Unpretty

I'm not your average girl. I find it funny I still call myself a 'girl' and not a 'woman' since I'm borderline 30. I just haven't found it in me to note I am not a girl anymore.
I don't think I'm sexy. I'm not dripping with sex appeal and wanton desire doesn't just beam from my eyes, my hands. I don't walk like an angel and I don't glide like a siren, I don't sing like a nightingale. I've been told otherwise but when I look in the mirror, I always see an awkward, skinny, mismatched little girl.
I hated wearing make up. Always have. It ages the skin. it makes the human face look fake. Foreign. But then, I was not flawed.
I didn't have blemishes to hide, or eyes to bring out or cheekbones to highlight.
I was a dorky, tomboy of a girl.
Long languid arms, lengthy fingers, no kind of chestal projection.
In short, I was a short, skinny, flat chested girl. Ha. Some would class me as model status, but I just never saw it.

But I had a pretty face, a great personality. And I was well liked. A fabulous sense of humor.
I've been told my eyes was always my winning trait. They could be a lot of things. Inviting, demanding, conniving, seductive. They could be any and everything.

My first boyfriend truly appreciated my body. He said he would change nothing about me. He adored every inch of me. He liked the natural state. Unaltered.
And I felt good knowing that.

Chris, said he was drawn by my eyes.
I've seen the women he's been with. I'm nothing like them. I'm the exact opposite, truthfully. They're all more mature looking, WOMANLY looking...women.

I was nothing and am nothing in comparison.
I've never not felt pretty. I've felt awkward lots of times but never not pretty.
I'm not stunning, I'm not gorgeous or even beautiful.
But once upon a time....he said I was.
He would go out of his way to tell me just how beautiful I looked. Even if it was in jeans and a t-shirt with messed up hair and no make up.
I'd blush and always accept the compliment.
But then, I did the same.

He's especially easy on the eyes. Great smile, but his face, his eyes, is his meal ticket. And the fact that he's so fair skinned, and tall. It's my thing. I like a tall, man, great smile, wild eyes. And well Chris' is that blue that can be almost clear or bluer than the sky blue. Depends on how the light hits it.

Every time he shaves, I want to simply melt onto him, his face. And I let him know. I tell him almost all the time, how great he looks.

Over the last few years with everything that's gone on...
He ...has become almost PRO in never telling me how I look. Never telling me if I make him happy.
We don't go out often, but when we do, I look my best. For me. For him.
I've NEVER asked his opinion of what I wear. But then again, he has never spent a dime on my to shop. No manicure or pedicures. No massages. No hair cuts. No perms, no colors. Nothing.
He does nothing for my physical well being.

But over the last few weeks...despite what I wore, or didn't wear, there's no...want. No...desire.
It's as though he looks right through me.
When we're out, there's no hugs, no embraces, no proper introductions. No kisses, no hand holding. It's as if he's completely voided me regardless of me standing right next to him.
Today...I was only hurt. No anger. No frustration. Just hurt.
I was investigating the nature of a brand new belt he was wearing, so I pulled on it a little to see how tough it was. He had a cow. And said I was trying to take his pants off.
Didn't touch his pants. Our 2 year old is standing RIGHT THERE. Why would I try to do anything of that nature?

Everytime I get near him he acts as though I have no right to be that close.
I feel so...rejected.
As if I'm carrying this disease and I should be no where near him.

I've asked him time and time again, don't kill me on the head. Or the cheek. I'm not your sister or your child. Don't say "love you too" because I'm not your mother.
I deserve to be in my own category. I deserve to be held and treated like a lover.
Not like a baby sitter or a roommate or a blood relative.

He manages to make me feel unpretty so often, with so little action or a simple word.

I ought to be asleep.

But I'm in the bathroom with my phone padding this away. I sent a friend a song tonight and was on my way back to bed when I realized I had to listen to it. It reminded me of a time so long ago. The words are so real and exactly what she needs to hear. Sadly. I don't remember who I had that song for. Back then music filled the gaping void in my life. The darkness between work and being out. Music filled the space where love and hate now reside and are constantly at war, seemingly. Music today? For me. Is but moments between meals and teaching my 2 year old to say 'truck' without it sounding like 'fuck'. Lol. I can't say I enjoy it like I used to. But I'm finding my way back there. Moment upon moment. Day by day. These old tunes are beckoning me out of this shell I've lost myself within .. Not to haunt me but to allow me the freedom and joy that music once brought me.
"...baby, baby stay. Stay right where you are. I like it this way. It's good for my heart."

Great line.
I seek hope and life .. In the lyrics that I voice. The melody that embrace me. I remember to never forget.

Sent from my iPhone

A moment

All day long my head was literally reeling, thoughts just swarming in and out and in and out and I was slowly but so swiftly losing my mind. About what?
It still kills me about San Francisco...I didn't know if to approach him about if it would be something he would do. If it's something men do on the regular. I don't know what was going through my head to be completely honest. I know I lost it, and if this was a few weeks ago, I would have lost it and ultimately blown up at him or something.

It kept going over and over in my head, how could he?
Why did he?
How often does he?
Is he that lonely when he's away and not drunk?
Is he generally that lonely?
Does he look forward to traveling to do that?

I think its because Vegas is coming. After the milestone that he'll make Tuesday out to be he might be in a rather celebratory mood. Tonight he said he wanted to start sending out goodbye emails. I said he should elect not to because nothing's happened yet. If anyone KNEW anything he'd know. I'm certain of it. But I was literally, pacing, and talking to myself. And contemplating how I'd ask if I decided to. Maybe I'd make it a hypothetical question. A problem of a friend. SOMETHING! ANYTHING!!

And then once I showered, my mind seemed to let go of it. It's still there, don't get me wrong, but it's no longer plaguing my mind like it was earlier.
Haunting.
Driving me to the point of madness, almost.

Why?

Lol I realized I never actually said why I was confused. I guess it's because of how he acts, the things he's done. Things he's said. Why is he reaching for me as if I'm really going to walk away? Why is he almost hurt if he loses his job. "take one for the team" rubbed me the wrong way.
But .. Why with his lack of being... Why act like it would matter if I stayed or didn't. If I cared or didn't.
See?
Confused and kinda dumb to be honest.

Sent from my iPhone

I'm confused.. I think

I know I'm probably confused quite often but moreso lately. He's been on edge and cranky and just in an all round bad mood. In his line of work, he's been able to be fortunate enough to get away with taking off work, having a crazy amount of PTO and travel. Also, he can make his own hours on almost every given work day. Sucks for me, I know. He's gone to work on days that I have to assume he's working but have later come to find out he wasn't. Hence the suckage for me. I cant make plans because I never know what days "I have to work today" are the real ones. He has a habit of .. On Monday's after his conference calls which he stays in for, he doesn't leave for work, he stays home. I've always noticed it. Regardless if I ask if he's working or what time. It's almost always a fail. Turns out this past week, his boss didn't take lightly to him being home and pitched a fit. He's used to his boss having a cow whenever it's close to them having to work together.
So noticing his bad mood for what seemed to be most of the week, I kept myself in a pleasant mood, and tried to keep him less than bitchy. Bought him a 'Just because' card and left it on his desk. Figured it may give him a bright moment. I text him almost every day with an 'I love you' or something like it with .. Honestly? Never a reply. But I do it.
After a long day.. After 9.30pm he's home. And he fills me on. He's scared that as of Tuesday he may not be employed. That's apparently how hard is boss came down on him. He said after the ass chewing .. All he could think about was us. Me and jaiden. I doubt it was really me but whatever. "what are we going to do if I don't have a job?"
"we take it day by day. I can't say don't worry. But let's deal with it together as it comes."
"I guess I can take one for the team right?"
"things happen. I support your decision and will stand with you."

Those were my words to him Friday.
Why would he expect different.

Today?
"Mindy, no matter what happens on tuesday know that I love you. "

I'm baffled. But don't show it.
"I know and I love you too. No matter what happens I choose you. To stay. To support. I won't run away. "

As it stands, I don't see him losing his job. He has no written signs .. Or otherwise, of any insubordinations. All his time off has been approved by said boss and never denied. He has over 300 hours of paid time off to be utilized. He's well liked by colleges and his stores. His boss has done nothing but hype him up to others. His reviews are always better than average.
It'll be hard to push for him to be fired on little explainable grounds.
And I stand by my words.

"even if I'm unemployed and balding?"
"no matter what."
I mean it.

Sent from my iPhone

It's not just me

When the time stands still
And I'm alone with my thoughts
It reflects on the pain
On the 'once was' of my heart.

When the day comes to end
The hour of your arrival close
I reflect back on our times together
How it was you that hurt the most

But what I never look back on
And maybe it's selfish of me
Is that it's possibly the same for you
And I'm just too blind to see.

I've hurt you too
This I've never denied
It's not just me that has doubts
But maybe you put yours aside

If I were you
And I looked back
You'd see me as another
Who just added to your crack

Another thorn,
Another ache
Another drawn out mistake.

Maybe it's not just me
Who feels so insecure
But while we're in this lie together
How can we ever be sure.

7.15.11
6.42pm

I fail

3.26.04
2.22am

I forget you didn't care
Not anymore, like you did before
I forget you make it hurt
When you walked out the door

I forget you make it ache
Ten times as it was back then, now
I thought you'd never remember to leave my side
But I remember you never forgot how.

I forget to hold you to make you stay
But I know you don't want my touch
I remember the tears of anguish that subsided
...it hurts. I wish I could just forget how much.

I forget to smile
I forget to say the right words to you
But you forget I still can't fly,
And my wings cannot be re-bought, anew.

I forget to live
And truly smile instead of cry
And I remember you walk away
I remember each time my broken heart has to die.