Been a long time

They say life is what you make of it. I say "life...go with it". So many people come through us, take from us, give to us. They do and affect us do widely and differently that it would be so easy to blame others for how life turns out. It would be easy to just say "well if you didn't ..." and up until now, that's been me.
I've been talking to an aunt of mine whom I work with. She's had her own fair share if moments and spells of insanity that make other members of our family think she's off her wits. Needless to say she knows a bit of Chris and I more than any other relative outside of my immediate family. And she gave me one bit of advice "Empower yourself."
Do for you and your daughter.
If he has majority of the financial responsibility at the moment, let him keep it. She knows I paid everything on my own for my pregnancy, all my hospital bills and also I foolishly paid for everything during our first year living together. I didn't save anything. And what I had saved was used.
Empower yourself as a woman.
She knows today was our 4 year anniversary and although she acknowledges Chris as my husband, she knows we aren't married. So when she did ask of our plans to ever get married, I said it wasn't up to me and as far as I knew, he didn't want to.
Her retort? Don't stay too long. If he has to take this many years to decide if I'm good enough to be with, to spend his life with, he doesn't deserve me. I gave him my youth, live and faithfulness. He is still in a place where a decision so easy fails him. There are other men out there who deserve someone like me. Who will treasure me as not only a mother, but as a woman.
She's not a jilted woman either. But she did just mutually divorce her husband of 40+ years because he didn't know what he had. He chose to drink daily. Their kids are grown and gone and it was just them. But he didn't cherish that. He drank and gave the person taking care of him, hell. So she let him go and said "fine, find someone who will take care of you and handle your BS".
She let me know I don't need to rely on anyone to get what I need to get done. I have my family, I have her. It was good to hear. It makes me feel better if and when things start descending faster. Or when I choose to decide to leave, I won't be all alone (which I knew).
Work has been progressing well and I'm happy there. My 3 days a week have increased to 4. My co workers are friendly and it's not a bat shit crazy job. It's 3-4 hours of my time where I'm out of the apartment. Some time where my daughter gets to socialize with others. Some time for me to talk to other adults, other parents.
Somewhere other than here.

Sent from my iPhone

Maybe I am

... Just a little bit crazy. Sometimes I go back or I notice as I write, be it an entry or a momentary stanza, I sound schizophrenic. Like I'm hearing voices. Making up scenarios and stories. Completely losing my mind. There's always so much going on in my head at any given time. It seems exhausting to me. I should be tired and truthfully .. I am. I'm sick of the voice in my head. I'm sick of the frame by frame, word by word ... Montages that come up what seems, every , waking .... Moment.

About everything and nothing.
I'm sick of hearing me all the time. Of doing things I ask myself not to do, feel, say, see. Think. I just. I'm tired of trying to perhaps convince myself I'm not crazy.

Because maybe I am.
Sent from my iPhone

It won't be quiet

The words keep spilling
Completely overwhelming
Can't anyone see?

I'm struggling
I'm fighting
These words, they aren't me.

I'm forcing
I keep trying
I just need it to stop.

I'm pleading
I'm praying
On my knees I've dropped.

The words keep calling
Seek me in my failing
I'm aching for a pilot.

No longer controlling
I'm not driving
In my head it won't be quiet.

Sent from my iPhone

A Force Of One.

At last in time
I find the end
I know now there
Is only one to depend

At last in mind
I know the sound
I know the solace
In the darkness I've found

At last in heart
I know the ache
The pressing hurt
That only I can take

At last in soul
I will find my place
A force to reckon with
Someone that cannot be erased.

It was the slightest of wording

Maybe its the fact that everyone grows insignificant after a while. I'm no great communicator via text, phone call or the act that I have no car or money plays a strong part in seeking friends outside of my four walls. It's not that I don't care, but some people just don't like the gap that connection really puts. To..depend on a phone call, a text message, an email. Or even a letter in the mail. I used to be VERY good at penpal-ing. But technology had robbed many of that luxury. To enjoy putting pen to paper and speaking your mind, your heart. It no longer costs 35 cents to say hi to your friend in the next state because technology has created FREE long distance and unlimited texting, but who wants to sit on a phone all day long. I like the excitement of giving and receiving snail mail.

But ...ah, it's not worth going into.

FML

I did it, as much as I told myself not to, I looked at his comp when I got home and low and behold. Porn. -.- Now I'm sitting here upset. And trying to let it go. FML.

My ex

It's been about 2 weeks since I've heard from him. And everyone keeps telling me to talk to him, hang out with him, it's ok. Why? I'm not doing anything wrong at all. Just being a friend. BUT I know in his heart, it's not what he wants. And I know it's not my place to think for him. His feelings and thoughts I can't control. But in our recent interactions, he's voiced things I don't need to hear nor want to know. it's made me uncomfortable. And I've stepped back to give HIM some space to make HIS decisions and me not be involved in ANY way. The last time we spoke he said it was a rough week and he wanted to talk. By talk he means see or call. And I wasn't in the mood. I'd rather him text but he didn't want to. and I didn't care enough to ask.
I'm tired to the nobodies wanting. He has no job, no income, no interests. He can contribute NOTHING to me or to a relationship with me. How do I know? Been there. Done that. He's still the same person he was, just with a better understanding of having someone good in his life. Not that he doesn't. He has a good woman. But he doesn't want her. Doesn't feel connected with her as he says he does with me.

Me? I care for him. But I don't want to be with him. He's got a house, a car, money ..he's set. But me? I work for EVERYTHING I have and am at the brink of losing it all in my decisions. So I'm treading carefully. Lightly. Because if I make waves. I'll drown. And it's won't be JUST me. I have a daughter to think of.

I've been tempted to text. But...I can't. I just don't have the strength to face him in the smallest way.

My job

I was expressing today that - i enjoy my part time job. I don't wake up dreading being there. Dreading seeing the people I work with or the kids I have to see. At least not yet. I hope I don't have that for a long time to come. I like that I have a goal 3 out of the 7 days in the week. I like that I'm happy to get ready and be prepared to leave. I'm slowing starting to not care if Chris is home, watching porn, not thinking of me. I'm happy knowing my daughter is either with me or with my mom. She's taken care of. I'm happy knowing that I won't be where I am forever and it's just the start. FOR ME. It's all for me. Granted today I came home after he picked me up and I looked at his IE history and was set at momentary ease at there being no porn, but then asked myself.."Who...cares"..Why? There's nothing I can do about it. It's done. I can't undo it, make him not have watched and ....it only hurts me to know he had. So...I shouldn't.

I no longer call every day. but I do often to say hello and tell him I love him.
I'm still nice to him. I still do things FOR him. But he's not longer a priority in my life. Not him, not his family.

I used to think they'd be on my side but they won't. I used to think he's on my side but he's not. So I find happiness in the things that work for me. My job, MY family, my daughter. His place in my line of priorities has declined. And shall continue to do so.

Same shit, different day

It's been a while since I had anything remotely decent or rage-enthralled to say. It's been a shitty few days, weeks whatever it's been. Last week was another drivel infested day which ended in my crying and then, not giving a shit. I'm slowing letting myself go and not caring. especially about HIM. Not about anything else. Just him.

Case in point - we're food shopping last week, my parents have an eye on my daughter and we're making the final round to make sure we got it all and this girl walks in, on the phone, huge ass, fitted top. Strolling down the aisle. Chris who is standing right by my side, starts talking/rambling about nothing at all, yet he's got a very interested and adamant look on his face as if it's of some importance and starts off right behind the girl. I was..mortified. Like..I'm RIGHT THERE!!! He tails her til she's out of sight and KEEP WALKING to find the lane she's in, walks past, turns and comes back towards me. By this time i'm Stopped dead in my tracks just looking on haplessly at what I just saw. Felt. And I tried to brush it off by making a joke or two about it.

But by the end of the night...I was more hurt than ever. Best part? He SAYS to me he thinks he did NOTHING wrong. In his mind, in his actions, it's wasn't wrong. Well, mr - i fucked up the rest of his night by unattaching the internet wire from the modem in such a way that is was still in, but unclicked. NO FUCKING NET for your sorry ass.

He planted his ass, refusing to talk to me while he started a game. So I unplugged it. No game. No net. No porn, nothing. So he decided to bury himself in the bedroom to watch TV while I sat out here. TV got boring so he relied on the PS3 to entertain him for a while. By 12am he was reeling that it was still down. I faked...yes..faked, a phone call to the cable company who 'said' it's an unexpected problem and there'd be no telling when it would be up, just that it SHOULD be up by 6am.
Did he really have to make me go to that length? Yeah sure. I felt remorse at first but I stayed out til he went to bed, and by 4am, I replugged it in in time for him to have for work in case I fell asleep - so he wouldn't have to wake up, have no net, and bitch about being unable to download his stores for work.

As the days went by, I let that event go and pretended it didn't happen. He has NO idea what he's creating and then will have to deal with. BUT it won't be a monster of alcohol. It'll be one spawn from hate. Resent and regret. Not for being with him, but for being THERE for him ALL the time.

One day...and I hope it's one day I enjoy and can reap much from what I'm sowing, I won't be there and he'll not only need me but he'll WANT ME and I won.t Be. THERE.

I'm always

In my head the voice won't stop. My own voice that's constantly drumming up conversations of what ifs and of talks. Talks that we've had or would have or will have that always seem to result in the same ending. Loneliness. And it's always a myriad of topics. From death to love, to life, to freedom. To loneliness to happiness. But never a different ending. I always leave in one form or fashion. The lies as small as they are are small enough to brush off, but why should I have to brush them off at all.

I will do my best

to not be mad. Not be mad at anything, really. Nothing worth being mad about at this point, really. Truthfully mad about, anyways. If I'm mad about the things I'm trying not to be mad about it would be like, nit-picking, nagging, unwarranted anger than could be wasted on something or someone else.

To try my best every time that I have to ask and feel like crap for money I won't be spending on myself. When I have to go to work and come back to see he's looking at porn EVERY time and not focusing on Jaiden. Or parked in front a game and she's spilled juice everywhere ...
To know he brought her food but didn't make sure there was dinner for me when I ALWAYS make sure there's food for him.
Every day I lean more and more to wanting to disappear, or to run away. But if I disappear, I leave Jaiden behind. If I run away, I leave my family behind. I feel like I'm begging myself to go from day to day ...the hours are fine. It's knowing every day I come home to..this. I find myself unhappy again. I'm told the porn is a normal thing and god knows I'm trying to overlook it. Sometimes I really wished he'd chosen not to be a part of my life so I don't have to wonder, and worry so much. He's deprived me of SO much. Ruined many special moments I'll never get back with my child. Ruined my first Mother's Day by wanting to take my kid and telling me to spend it alone to just neglecting me as that 'person' in his life. And I base it on the ..incomplete parenting/childhood he himself had. But wouldn't it dawn on someone who grew up without, to give their child more than they had? Better than they had?

Sometimes I think too much about the little things and it just turns into one big thing which in end, sucks.