Faux family

And it's just what they are. The faux in laws as I like to call them. They aren't really my in-laws because Chris and I aren't married. But for the length if time that we've been together, live together, have a daughter, all the family affairs and outings. It seems fitting, I suppose.
But there's always been conflict with them at some point. I'll start slow.

Faux mom.
She and I always coexisted. I dated her first born boy, half I'd her twins.
She did everything for him. Meals. Laundry. Clean room. Woke him for work. Smokes. Booze. Money. Reminder on bills. Lender of car. Co-conspirator. His go to for whatever.
If she needed something done ... Well she would have to lay the guilt on pretty thick or do it herself. But she is the reason why he is the way he is with the habits he has. Late. Lazy. Avid smoker and drinker.
My qualm?
she thinks I'm not good enough for him. I'm good to him. Maybe too good. But that's it. Before I was pregnant she wanted me to convince him to move in with me; but with her waiting on him hand and foot I couldn't. While I was pregnant she didn't help me in any way when he acted like a fool. She took his side in every matter. I'm sure they knew he was seeing someone else while I was pregnant. After I had Jaiden she would swindle her way with Chris after I expressed my views about things dealing with my child. One instance was when Jaiden was born she had, and still has, eczema. After 4 month marker it got worse. I switched pediatricians (who were recommended by his sister) and I saw a specialist. A dermatologist and an allergist. A baby on medicine and steroids. Yeah I did that. After a few months his mother made him take jaiden back to the first doctor who prescribed everything she had already been on. I told her o had fine everything could for her. It was just a matter if dealing with it in a day to day basis. My second opinion in doctors was my choice due to comfort. With her doing that, they didn't read her file right and put my infant back on the same medicine she was in four months previously.
Another factor would be her wanting to do a birthday party for Jaiden's first. We were in Florida the day of so it would be when we returned. Now anyone who knows me knows I would never ever imposition myself in someone's home. So for her to even fathom that I would 1. Make plans without discussing it with her first, is completely outrageous. 2. invite people to her house when I myself am uncomfortable there and NOT tell her, is just fucking retarded. And 3. While in Florida, she was drunk out of her mind so even if we did talk about it (which we didn't), she wouldn't have remembered. So in order for me to do any or all of those things, I'd need some sort of "Ok" from her, right? Right. So 3 days before the party, she calls me up and, no lie, yells at me on the phone like I'm some teenager who got caught coming in past my curfew. I just put the phone down and I could still hear EVERY WORD she said. So she yelled. All I said, thereafter, was "Ok, thanks" -click-
Another instance would be the first time my family was 'invited' to their house on the 4th of July 2 years ago. Chris, Jaiden and myself were there with his relatives and what not, my brother texted to ask where we were, what were we doing. The plan initially was to visit Chris'  parents then go to a town over to my cousin's to see the fireworks and a BBQ. Plan fail. We stayed there, which I was cool with. Was even my suggestion. Chris likes being with his family. So, he suggested my brother stop over. I asked if he was sure that was OK. He assured me it was. With him, was his now live in girlfriend. His mother took immediate offense to that. It was all over her face. Chris' father asked if they'd like some food, he'd throw some steaks on the grill, some hot dogs, some burgers, whatever. My brother said "Sure"..she was PISSED.
A couple hours later, my parents were just getting out of work, they called me to see how things were.I left them know the change in plans and we were still local and my brother was with us. Chris' father suggested they come by. After watching her face melt off the first time, I begged Chris to make sure it was OK. With the answer given, my parents did indeed show up.
Now these were the day when I could still drink. And not just beer but we'd do scotch shots and chase with beer. So I was a few in and with another liquor store run close. Everyone was a bit tipsy by that hour. My parents arrived, and once again, knowing they'd just gotten out of work, his dad offered dinner, which they obliged. Of course, they were hungry. And her face...his mother's face ...was as if my parents weren't good enough to eat her food. it was in utter disbelief that his father could offer such a thing. Offer food? To cook? My mother saw the look on her face...her hunger vanished.
My dad finished most of his with my help as did my brother. I love a good steak. :D
The hours were still falling by, and the drinks kept pouring. I had lightened up because I was made aware of what was going on. His mother was neck deep in whatever she was drinking. it was drawing close after 1am, she's hammered, and the talk had transgressed so wickedly, from everything to money, to lack of money, to class, to... and then she started dropping less than subtle hints of the time. I heard it not once, but twice in a matter of minutes, mind you.My momentary inebriated came to a crashing halt and I was immediately sober. Every few moments she kept reminding everyone of the time, namely my parents. In all her drunken stupor, she made her guests feel, uninvited and unwelcome thereafter and then not good enough to be in her presence. My parents never wanted to be around them again.

Faux Dad
He's always treaded lightly to my face, at least. Then again, men are less judgemental outwardly. He's always been at arms length, very pleasant and friendly.
My qualm?
the first time they met my parents after I got pregnant. My parents are old school, especially my dad. I guess they expected something like this to happen and Chris to be the bigger man and marry me. I don't know. We were at Chris' twin sister's home. His father was drunk. And I was not in the room at the moment. But as I meandered my way back in I overheard "So...my son got your daughter pregnant, ...what do you want me to do? There's nothing I can do."
After 3 months of Chris and I dating, our first Christmas was again, spent at his sister's house. His father and I were outside sharing a cigarette, which I only smoke when I'm completely and utterly trashed. But he said to me "I consider you my daughter already. You're a part of the family. I just have one request. Give me a grandson." I will never forget those words.
He and I have no altercations nor disagreements. I used to call him 'Dad' but I think that made Chris' mom uncomfortable. So I stopped.

Faux brother-in-law
Sean is 21. Again, no qualms. Just that he was rude to my mother once. I didn't like it. I lost a little bit of respect for him. He's young and has no direction yet.

Faux sister-in-law & her husband

Nikki and her cop husband Don. She's a teacher. Mother of 2 sheltered spoiled daughters, 7 and 9 I believe. I've gone to her for advice on many things, but she's crossed the line with me a few times, not as much as her mother. And she has a way of getting into Chris' head, not in a good way, which in turn makes him dislike her more. She's also set in her ways and will mooch off her parents as much as possible.
My qualm?
1. She told Chris that she didn't want me to be a part of the family. No idea WHY she would say that. She's two faced. which could go for her mother as well, but she's a young and more vicious version. Mom's more...passive about it. She uses her children as leverage for getting what she wants be it for herself or her family. She's done it before, I've been witness to it. Again - their mother is a big part of all their bad habits. She'll say something to my face and then tell Chris something completely different.I am very happy Chris sees through her at times and rarely falls for her traps. His mom, not so easy. He's a sucker for his mother, as is any man. Don's a subtle man. But he's got that quiet arrogance about him. I have yet to decipher how I feel about him. My only run in with him aside from the fact he talks about the family behind their back to EVERYONE is that he thinks I'm pretty stupid. I've got him on my clock and his time's slowly ticking away. :D

Faux sister-in-law inadvertently.  Becky, Sean's long time, possibly only girlfriend.
She also just turned 21 and sided with Nikki often, especially when it comes to  things dealing my my daughter. She's a lone child to a pair of dotting parents. She's got fibro myalgia (or so she says) and she's allergic to everything dairy. Again, she talks about everyone behind their back and sides with whoever has the most power in the conversation at that point in time.
 I can't say if I see myself becoming a part of this family. I can say I see Becky becoming part of before I am. She's there more often, she's always around their parents and she's involved in everything from parties, to dinners and every trip they take.

Conclusion?
The fact that they drive past our place every day twice a day and either says they'll stop by and don't or don't at all, as if we live states away or they need an invitation is enough to make me just stop asking/letting them know they're welcome.
I don't mind being the outsider. But don't treat my kid the same way and then act like I keep her away. when I had a car BEFORE I knew she was allergic to cats, I was there with her every chance I got to fit their schedule. Now that I know her allergies, and one home has like, 15 cats and the other recently got one, why should I subject myself and my child to that discomfort.

I'm tired of adjusting my life to accomodate everyone else. Our place is small but it's clean. It's homey and those who know my open door policy take advantage of it. Those who choose not to? Your loss!

Under pressure

It's been a few days at least. This feeling won't subside at all. As if I'm under heavy duress ... A weight just lodged so confidently on my chest. That feeling as if there a need to cry. It's big. But you can't get it out. There's no tears. Just... Pressure ... Suffocating.
I don't know what it is but it's only when I lay in bed. Awake. Maybe it's why I don't sleep ..
I can't swim but I always see myself stepping off the ledge of a bridge when I lie here. I feel my life just slipping away. Leaning out from my seams..and then I look over. I tell her every day how much I'll always love her ever if I'm not here..
Tears. I feel them ...and all I can do in this moment is close my eyes and turn into my palm and will them away as the pain in my chest grows.
Always so. Sad. Always pretending lately.
Somethings wrong and I'm not ok... Not anymore.

Sent from my iPhone

Lost

Lost in thought
Always so far
Never where you want to be
But never where you are
Lost in dreams
So unclear
Not enough to talk about
Not enough to share
Lost in hope
That's running thin
So vacant and lonely
Lost within
Lost alone
It's best this way
To be lost for good
Completely lost one day.
Sent from my iPhone

A new day, the same life.

It was a more pleasant way of saying "Same shit, different say" I suppose. I figure, why reflect all that negativity on something that could be positive.

I ask for a lot, of myself.
Be kind.
Be patient.
Be forgiving.
Be faithful.
Be honest.
Be open.
Be funny. Smart. Pretty.

But I ask myself not because it's something I have to do but it's because its something that I should do, for me. To remind ME that I'm all those things great. Good. Fine. Ok.

I think I made him realize that if I'm not ok, then I can't be the one thing I'm home to do: Be a good mom. I can't be a good mom if nothing's right for me. If I'm not happy. My daughter will have a challenging life when it comes to relying on me, the one who's ALWAYS with her but who's always a mess when she's around me. When I'm around her. How can she come to me, ask my advice, my input on anything when I'm a mess? She can't.

Mommy the basket case? No
I let him know his train of thought in thinking "Hey if I leave and she calls someone else 'Dad' - what do I do then?" is wrong. Because our fights has nothing to do with Jaiden. It's US. If you become a part time dad that's on you.
She'll never be the first or last.
You'll always be the sperm do--I mean, father. But being a Dad is completely different.

Men seem to think they need to always turn heads. Why can't they be satisfied by the knowledge that they'll always have their number one fan in the woman at their side? She'll always think he's smart, handsome and sweet. He's still insensitive. He's still stupid and he's still hurtful.
But now he knows, I'll be FINE without him. WE will be fine, without him. If he continues to be useless and unaffectionate and absent, and all the same bullshit he was pulling before, then yeah. Then again, his ass isn't traveling anytime soon either. What a twist!

I guess I'm a bit confused by what happened and what is happening.

Wait. Huh?

Well not so much me but my thoughts have seem to be lost in translation lately. So much had happened since my last update. Some good. Some unclarified.
And now it's 4.47am and I know I'll miss the opportunity to write down key points. Or state things properly.


Sent from my iPhone

What a week..

Since my last rendezvous lots have unfolded. Good and bad. So I will save the bulk of my ranting for when I'm on the pc. I can type More. Faster. The words are moving too swiftly to tap it all out in here unless completely necessary. On a short note, I haven't spoken to Jason in a few days yet the last time I did, I was main occupant of his mind and he'd missed me. Hoped to catch up soon. It has yet to come. I did tell him that his wife has been marking her territory as far as his Facebook goes. The last time we talked he says she snoops on his messages. Inquired about me ...
"Are you sleeping with that girl Mindy? "
"No, we are just friends. Why?"
"Oh, well she lives in Sayreville and you're always talking to her. I don't blame you if you were."

My jaw hit the keyboard with a painful clatter. I had told him before that women know. They can sense others close in their territory when it comes to their men. He said it himself. If we ever met, his eyes would devour me.

It felt good and bad. The want. The forbidden ...
I hate that he's so lonely. I dislike that his wife is nasty and rude to him. But I only know one side of the story. I only will every know one side. I'm HIS friend and would never become a mutual friend with someone who sees me as a personal threat to her marriage.

I wish there was more I could do for him, say to him. But I'd rather be safe than sorry. This past week has been less than frequent seeing him but when I had, we had some shared ranting. He doesn't understand what makes Chris do what he does. Makes two of us, honestly.
We're equally drawn by the 20% we don't get in our relationships .. But is either of us getting the other 80%?

I don't know.
I don't want to find out like that.

Sent from my iPhone

A crisis of the soul

I had a rough week. But the night I titled this empty page, I was imagining life changing. And I thought of what would come. The good. The bad. The drastic step back in order to move forward. I was petrified. What if he was gone? What would I do?

I'd been here before. Thing was, I didn't think to ask myself THAT question at all. I had a place to run to. Home. My mom. My dad. Chris. I wasn't with a child in tow but I didn't have a job then either. Not yet. The checks from unemployment were salvation enough to make that aspect less of a worry. I had enough in my account and savings to last for a bit. I didn't ask.."What if he's not here. "

I just made the decision, and went with it. All my belonging either destroyed because they could be replaced or I had no place to put it. I didn't even worry after I had packed up and gone, and the days that went by and he called, or texted, or wanted to see me, or work things out. I just KNEW somewhere in me, I would be OK.

Now? Part of me was breaking down and I was losing myself in the "what if"s of it all.
What was I going to do with everything I had?
Where would I go and not feel like a ...burden?
Would things get worse when I leave?
Do they get better?
How soon?

I was going stir crazy in my head. BUT ...just for a moment.
After all the panic, after all the crying, and yes there was a lot of crying, after all the questions, upon questions, ...
I felt relief.
I wasn't afraid...well, not as much ..

I'd be home.
I'd have my daughter.
My child will be safe and taken care of.
Loved and with ME, above all else. WITH. ME.

I was upset I'd have to start my life over, and I was upset I'd be without the one person I loved with all my heart. But...I was more relieved that I wouldn't have to beg for answers, worry where he was, who he was with, who called or texted him at whatever time. Wonder if I was being lied to all the time.
Child support would help with some of the things for Jaiden.
I'd be...29, broke, jobless, and alone with a child.

I was torn between facing a lonely reality or...a fraudulent happiness.
I'd be a huge imposition on my family. Their space, their income, their bills. I just...

There was so many things to consider. The money to move and store everything, the hit my credit would take in losing the apartment, the deposit.
What was I going to do? The right decision or the safe decision?

A crisis of the soul. Fearing the unknown of tomorrow today. I wish I could sleep my pain away. Cry til my sadness drowns.