In my head at least. Like I said - it's been crazy busy the last few weeks and the money at the end of the pay cycle definitely makes me happy and proud. But every now and then I find myself lost in thought of just one...when?
Another year is ending and it hasn't been easy at all. It seems as though when I fall into thought I completely drift into another minute, another moment where just that one question stands staring me in the face.
When?
..and I try on a daily basis to push past the question, past the thoughts that lead to the question and do what I need to do. I started working out almost every day even when I can't make it to the gym to which I now have A FREE membership to. It was something I was looking for before I applied for this job and now that I have it, I'm not taking full advantage of it. For a number of UN-obvious reasons.
No car.
No time.
No sitter.
It seems like a whole process that I really don't want to go through. So I stay home and do my P90X.
And as I get home after a long day's work, make dinner after picking my daughter up, I'm worn out in my head. And I get on the PC and the first thing I see....a close friend far younger than I...engaged.
I'd known he was going to do it, he told me weeks back. The reality of someone else, who DO NOT live with their significant other, planning their future...I'm begging myself not to release any tears, but I'm hurt. I'm upset. I really, truly am sad.
I want to just go in my bathroom, shut the door, turn the shower on and just...cry ...haphazardly...unabashed...
Just...when?
No comments:
Post a Comment