A new face.

My work life has been awesome. Hours are short but fun and staff has changed. Kyle, the one male co-worker I had, has left after 6+ years. Moved on to bigger and better, so we hope. He's been studying to become a personal trainer. Took and passed the test recently after months of diligent studying. I think I've told Chris he's gone. I'm unsure if he recalls or acknowledges it. He still makes the same jokes he did when we did work together. It's ok though. All in good humor, at least that's how I take it. I'd met his replacement last Monday. This was our second day working together. Tonight will be our third. But on that first day we seemed to just out pour into the other about ourselves, our lives. Our pasts. It was momentarily confusing, to just release to someone you've JUST met.

She's 31, mother of 3, 2 different fathers. Her first's dad passed away before she was born. She's now 11. Her other two kids, boy, 7 and little girl, 2 share the same dad I believe. BUT he was very abusive towards her. So her son is displaying the same aggressive, angry traits. I felt for her. To be dealing with all that. She's got her hands full. Now; her fiance is a completely different person from her previous husband. He's a prince to her and treats her like a princess. They're getting married in a couple months. She showed and asked my opinion of a choice of wedding dress she was looking at. A destination wedding in the Bahamas. Again, my heart was swollen with jealousy and yet happiness for her.

She deserved every ounce of happiness she had in her life now because she's been through more than I could imagine. Last night she texts me; she needs a friend. She said she has none here because she left them all back where she used to live, where she used to work. The same establishment, different facility, some ways from here. Everything was different about it; which in turn made the job itself different. She had people she could talk to, people she could rely on ..coworkers who she could have fun with. And I felt great knowing that. Knowing I made someone else enjoy what they did, where they were. Because I know what it's like to hate who you work with, hate where you are, and what you're doing simply BECAUSE people make you hate it.

She needed a work out friend. She wanted to get together outside of work. Have a drink, some coffee. A play date for our daughters. It's only Tuesday so I hadn't committed to anything yet. But I didn't deny. Maybe I'm not used to someone wanting to spend time with me like that, someone wanting my friendship AND working at it. I wouldn't mind trying but I think I might suck at it. In my current company I've become lazy ...maybe.

This girl deserves a friend and I can be a great friend. So I'm willing to try ...

My friend

It takes a lot for me to use that word towards another. Most of the time when I reference someone I say something along the lines of "Someone I know.." or "Someone from work"..or anything nearing those words. Because to me, a friend is a lot more. And that word, means more. Maybe it's just me. Maybe it's a lot of other things. I've met thousands of people in my life. Not hundreds. But thousands. I've impacted most of them in a positive way, I think.For most, I've been a strong supporter, a strong shoulder, a silent yet sturdy ear, a piece of something for them to hold on to as they drift, or when they feel they're being pulled under. Something to keep them afloat.

I could say more but who's to say what they really think of me. It might be more and it might be none of those things. But what I always strive to do, for my FRIENDS, is be there. In thought, in prayer, in voice and in person if possible. But God has granted me limited funds in this life, so the latter is near impossible at times. Technology has allowed me almost all of the others mentioned. I trust that my friends would and will always know that I am ALWAYS there for them. In good times and in bad.

And I would do what I can, whatever in my power, to help them rise above whatever trials and tribulations they face.

One of my friends, a dear one at that, is going through a rather tough and disheartening situation. She is someone I met under circumstances I still cannot believe and through so many words, thoughts, prayers, we've become close friends. It's someone who all physical contact with have been denied and our friendship is justly based on ..us. Her momentary place in life is one of great difficulty. One I hope I, nor any mother for that matter, would ever have to face. But she is already in it, and so I wish with all my heart, she and her daughter, find solace, if not with each other, but with their oncoming decisions, steps, changes, in life. We cannot live for another. We cannot choose for another, no matter how much we want to. And we cannot protect those who walk unarmed and blood drenched, into a lair of hungry cannibals. We can only live and choose for one and one alone. The first one who always counts. Ourselves. As a parent, as any role, we need to be first in order to help any other. Of sound mind ..body, soul and spirit. We need to be above 50% or we cannot hope to give any source of aid.

An empty glass cannot quench that of a thirsty man.

I wish I could be there for her to just talk to, to lean on, to cry on, because sometimes, ..all we need is someone to listen. No words, just open arms, a warming embrace. Somewhere to hide into. Bury ourselves within. But I would hope she knows that even though thousands of miles separate us, I am still there. Though arms will not find a comforting embrace physically, my thoughts and hopes are with her. Soothing and calming. I know she's got other friends but...I have very few. So those feelings are genuine....
I guess friendship to me is along the lines of being in love. You can't fall in love with 10 people the same way. Maybe ..one or two in a lifetime...so you know it's real.
You, my friend, are strong, stronger than you give yourself credit for.
Tears are not signs of failure but signs of prevailing.

I said it.

I admitted to myself today that I hate my life. I hate where I am in this life. I said it out loud, and not to myself. I said it as I was exiting the car to my Dad before he drove away with my daughter for the next 5 hours.

But I was wrong. I don't hate my life. That part of my life driving off, I love it because it's unconditional and always. Not because it's family but because it would do ANYTHING for me. My parents, my brother and my daughter is really all I have. Hands down, no doubt about it. My daughter doesn't know it yet because she's so young.

What I left behind? 
Someone who isn't selfish, but who doesn't think enough about anything to begin with.
Someone who isn't controlling, but has no opinion about anything.
Someone who isn't angry, but doesn't show much emotion at all.
Someone who didn't leave, but isn't really here as often as he is sitting in the room.
Someone who puts on a good show but isn't much to look at initially.
Someone who doesn't care enough about himself thus, doesn't give anything or others much thought.
Someone who won't say 'No' but won't say 'Yes' either.


I've tolerated a lot from him, only because change is hard. You can't change over night if you want to, but when you try, believe me, I give props where it's due. I acknowledge change, attempts, and I praise. One would even go far enough to say I've bragged, a little.
But when my daughter has to go 5 hours without eating, or cries when the TV is shut off simply because I haven't been home to spend time with her/I'm working a couple hours more or longer, something is drastically wrong.

Scenario 1.
I'd been working double shifts In November and December often. Come December, Chris is able to take a week off BEFORE his vacation time for Christmas. So for those 2 weeks, I pulled a lot of extra hours and he was here with her. I'd go to work, come home, he's on the PC, make lunch and go to work, he's on the PC, come back and he's on the PC.

One day, same scenario. Only when I made lunch, I served it to Jaiden with instructions that he HAS TO SIT with her to make sure she eats. Said he would. Come home at 9pm, that plate I left at 345pm is STILL there where I left it.
"Did she eat?
Yes.
What'd she have?
She had some toast.."

Meandered to the kitchen, no sign of food being made or BEEN made after I'd left.
"...um, how'd you make the toast..
Ok. I lied...she didn't eat.."

Are you serious? Your staring at the computer all day and all night and can't leave for 20 minutes to make sure your kid eats? OR make her something. AND LIE about feeding her? Really?

Scenario 2.
During the day when we're home, I keep the TV off and keep myself occupied with her. No PC, limited phone use if any. Just me, her, some books, crayons, blocks, toys, whatever. Today I watched my kid CRY when I turned the TV off and said "Let's play."....why? It's what she does when I'm not here and he's with her. She's lost in the TV while he's LOST in the PC or game or whatever. Like, mouth agape, head cocked...unblinking...unphased. EVERY night I return home from work she's in front the TV or the couch, lost..and he's on the PC or game...Did she eat? I'll never know because he won't tell me the truth, I trust that much. So I have to come home and handle dinner like a single mom.

Should I be going through all this aggravation for someone who 1. doesn't want to try in this relationship or 2. enjoys being a part-time-parent? I don't think so. I really don't. And as much as I see the good, the bad catches up to remind me.
Whenever I think it's getting better, it just gets 10xs worse than it was. And almost everyone that SEES it or knows what's going on really thinks I should get away. I'm bored with how monotone things are and he's fine. He's fine not going out, not having dinner, not buying me flowers. He's fine with this...boring life. And when I try to change things, he gets mad. Like I did something wrong.

Losing my head in the clouds again

And I'm finding grey clouds. Not that there's anything wrong with grey clouds, because I love a cloudy day but that's besides the point. I'm faced with some new choices within the next month or two.

1. My lease agreement will be here and WE need to decide if it's something we want to renew. In the same decision, we need to decide if his parents buying a house is still in the cards come April. And if it is, we need to plan for the next year. With that being said.

2. If it is...the house that is, will we be getting married. I mean...


I'm confused as to how to approach things. If he wants to stay with me, we can't leave for another year. Which means we can't start looking for a house until the END of the year or close to the start of NEXT year. UNLESS we look NOW. But a month or two isn't enough time. And if he doesn't want to stay with me, we need to decide that now too, so I don't resign the lease and we can go our separate ways in April. It's either REALLY long term, or really Short term and I'm ...confused how to set things in motion.

He knows I ...well, I'm pretty sure he knows, I won't live with him in a house his parents buy if we aren't married. I know he doesn't want to remain here because this place is driving us both crazy with it's every changing rules and regulations. Rent goes up yearly. The longer we stay the tighter things become as we acquire more crap and Jaiden gets older.

Also I'd like to sit his parents down so they know OUR financial status seeing as how they didn't ask before. They didn't even approach us or me correctly, if I may say so. They just said "hey ..let's buy you guys a house. Jaiden gets her own room, a back yard" blah blah blah. They don't know what debts I have, if any, they don't know my credit score, they don't even know Chris' or his financial status of things. He thinks his bonus in March will help a great deal but money is easy come, easy go. Out your hand in someone else's pocket just as quick as it came, ya know.
Is this the right time to bring things up? Is this the ..right way?

I feel like it's an ultimatum that was bound to happen seeing as how things have taken this long.
I even thought about taking him out for dinner, maybe a drink and discussing things. Letting him choose if he wants to be with me VS not. Having it written then offering the envelope of what he chooses. I'd never let him see the other.
And if Yes - saying we get married in a certain amount of time, no expensive ceremony, no expensive ring, just something to signify the vows we make. We start saving for this house plan and we make changes that will HELP us.
And if No - he moves out before we resign, and go our separate ways, we go to court to get shared custody of Jaiden and settle on child support. Case closed.

Does it seem rash? I don't know.
I don't want to be his girlfriend anymore. 30 is hitting me hard with these weird ideas lately. This really isn't where I wanted to be in life. And to devote 5 years to one man who gave himself partially to others only to be told he's just not sure, or he doesn't know..it's fair any more.

I'm reaching my cusp of just how much more I can take...
And now I'm trying to figure out what decisions to make.

A longing

That's how I've been feeling lately. With all the help I've been giving to my parents in trying to get their personal things collected, the added stress of whatever new bad news that follow from unrevealed circumstances, their final decision is one I neither agree nor disagree with but see it as the best alternative. Through years of striving, failing to make ends meet, unstable jobs due to no green card for how many years and then after, some poor decisions due to pride, my dad is now forced to file for bankruptcy. Through the years I've done my best to help when I can, shit, I still do now. I've watched them lose 1 car which would have been paid off in less than 3 months if we had the money to continue the payments, and another due to my brother's ego.

Now they're being held up on their rent and faced with legal fees, court complaints and the like. It's currently not pretty. My mother was the only one working for a long time, to support them. They tried consolidating bills, programs but it eventually all became too much.

I've been helping gather the information, reading and responding to majority of all the legal paperwork try receive. And it's not a burden, just overwhelming at the moment.

It's like, when I think it's getting just a little better, something worse comes in the mail. And I'm disheartened. They can't catch a break no matter how hard they try. And I know they're trying, and tired now.

I know they know the pressure. But I wouldn't change my being there to help them through this. Just, no more bad news, please.

I want them to lay in bed at done point, at ease and a sense of knowing as bad as it is that it IS getting better. They aren't trying in vain anymore.
I know we all have a sense of longing for this to end at some point do they can relax. So they aren't always under pressure.

I long for them to be just a little stress free. And to be able to enjoy it.

Sent from my iPhone

New year; same shit?

One would think it would seem that way considering how it's started. The whole Christmas into New Years transition was one forced and trite. I really don't like being around his mother, especially. More so when his brother's girlfriend is around. It's like two peas in a pod and I'm the branch on the other tree on the other side of the forest. Jaiden's my only link to anything to do with them.

Maybe it's just me and maybe it's the feeling that's been lingering since just before Christmas. Things don't feel right. I kept thinking it's just me. It'll go away. I've involved myself in work and my kid and withdrawn my focus from him and it's like...I can't find a happy medium with him. If I'm too close, he does stupid shit. If I'm far, he does stupid shit. I thought things were ok. I even stepped out of my comfort zone and thought I should even get him a new phone. Now considering he's not the MOST trustworthy individual, I was willing to...trust him with it. NOW? Not at all. He's due for an upgrade and I had the hook-up for a free smartphone, a great plan and something that would cost LESS than his little POS now.
And then it happened.
He started hiding his phone again.
Or sleeping with it.

It's ALWAYS with him.
He's been home for the past two weeks and today was his first day back to work. When he came home. I saw the phone sitting on the desk as he went to the bathroom as a small window of opportunity to ...look.
There's a name and number that seems familiar in there. A girl. Titled with just an initial. "J"-  A small conversation about her seeing someone she just met at a store he visits and him telling her about Jaiden. Just. Jaiden. No girlfriend, nothing. So I noted the number and called it. 1 ring, it was picked up and no one answered. Just hung back up. Same New Brunswick area. I remember the number from before and when I had called it then, a guy answered with a British accent. I hear talk in the background so I know she handed off the phone to someone else to answer ...



This either has to be "Ass Girl" or the one who works at the bar. It would really suck if it's someone new, but I doubt it is considering there's just an initial and no actual name in his phone. Maybe I'm over analyzing. Maybe I'm not..

I just feel like I did a year ago and that wasn't such a great place.