So with little time around to sit and dilly dally, when this happened, I just..I'm in a state of awe.
One word: Fuckin'Walter.
He was dealing with a lot of things when last we spoke. Between his mother leaving him on his own, him telling his father off after he returned from visiting him in Florida and deciding NOT to move there, he was lodging in some random motel. Then when his mother decides to move in with a relative who does NOT like him, she (his mother) tells him he needs to find somewhere to live. To get his shit together. Kinda putting him out on his ass in a sense. But it makes little sense because she's not paying for his stay in the motel (or maybe she is and I wasn't told or he omitted that detail).
I don't know if I'd mentioned that Walter had kissed me years ago when Chris and I were oh-so-rocky and Walter was still in 'mutual ffriend' land. But he had and he and I have never spoken of it since then. Til now. he asked if I'd ever told Chris. I said No. He asked why. I said it's irrelevant now and we didn't matter enough for me to tell him back then. Somehow, as much as I hate Walter, I can't lie to him. I find myself telling him things as if he was an old friend of mine. Not like "Oh my vagina hurts when I'm menstrating" type thing but just...small things. I egenrally don't lie at all to anyone but I don't just talk as if we're great buddies. I'm cautious with who I speak to and what I say. But with jerkface, I just let part of that wall down.
The night before he was going off his end about wanting to die and being fed up with life and how shitty it was in reality, how much he hated his family and he had just had it...I wasn't around so I couldn't say much to deter his mind from the abyss he was wandering towards.
So about 2 nights ago I'm sitting here with Chris and he messages. But Chris is oblivious to who or what and I say nothing. It's random words took a weird and out of the blue-ish turn.
..
After what could be hours of just random babbling between trying to figure out what Chris is thinking half the time and how he doesn't know what he has in someone like me, he ended up saying that if chris and I didn't work out for some reason, he wanted a dinner, or perhaps coffee. A date that wasn't a date if I didn't want it to be. Just a moment of my time. Him and I. No expectations, no preconceived notions of what might happen. Just...dinner...I agreed. Why? The evil in me made me do it knowing that it would never happen.
Now, to set the record straight, I've never fantasized about Walter, ever. I've never wanted him in any way nor let him know that we were ever more than JUST friends. Less moreso, often. Lol.
BUT he is attractive, easy on the eyes, and he is very much younger than I. Which he knows. What turned into a long discussion about random things, spiralled into him realizing he really liked me, always had. I'd left at some point because Jaiden woke up and...honestly, I needed a break from him. It was the wrong time and just too much information, as irrelevant as it was, but he needed to rant, to vent, and I was the one to kinda bucket it all. I came back the next day and half read what was said in my absence. ...Today I got on after not hearing from him sicne yesterday, which is fine by me, to read the following, from the SAME night, but I just didn't read it the first time.
- Look, as immature as I can be, I think its safe to say im more mature then i lead on. If you legit gave me a chance, me being understanding of everything your going through and your priorities, i dont think youd regret it
- Idk how you feel on it Cupcake....but thats my take.....Ive liked you for a long time and idk between bad timing and lack of balls havent mentioned it....but idk I truthfully think it would blow your mind
- Like I said. Work on you. You may think this is a phase in the future. Maybe not.
YesterdayWalt Seaman- Well heres the deal, thanks to my buddies who are really great friends, i have a plan and am getting on my feet this time as just me, not with my mom.
- Im passed the dicking around phase
- and the super party phase
YesterdayWalt Seaman- I have a shitload to work on, and ill prob always say that because i never wanna be content with me......but if you said lets do dinner tonight....I would never say no......
YesterdayWalt Seaman- Just understand that, yeah im in a situation but im not a chris in the content lets not take care of it type of way
- okies
YesterdayWalt Seaman- And yes, you may have ideas about me from the past but You know me well enough to know that ID never cheat and that I believe that cheating doest have to be [physical, even the thought is cheating
YesterdayWalt Seaman- ok be honest with me now, i wont be hurt if its not the case...but have you eer thought about what if there was an us or anything even remotely in those lines..
- Honestly? no. You always struck me as someone still searching but unsure for what.
- Then again I don't let me head wander
- I've wanted 1 thing for so long
YesterdayWalt Seaman- wow really...even when i thought youd end up married to chris ill admit i had lots of thoughts.......
YesterdayWalt Seaman- well back in 08 when we started talking, i was lost
- i was lost up until this past spring
- i needed some serious lessons and wake up calls
- granted ill learn many more, but its constant learning and no mistake twice
- Dude, before the honesty session is over, you have no idea about the dirty thoughts....care to hear lolloll???
- and no i belive you ab out not letting your head wander, its actually really awesome.
- lol im wondering right now, did she read it and is contemplating her answer or is she just busy and im wishful thinking lmfao
YesterdayWalt Seaman- Ahhh. I feel her pain.
- lol
- So do tell Doc, do I spill it or keep it to me? lol. brb need drink
- back
- Ok so Im just going to go ahead and roll the dice here since I know your probably tired and dealing with the lil one, it may or may not give you something to smile...or think about. If you do not want to hear or read it, lol then dont. haha
- and if at any time im crossing a line or being too much do let me know....
- actually ill wait to see if you wanna hear it before i type it lol seeing as im getting blushy if thats even a real word
- which sucks because at this point im talking to myself and for some reason I really do want to tell you the story but ahh idk, sry if im hyper, coming clean about this is not something i was prepared for lol
- annnd im actually really nervous in the high school talking to the hot girl kind of way which is odd because that didnt even happen in high school and at this point im making myelf seem like a babbling idiot
- And now, granted you prob got kicked off, you sign off and im thinking that im both crashing and burning pretty badly...lol...shit....
- Im really sorry if i seem hyper and all over the place, its honestly hard to explain feelings thatve been built up over time and im nervous because I really didnt want to gamble with our friendship by going there tonight but well the fact is its how i felt for awhile, and now i can finally tell you......and idk at first i didnt want to risk the friendship seeing as it means a lot to me, but if it costs me a great friend in an attempt to follow my gut instinct and to have that chance...its a risk worth taking
YesterdayWalt Seaman- Oye ok now Im nervous considering you signed off, not to sound neurotic or like a shy freshman but telling you this all tonight was really big for me and all I ask is that ur honest, if u dont feel the same way, etc, i you dont see giving a shot etc. I understand and wont be upset. I guess, Idk, its easy to approach someone about a relationship when its meaning isnt all that much, but when you find something or someone you really truly like and see a lot in....idk theres more on the line and I just hope you understand that my mass typing and all os just me being hyper because im really kind of hoping for that chance. My whole life Ive been in relationships where the other person is on a dif chp in their life, and all ive really wanted was to settle down and have a real relationship with that person. Idk, sry for the nervous and all over hte place. What im trying to say is
YesterdayWalt Seaman- Idk Im bad with words and nervous in all honestly here....I see us making a good couple eventhough youll never admit that, and Ive been patient for nearly 4 years now and as much as Id really hate myself for losing a friend, im willing to gamble with that friendship because i think your beyond worth it to be with
YesterdayWalt Seaman- Idk just dont assume deep down im the person you used to think i was...or that Im like that in a relationship or anything like that...I do think youre insanely beautiful and sexy to the point that im actually picturing you in a bikini right now lol, i absolutley love your personality....I mean your the only person ever who I could talk to for hours and never notice the time much less watch lifetime movies with....Idk Im going to shut up now haha but know this I really like you and have since day one, if you only knew how many times I considered kissing you...or how many times I kinda caught myself drooling over the thought of you in a hockey jersey and panties...youre just awesome and after however many years considering the circumstances I demand a date before the new year...no rush no pressure....hell jen will tell you i dont kiss on the first date anyway, but i demand a date...even just a cup of coffee if you want
YesterdayWalt Seaman- And Ill fucking admit it against all better judgement......I could honestly easily see myself falling head over heels for you in a heart beat....literally....andI say that because I know what I see and have seen in you, and that your the whole package....plus its rare for "fantasy" thoughts to come true so yeah Id prob be the overprotective jackass even though i know i could trust you(prob the only female i can say that about).......
YesterdayWalt Seaman- Ok im seriously shutting up now until you respond. Ive basically spilt my guts and heart to you and now I sit here awaiting the test scores. Please forgive the hyperness, Im all out of sorts shaky nervous at the moment, but dont let that go to your head. BTW you suck for not coming back but i figure your with the lil one
...I am...
Confused and not impressed, sadly.
I just know he's dealing with SO much and this...this is just a phase. Something he needed to tell me. I don't know what made him feel he could just ramble like that, and I don't hold it against him. But...knowing me, I'll have to...try to ever-so-gently, shut him down when next we speak.
He is not an improvement on my life at all. He has nothing to offer me as a man, as a provider or even a father figure to my child. Not saying he's a terrible person, but to me, he can't offer me anything better.
His intentions are sweet and I'm sure they've got every ounce of honesty he's speaking of, but him and I? No, thank you.
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