This is exactly what I wanted.
And it hurts. It hurts thinking I have to leave. REALLY have to leave. To move. REALLY have to move. To watch him move into his own place, FOR REAL. Go through court, REALLY go through it all.
..
I guess I'll start packing.
Friday, July 27, 2012
I think I love you
That was a conversation I had with myself today.
Do you love me?
Ultimately my answer is going to be and always have been -yes.
Why?
.....
What do you love about me?
Your smile, your humor. Your willingness to help others.
But if asked why do I love him I don't have an answer.
He doesn't comfort me.
Console me.
Dream with me.
Plan with me.
Take care of me.
If asked to think. Who would take care of you best if you were to suddenly age drastically. Or become deathly I'll. Who would take care of you best?
I know I can do all that for him. But I also know he cannot do that for me. I could not trust him to take care of things. Take care of me.
And identifying that truth sucks entirely.
I'm wanting and aching so much for someone who can do next to nothing for me or my well being.
I miss and love someone so much ...someone who needs to question or perhaps knows he doesn't love me and can't figure out if he really misses me or is just lonely.
Someone who is happy with me now but is probably happy because he gets to leave at the end. He gets to go ..anywhere but here.
I don't know. I could be wrong.
I still love his voice. Hearing him makes me smile. Majority of the time that he calls, he keeps me on the phone for 30..40 minutes. Or longer. We rarely have a short conversation on the phone.
So maybe he does miss me?
But then there are the days I don't hear from him. At all. Granted they are few. He texts or calls almost every day. He reaches out in some form.
Maybe I should see that. He. Reaches. Out. He might not be saying the things I want him to say right now but he's reaching.
Maybe I should be happy with that as yet. 6 weeks ... Feels like forever ..
Sent from my iPhone
Do you love me?
Ultimately my answer is going to be and always have been -yes.
Why?
.....
What do you love about me?
Your smile, your humor. Your willingness to help others.
But if asked why do I love him I don't have an answer.
He doesn't comfort me.
Console me.
Dream with me.
Plan with me.
Take care of me.
If asked to think. Who would take care of you best if you were to suddenly age drastically. Or become deathly I'll. Who would take care of you best?
I know I can do all that for him. But I also know he cannot do that for me. I could not trust him to take care of things. Take care of me.
And identifying that truth sucks entirely.
I'm wanting and aching so much for someone who can do next to nothing for me or my well being.
I miss and love someone so much ...someone who needs to question or perhaps knows he doesn't love me and can't figure out if he really misses me or is just lonely.
Someone who is happy with me now but is probably happy because he gets to leave at the end. He gets to go ..anywhere but here.
I don't know. I could be wrong.
I still love his voice. Hearing him makes me smile. Majority of the time that he calls, he keeps me on the phone for 30..40 minutes. Or longer. We rarely have a short conversation on the phone.
So maybe he does miss me?
But then there are the days I don't hear from him. At all. Granted they are few. He texts or calls almost every day. He reaches out in some form.
Maybe I should see that. He. Reaches. Out. He might not be saying the things I want him to say right now but he's reaching.
Maybe I should be happy with that as yet. 6 weeks ... Feels like forever ..
Sent from my iPhone
If this posts 3 times I'll freak
It's in my head. Over and over. Everything he's said. His letter. His actions. The fact that he thinks I'm the one who wants him.
I find it funny that when he calls me he manages to keep me on the phone for ...longer than usual. Maybe it is better he doesn't want to share his heart with me. Share his life with me. (like hell it's better)
I don't want to be his friend. I don't want to be just...his friend. Or just the mother of his first born. But I know I can't make him love me. I can't make him be everything I want. I can't make him appear at my door saying all the right words.
I can't make him do anything.
Maybe I don't want to. I want the court date to come so I can see what I'm dealing with. I know he's involving his mother and perhaps outside sources. It's just a feeling.
I just ...he's got a kind heart.
He's not a mean spirited person.
But maybe my heart is obsessed with him, wanting, having and keeping him. Not doing that means defeat. Failure. I've never not pursued something and not had it. Pride. I know that train of thought is pride.
I've been good in no longer telling him I love him. I believe he knows that.
If he loves me back, he'll find a way to tell me
Sent from my iPhone
I find it funny that when he calls me he manages to keep me on the phone for ...longer than usual. Maybe it is better he doesn't want to share his heart with me. Share his life with me. (like hell it's better)
I don't want to be his friend. I don't want to be just...his friend. Or just the mother of his first born. But I know I can't make him love me. I can't make him be everything I want. I can't make him appear at my door saying all the right words.
I can't make him do anything.
Maybe I don't want to. I want the court date to come so I can see what I'm dealing with. I know he's involving his mother and perhaps outside sources. It's just a feeling.
I just ...he's got a kind heart.
He's not a mean spirited person.
But maybe my heart is obsessed with him, wanting, having and keeping him. Not doing that means defeat. Failure. I've never not pursued something and not had it. Pride. I know that train of thought is pride.
I've been good in no longer telling him I love him. I believe he knows that.
If he loves me back, he'll find a way to tell me
Sent from my iPhone
Rambles
It's in my head. Over and over. Everything he's said. His letter. His actions. The fact that he thinks I'm the one who wants him.
I find it funny that when he calls me he manages to keep me on the phone for ...longer than usual. Maybe it is better he doesn't want to share his heart with me. Share his life with me. (like hell it's better)
I don't want to be his friend. I don't want to be just...his friend. Or just the mother of his first born. But I know I can't make him love me. I can't make him be everything I want. I can't make him appear at my door saying all the right words.
I can't make him do anything.
Maybe I don't want to. I want the court date to come so I can see what I'm dealing with. I know he's involving his mother and perhaps outside sources. It's just a feeling.
I just ...he's got a kind heart.
He's not a mean spirited person.
But maybe my heart is obsessed with him, wanting, having and keeping him. Not doing that means defeat. Failure. I've never not pursued something and not had it. Pride. I know that train of thought is pride.
I've been good in no longer telling him I love him. I believe he knows that.
If he loves me back, he'll tell me.
Sent from my iPhone
I find it funny that when he calls me he manages to keep me on the phone for ...longer than usual. Maybe it is better he doesn't want to share his heart with me. Share his life with me. (like hell it's better)
I don't want to be his friend. I don't want to be just...his friend. Or just the mother of his first born. But I know I can't make him love me. I can't make him be everything I want. I can't make him appear at my door saying all the right words.
I can't make him do anything.
Maybe I don't want to. I want the court date to come so I can see what I'm dealing with. I know he's involving his mother and perhaps outside sources. It's just a feeling.
I just ...he's got a kind heart.
He's not a mean spirited person.
But maybe my heart is obsessed with him, wanting, having and keeping him. Not doing that means defeat. Failure. I've never not pursued something and not had it. Pride. I know that train of thought is pride.
I've been good in no longer telling him I love him. I believe he knows that.
If he loves me back, he'll tell me.
Sent from my iPhone
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