It just means

I'm distracted so I'm not constantly worried or over thinking things that don't need to be given even a first thought much less the second or third. Engulfing myself with my daughter and my parents, and trying to break Chris of habits that are easily forgiven, avoiding his parents even though they have their own issues and just getting from A to B has been my deal as of late. And by as of late I mean the last few months.

To recap events: To celebrate Chris' brother, Sean and his gf. Becky's birthday we went out to a nice local Hibachi restaurant, then dessert and drinks at their house.

We drew Nikki (Chris' twin sister) and Chris' birthday in with me taking him out to dinner with my parents and brother with his girlfriend and Chris' brother did show up. I know that made him happy. It was an uneventful week seeing as how he got sick the same week, and his mother/sister cancelled dinner plans twice after I'd made arrangements with work for BOTH (but was able to change them since plans fell through). On the third attempt, she put it on a night where she knew I was working and went to a place with peanuts (which Jaiden is allergic to).

So I told her (while I was at work), that she was free to go without Jaiden and I. And I told Chris' have a good time, bring me back dinner. Needless to say they brought me back half of the meal and it was horrible. A couple days later, dinner at their house and again, dessert and drinks. February brought flowers which did make my day, as well as the card. Best card since we first met. Dinner out to a restaurant was never made because we're broke as hell. BUT he did attempt to make me dinner the day before Valentines. He's never done that before.

Completely from scratch...well the sauce was from a bottle and the meatballs were frozen. Lol. But he made the spaghetti, and then attempted everything else. I give it an A for effort if nothing else. It made me smile. AND he cleaned up after.

My birthday came and went with a day before party from my parents. Chris however didn't tell his parents (who should have known anyways) until 9pm ...so after work, I went to my parents, had a beer and just relaxed. Little did I know he was over at his parents (who ran around to grab me a cake, some balloons and a DVD) ...so just because I was in a good mood and didn't want to be bothered (nor did I know all of this was actually going on at his parents' house) I showed up an hour late (I was more leaning to NOT going at all) ...

Why would you just negate MY day from your life.
Maybe I'm not important enough, still.
Maybe it's not about you so it's not enough to draw attention to.
Maybe you're just that lazy.
Maybe ...

And the list could go on for hours. But it's not worth the thought nor the space to note it all after thinking about it.
I turned 30 and to me, it meant I spent a large portion of my life enjoying ME. And then the last 8 years thinking about everyone else BUT me. And only recently did I start thinking of me. And in my head, it sounds selfish. In my heart it feels selfish. I hate thinking about the money I have to save and call it MINE. I hate thinking about the future I have to prepare for because it'll be JUST ME. Nothing's shared, no focus on US or a sense of ...assurance that I'll have someone to lean on and someone to take care of me.
And then I reflect on him. Who does he want at his side when he's at the age that he needs help? Who's he gonna call?
His parents won't be there. Maybe mommy...who knows.
But she'll have her own age to engulf herself into and her own husband.
Jaiden'll have her own life to live. Maybe she'll be in college, or in her career path.
But who is he gonna rely on? Not me.

It just means...I have to start living for me. Because in the end it'll be just me.