Am rambles from a lovestuck pup. (not lovestruck)

It's after 5am, and I find myself ..staring a lot. I've conditioned myself to get into bed by 9.30pm on the nights I have to work at 4am the next morning. And when I sit and think about it, it's like, "What kind of life is this?" I work so much to be with my daughter that I'm never WITH my daughter. I haven't spent the night with her since last Friday. Saturday she was with her father, Sunday-today she's been with my parents. I go to see her every day ..regardless of how tired I am or how I feel.
And she misses me, and I miss her.
But I can't take her back with me because of the early hour schedule the next morning.
And then when I work in the morning, I go home, and I try to sleep. So that I can go BACK to work at night. Sometimes she's with me. And if I have to work the following morning, she goes right back to my parents after work ...
It's a routine I've come to detest but appreciate simply because no one else would do that for me. Schedule their work around mine.
I make no kind of money. But I work all the time.
I thank God so much for the extra effort my family gives to my daughter and I.
I thank God for the extra hours I get during the week. Because I need it to make ends meet. I don't even live paycheck to paycheck because it's not enough. I've calculated my bills, rent, I didn't even count food or gas. It's not enough.
So with every phone call asking me to work, I say yes and I say thank you. Because that small amount of time will give me an extra 10$-20$ on an insufficient paycheck. I now walk around with a writing pad and a pen or pencil. I write almost every day while I'm sitting here with nothing but my thoughts on my mind ..my voice screaming in my head.
I ask God for strength, patience, and guidance.
I admit, I ask him to bring me Chris more than I can bear to say...
But I try to leave that as a "..if you can swing it"..

I'd love to come into some money. Maybe fix my credit a little. It's not bad, I don't have oodles of debt...but perhaps because of my not working for the two and a half years after I had Jaiden affected it. My bills were almost always paid on time. The few that weren't was because of Chris. Maybe if I last til March, I can move and look into renting a house with 2 bedrooms. A lot of the postings I view, have no utilties included. Which sucks. Paying for heat and water is new to me. I don't want to. I don't mind paying for lights, cable/internet. Don't need a phone. I've been looking for ways to cut costs at every angle without it breaking me in the end.

My parents, since I paid their IRS this past April, have been paying me back weekly from their paycheck. Mainly my dad. So I've been able to set aside that money incase I have to use it to pay the rent one month. I need a new plan of action once my lease is up. But I'll get that after winter. If I can make it through winter, I'll be alright. Winter at 4am...frightening. Digging myself out of snow, or having to wake up 30 minutes sooner to defrost my car. All the layers. It's discouraging when you think about it. And the days that my daughter can't stay over night with them? 10xs worse on us both. Bundling her up in that weather. ..
I can't think about that now.
But as long as I can do it, I'll do it. I pray for the strength to do it. And it's only September.
-__-......I'll fall apart.

Almost 6am. 3 more hours before I can go home and pack some stuff for my daughter so I can take her to work with me tonight. And finally have a night with her. That is unless they ask me to work in the morning.

It's a complaint in itself. Want money, get work, can't see kid.

Last night, around 10.30pm, Chris' friend Billy, called me to see how I was. Since the break up he's managed to check ip on me maybe once every week if it's via text or phone call. Last night we talked for about 15 minutes before his phone died. He was at work. I was tired but grateful for his reaching out to me. I was just falling asleep when he called me back around 11.30pm. We talked for another 25 minutes or so before he said he'd let me get some sleep.

I just notices that it's bad that I can no longer get out any poetry ...
Not even a stanza or two. It doesn't cross my mind much at all.
Maybe my brain figures it's got enough thoughts and I write it all out that it doesn't need the poetry amidst the mess. Maybe my heart just has nothing to say because I've said most if not all of it.
I'd resorted to deleting Chris' name from my phone as well. Most of the pictures were removed but not deleted. Just taken off the phone.
Still the same ringtone and text tone to know if it's him.

It came to my attention too that he left some of his clothes at my apartment, not that it's bothering me. But it's there. And in the closet. He took a lot of his anime DVDs and work DVDs. I assume as the weather changes, he'll be back for the clothes. The coats and stuff. Unless mommy dearest buys him all new ones.

I can't get his face out of my head. It's like everything he does, or anything anyone does, reminds me of him. It's like mourning a person who's died. It all hurts. Not exactly replacing but moving forward.
And the painful part of it all is that he seems so unaffected.

I've said it a million times before and I'll probably say it a million times more, but I feel he does love me. He's just afraid. Afraid of what his mother and sister will thing, afraid of commiting to one person. Actually buckling down and deciding on life, on a future rather than winging it daily, all willy nilly. He's afraid to grow up and take charge because then he has to take responsibility.
He didn't want a child yet. I didn't want children, period. But here she is, 3 years later.
Life changes and things happen.
It's how you deal with it at the end of the day that matters.
Why live for someone who's already lived their life? I don't live for my parents. I live for my kid. For Chris. For me. For us. Or I should say 'lived'.

I live for my self, daughter and my love.
I wish he would do the same.

Dear God - thank you for giving me the strength to work another day to try to survive. To give my daughter all she deserves, and more. To hope she doesn't learn that this is how a man treats a woman. And to learn that she can be strong ..if not stronger than I.

I hope, I pray that NO man does to her what her father has to me. Because it's not fair. I hope she is stronger than I to prevail a whole lot better than me. Because I'm stuck. I'm really stuck on one person's unfair idea of love. And family.

I hope that one day you see that we aren't just living to survive but living to enjoy. Til then, I pray for me, my family, my daughter, and I pray that Chris' eyes open to the love he has in me. And chooses to come back for us. And chooses to work 10xs harder to keep us.

What am I gonna do...

..it's been 3 months give or take a day or two and he's now moved, his own place and trying to find his financial balance. It's always a hindrance. Finances, and he's got such small attentions for it.
He's got poor spending skills. Poor money management skills.

He invited me to see his place on Sunday and I went, mainly to pick my kid up. But he asked me to stay a while. Have dinner with him. I should have said no. But I didn't. I stayed, I enjoyed his company, his embrace, his kisses. *sigh*..this is why I can't let go. I fall into him every time because my heart only wants him. We just held each other, talked a little.
He said he was happy to be in his own place. He enjoyed that it was 'his'. He was happy to not be in his parents' house anymore. So he wouldn't have to listen to them and their comments about me. About being with me.
He was lonely. He missed me.
But he still didn't know if he wanted to spend his life with me.
Do I make him happy? Yes.
Is he happy with me? Yes.

Then what gives?
He also gave me a key to his apartment.
I've never dated much. I had a total of two loves in my life. And kissed just the same amount outside of those long term relationships. I don't understand why he would give me a key. Is it something I'm missing or not seeing?
A friend suggested that this is his way of re-trying the dating thing with me. Inviting me over for dinner. "Hey come over to my place"...almost like a sense of closure on his part ..on that part of his life. Living on his own for the very first time. Doing things by himself. And then he would come back.
I said that some people go from their mother's homes to their wives. Or fiance's But that's because they know they want to share their lives with that person.

We talked..I didn't dawdle on any of his answers, and was only grateful that he talked a bit.
He hates my brother.
Hates that his family never came over.
Hates that someone was always over. Meaning my family. But that was to see Jaiden. Perhaps it was too much for him
He hated the apartment. But that was on him. He never wanted to leave. He didn't want a bigger place. He wouldn't even make a move when I suggested a bigger place. Even to look.
But I moved the conversation along so he wouldn't feel the pressure of just one subject.
He said he wished I went out more. I said he complained about money so I didn't and the fact that he didn't spend any time with me was a big factor.
He said I was upset when he went out. I pointed out that the person he chose to go out with brought him back late, drunk and broke. And it took him years to even see that. They lied about going to strip clubs, drove around drunk off their asses, neither could drive well enough. And his friend had HIM spend his money. Never the other way around.

But I didn't linger on the subject of the conversation of his friends.
He said he still wanted to be married, kids, etc. I said when people say they want those things, they work towards it. I then asked him what were his priorities. He said "aside from trying to figure out how to pay everything, nothing."
I was shocked. He couldn't even say his daughter.
That's why he never showed up Thursday to see her like he said he would. And that's why he didn't call til almost 9pm Friday night to get her when he said it would be sooner. And that's why instead of 10amSaturday like he said he would, he didn't show up til almost 1.30pm because he said he overslept.
He doesn't have his priorities in order at all except to pay for things. And that's no kind of priority.

I'd been doing well with not calling him for a few weeks, or texting much or even first. He said I was pushing him away and removing myself. I said that it was what he asked for. Space. Time. So I stepped away. It's not like I ignored him completely. He said he reaches out to me, comes to me. I'm the only one he hugs the way he does. But he said "You'll always be in my life." and he doesn't get I don't want that role ..I don't want to be JUST the mother of his child. I want more. I know it and he does.
So here I was thinking I did what he asked, and I was wrong again.
I really wanted to say "Why would I call...what would I say? Except that I love you, I miss you and I want to be with you. We don't have anything else left!!"..but again. NO pressure.
I don't want to be his friend. I don't want to be the ex, the mother of your child that you're on 'great terms with'. That's why I won't call..or text and be all friendly.

I don't want to be around at all if he's dating or being with other women. Which he says he doesn't want to. He said it's a 'complication he can do without'.

Yesterday I called to see if he was able to sleep, he was tired while we were there but refused to let me leave early. ..and I liked that. I liked being wanted. Needed. "No, stay with me, sleep with me, I don't want you to go."...those words felt right.
He said he was about to go into a conference call and would call me back after - and he did. He said he wanted my opinion about a coffee maker or tea-kettle. I said he should go based on his preference. On what he would use. He was leaning towards coffee-maker and I said ok. But he said "But what if you come over, I can make you tea." ....

I told him that he doesn't make tea for himself. And as great as the coffee maker sounded, he'd never use it. - And he wouldn't set the timer on the coffee maker, as appealing as he thought it was.
Then I told him that depending on the type, he'd have to get ground coffee, and filters and it would require maintenance - which he's far too lazy for.
And also he didn't have the money to spend. Then he realized, he didn't have a travel cup either.
So I said "Go with the kettle, two birds, one stone. You have instant coffee and you can make tea if you want. AND you can afford your cup too."
He said I was right.

But it's things like that - those words, those ..misleading thoughts that confuse me.
He includes me a little in his thoughts. Small ones.
Not big ones, not important ones.

We got off the phone and then I realized I hadn't said why I called. So I just texted it. "I initially called to hear your voice and tell you I love you." and put my phone on vibrate so I wouldn't be waiting on a response. But he did. He said "Yay." ..it made him "a little happy." <-- his words.

I prayed for Chris years ago. For him to be in my life and he was given.
And then taken away. And years later, returned. There has to be a greater reason why. And not just him, but a child by him.
I loved him so much.
I still love him so much and all I want is to have him back. With us in a greater, stronger and more reliable bond.
Not because I want it, but because we want it.
Give him the strength to want to work on us.
To want him to provide for his family.
To want to plan Sunday barbeque's instead of weekend bar binges.
To want to sleep in and have breakfast in bed instead of nursing a hangover.
To want to plan a movie night instead of losing yourself in a game for hours on the PC.
I want a life. I want a family. I want soccer practice and cheer leading ..stuff.
I don't want it perfect.
But I want it real, I want it fun.
I want Thursday night rum and cokes outside while idly talking about our next vacation.
Or planning another baby.
Planning our next move. Car purchase. A new hobby. A new trip.
I want other women to catch a glimpse of him and then me at his side ...just so I can smile with my eyes and say "Yeah...He's mine.." and I want him to feel the same about me.

I pray for him to ...want to share those things with me.
Please, let me be worth the risk to him, the fight to him...
.."I'm so in love with you."

..more..

Last night he came to take the rest of his things to finalize his move into his own place. It was weird at first. His embrace, his kiss on my head. I couldn't look him in the eye just yet. It hurts. I'd cry. I let him spend time with Jaiden and then, he said he wanted me to see the place. He said he didn't know if that was weird to ask.
I smiled. I'm so weak.
I said I would if he wanted me to. I jokingly said I should have keys to his place. He said "Well, I have yours, so it's only fair. " and he took the keys out. But he didn't know which were which so he said he'd have them for me when I came over.
This will be his first weekend with her Every other weekend routine will start.
He said he likes where he is. It's new, it's spacious. Central air. I reminded him that the space comes from there being 1vs3 people living there.
I think he likes the freedom of it all. But I said nothing.
He said "I bought beer."
I said.."You don't drink beer."
.."Yeah I bought it for you incase you came over."...

I'm scared. But I don't know if I'm more scared of letting go or ..watching him be happy and move on. Or it's none of the above.
Every other weekend he'll pick her up Friday and drop her off for me on Sunday. I'd prefer it that way so I don't have to go there. I don't feel like I belong there. Maybe that's how he felt at first. But this is his journey. He has to decide on wanting the family he had or wanting the every other weekend deal.
I have to adjust my thought process.
But for yesterday, last night that is, I was glad. and I thanked God..
He still has a loving touch. When he reached for my hand. Kissed my cheek. He made me unbalanced but for a moment..he smiled and said " I make you weak in the knees.."...

I woke up today with only the thought that I love him still. I love him so.

In an uncertain state of mind.

My stomach is in knots. I re-arranged the bedroom last night, and bagged half of his clothes that was left behind. Today after my early morning shift, I came home and stated boxing the stuff off his desk. It's killing me, accepting the end. After I cleared his desk, my daughter walks in and said "Mommy, you need to put daddy's Optimus back on the desk. Because it's his..for when he comes home."...and now I'm in tears. I said "but daddy's not here, baby.." she said "..he'll come back..". and I said I would.
I kept asking for guidance, strength, to show him his way back if he's meant to be with us.
..but I don't think he will.

Brain locked

I'm trying so hard to not think. Not question. Just let it be. My spurts of depressing are disheartening. I'm better than this. He doesn't care. Why should I, at all?
I found my old jourNal tonight. I sat and read the random entries. I'd written a letter to Jaiden too. Telling her she makes me happy. Telling her she would always have me. The same agony I had then, his absence, his fear. His not caring. Here it is again.
I found 1 entry of me begging myself to be good enough for him, for his love.
I've been vying for his love... For years. And I still don't have it. It's time I let go. Let go of someone who doesn't want me and will never. Someone I never had. Despite his letter, his "I want space to choose you. I need to know where I belong"...

Fact is, it was never me.
Surrendering is hard now.

Sent from my iPhone

Dear ..someone

...anyone out there. Maybe I mean you, God. Maybe I mean me. Maybe I mean both of us. I'm sad. I'm not sad because I have no money. I'm not sad about anything except that I'm sad. All my life, I played by the rules. I never lie. I never cheat. I don't steal. I give. Overly so. I give til I have nothing else to give.
I'm sad I always played fair. And one of the few things I wanted in life, I couldn't have.
I wanted my car. I have it.
Wanted my own place. Have it.
Wanted a job. My child. Have it.
Wanted his love. I don't have it.
And everything that goes with having his love.

I know it's not me. I'm not the reason he's gone. I know he needs space. I know it takes time.
But the more time that goes by, the less I reach, the less I do and say, he drifts further and further away.
No phone calls. No texts. Well none of concern or longing ...
But now he has his own place. His own apartment.
I started taking his pictures down. I removed him from my phone. But I haven't stopped crying every single day.
I'm a hermit. I go out to work and lay in bed 80% of the time that I'm home. I'm a withdrawn mother. And I hate myself.
I go to work at 430am and come back tired and cranky. And I go back at 3-9 give or take a 30 minutes here or there.
Why ...
Half the time I'm alone I wish I was dead. I wish Jaiden and I weren't here. I wish we'd lay in bed, close our eyes and not wake up. And that's selfish. Because no mother should feel that way. But he doesn't deserve her.

Dear god. I'm losing myself. The harder i try the worse it gets. All my efforts are for naught. Please help me. Somehow ... I can't keep going in like this. I cry all the time. I hate this life. I hate this pain. I hate the person I am. My daughter deserves so much more. I don't even care about me anymore. I just....

Why...did you bring hi back just totals him away again? I don't understand. If he's not for me, why'd he come back a second time. I let go the first time. And even that break up didn't hurt.

And him!! 5 years later and he's still in love with me.
He wants me back. He said if he leaves his girlfriend now, due to their own issues, he'd like to know he has a friend in me. But if there were feelings, we'd be ring shopping. Giving Jaiden another sibling.
But.....I don't want him. I don't love him or want marriage or kids with him. He loves Jaiden so much.
I told him I don't want to waste my years on no decision. I need someone who can lead. Take charge. Amongst other things. He said he didn't want to live with anyone til he was married. Til it had a label. He didn't mind being label-less. I said I needed the label. I spent 5 years in limbo with no label. He was quick to say "with you it's friends or we are ring shopping".
I admire his inadvertent trying.
But it'll never happen. I'll stay alone. He's so sweet. But. No.

I just wish I understood why I got 2 chances with Chris. He was all I wanted. And I was ok losing him once. I was ok being his friend. Watching him with other girls. Why give me his love, his child, to just....watch it go and have my heart shatter.

To say

I'm dying to tell you I love you. To text you and tell you you should be here instead. Even ask if you moved. Signed your lease. But I don't want to pry. I figure if you had you would have told me? You texted me this morning to say you think your cat died. I said I was sorry and that was that.
Tonight you told me I could keep the tv and stand. It was up to me when and if I wanted to return it. It made me think your mom bought you a new one for your new place.
And that made me sad.
They're going to give you everything we didn't have. Everything we struggled for. Everything I wanted and you didn't bother to try to get.
I wish you'd be honest with me.
I wish you'd love me.
I wish you were here.


Sent from my iPhone