"I didn't do anything wrong to lose you so I don't think I need to be doing work to get you back.." ...those words came to me, almost spat out of me, while in the shower. I looked up and if there was a mirror before me I'd have stared right back at me, disbelief all over my face.
Completely confused.
It hurts.
It hurts he doesn't think about me or love me anymore.
It hurts that he talks and/or flirts or wants to be with others.
It hurts he makes time for others.
It hurts.
But I didn't....do anything...wrong. I didn't. All I did, was truthfully, unconditionally..love him. Over and over again, despite all the emotional torture, then and now..all I did was love him. All I wanted was to make him happy. For him to show me he loved me, a little better, not A LOT better but a little better than he was.
Need me a little. Share with me a little.
Now? ...
A friend of mine said this "..Let him come to you. If he really loves you he will find a way back to you.."...and she told me that when I told her I couldn't hang on anymore, I wanted to call him. She asked why. I said I didn't know. She asked what would I have said if I had called and he had picked up. I said I didn't get that far. I was in dire need to just..hearing his voice. But she's right. Don't do it.
And I didn't.
I don't have to do work.
He does. He. left. me. If he wants to be with me, he's gotta do work...
..make your decisions and do work.
I might ramble a bit more before the night's decline, but tomorrow may be a whole new person.
Tomorrow he sees just how real it is and I find out just how strong I am against him.
...do work, Chris...
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Saturday, August 4, 2012
I don't know what it's like
...when someone doesn't want you, til now. It hurts. It physically hurts. My heart aches and my stomach hurts. It feels like someone's sitting on my chest all the time. I've never not been wanted, but I've also not wanted another like I wanted for Chris.
With my ex, Mike, I think I grew to love him. I thought he was cute at first but there was no real spark. And he grew on me. We did things together. We went out, I disregarded his faults and accepted his idiosyncrasies. And when I wanted Chris and he didn't respond..I was alright.
Now? The thought of him talking to other women, or wanting to be with someone else...hurts.
I told my mom when she told me I looked like I wanted to cry, that it was the reality of the situation kicking in.
Letting go, really letting go.
We don't talk much at all. Our conversations are short and no longer end with what they once did. The way they did.
It's cold. It's distant.
I'm frightened to be alone, seemingly. To be unwanted, now.
No matter what anyone says, all the cliche bullshit, all the "it'll get better with time".."Be happy with yourself, use this time for you"...none of it is going to take this pain away. It feels like I always have to throw up.
Maybe I'll feel better after Monday. Maybe I won't.
..at this rate, the way we're just...drifting apart...I don't think he'll come back.
...and I'm afraid I'll be stuck with this ache ...
Yeah ..no I don't need the cliche "Only if you let it.."
It hurts now.
It saddens me now, though that I heard back from a school I wanted to send her to and when I called him to tell him, he still doesn't want to start her in September, he still wants her to wait.
...you're depriving your child..of school.
*sigh*...this sucks. It hurts and it sucks.
With my ex, Mike, I think I grew to love him. I thought he was cute at first but there was no real spark. And he grew on me. We did things together. We went out, I disregarded his faults and accepted his idiosyncrasies. And when I wanted Chris and he didn't respond..I was alright.
Now? The thought of him talking to other women, or wanting to be with someone else...hurts.
I told my mom when she told me I looked like I wanted to cry, that it was the reality of the situation kicking in.
Letting go, really letting go.
We don't talk much at all. Our conversations are short and no longer end with what they once did. The way they did.
It's cold. It's distant.
I'm frightened to be alone, seemingly. To be unwanted, now.
No matter what anyone says, all the cliche bullshit, all the "it'll get better with time".."Be happy with yourself, use this time for you"...none of it is going to take this pain away. It feels like I always have to throw up.
Maybe I'll feel better after Monday. Maybe I won't.
..at this rate, the way we're just...drifting apart...I don't think he'll come back.
...and I'm afraid I'll be stuck with this ache ...
Yeah ..no I don't need the cliche "Only if you let it.."
It hurts now.
It saddens me now, though that I heard back from a school I wanted to send her to and when I called him to tell him, he still doesn't want to start her in September, he still wants her to wait.
...you're depriving your child..of school.
*sigh*...this sucks. It hurts and it sucks.
Ughhh
How the fuck am I supposed to even WANT you when all you do is direct your anger and hostility at me? For days you've been nothing but a complete asshole to me since I said lets not have sex anymore.
Or even before. You've been nasty. Short. Cold. And I'm not even reaching!!! I'm staying out of your way.
And all of a sudden you threaten my brother because of something you know he did? Grow the fuck up. All you did on the pc was play games and watch porn so why get so mad. You know why he locked it. He told you when and why. You Have a problem. You didn't say shit.
Now all of a sudden you get pissy.
I hate you for making me hate you like this. For making me angry. For making me cry. You've done enough.
You take everything as an assault and you play the victim. You're a cold lying asshole.
I hate you for ruining my heart when all it wanted ...all it was, was good to you. Loved you. Loves you.
I hate you for doing this. Every day that goes by you make this unbearable. You are nasty and mean and you think you aren't. Everything you do makes you coming back IMPOSSIBLE. Everything makes it harder to want you back. Because all you've done is cause pain, anguish, chaos. Grief.
You can't want to come back for something you burnt your bridges to ...not if you're ensuring you have NO WAY IN HELL of reaching it or knowing if it'll even be there anymore.
You've ruined me. And I hate you.
Sent from my iPhone
Or even before. You've been nasty. Short. Cold. And I'm not even reaching!!! I'm staying out of your way.
And all of a sudden you threaten my brother because of something you know he did? Grow the fuck up. All you did on the pc was play games and watch porn so why get so mad. You know why he locked it. He told you when and why. You Have a problem. You didn't say shit.
Now all of a sudden you get pissy.
I hate you for making me hate you like this. For making me angry. For making me cry. You've done enough.
You take everything as an assault and you play the victim. You're a cold lying asshole.
I hate you for ruining my heart when all it wanted ...all it was, was good to you. Loved you. Loves you.
I hate you for doing this. Every day that goes by you make this unbearable. You are nasty and mean and you think you aren't. Everything you do makes you coming back IMPOSSIBLE. Everything makes it harder to want you back. Because all you've done is cause pain, anguish, chaos. Grief.
You can't want to come back for something you burnt your bridges to ...not if you're ensuring you have NO WAY IN HELL of reaching it or knowing if it'll even be there anymore.
You've ruined me. And I hate you.
Sent from my iPhone
Friday, August 3, 2012
Blaahhhh
Knots.
Miserable.
Nervous.
Angry.
Lonely.
Tired.
Unable to sleep.
Angry but not at him.
Just a mess.
Because I miss him.
More than I should.
Curious.
Jealous for no obvious reason. Frightened.
Sent from my iPhone
Miserable.
Nervous.
Angry.
Lonely.
Tired.
Unable to sleep.
Angry but not at him.
Just a mess.
Because I miss him.
More than I should.
Curious.
Jealous for no obvious reason. Frightened.
Sent from my iPhone
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Maybe I shouldn't have spent THAT much
..but I figured I don't indulge in a lot. I spent maybe, $150 on myself last night. Not on clothes, on drinks, on jewels, or anything materialistic. I spent it on the phone, with a psychic. I know, a lot of people don't believe in those things. Maybe it was curiosity. Maybe it was confirmation of the known, or the insight of something I didn't know.
I feel terrible having spent THAT MUCH but I started with the intention of only using 30$. That 30 turned to 80. And I think perhaps another 50. I can't remember.
She said she feels a lot of depression from him.
He's fighting with something in himself. Guilt. She said he may even have a problem with being faithful in that he likes the chase. Personally, looking back, I think I said too much. It didn't start off that way. I was sparse with words.
She said she can tell he is deeply and genuinely in love with me and he wants to be with me but something is holding him back. She can't understand what. She said every night he hopes that I know he'll come back home. She asked if I ever feel that connection ...I said no. Which was true. I feel my own longing for him mostly at night and in the morning. When I am very aware he's NOT there. But I never feel him reaching for me.
She said I was incredible strong for taking the things he's done to me.
She asked if I'd ever forgiven him for it. Outwardly told him so. I said no. Because he downplayed it. He made it seem as if he'd done nothing wrong. All the women, all his absence. She said he doesn't even find the thrill in chasing anymore. He's losing the 'fun' in it. And she was confused that if he could feel so strongly for me, why would he need to still do those things.
I explained the partial conversation I read. I said I felt the presence of another ..but I couldn't be sure. I had no proof.
She said I should continue to give him his space.
She asked if I know where he is, I said yes.
She asked if he was near. I said yes.
She asked if I ever visit. I said no. There was turbulence between me and his family. I explained we were ethnically different. I said that even though he is near, their home is out of the way for me to drive near. She said it was good that I didn't. She asked if I'd ever seen him drive near or past our apartment. I said no. Never. She said he does. Often. And when he does, he slows as if to say "I'm coming home."..It was then that I confirmed I lived on a main street. At times he would have to come this way but he can easily go another route from his house.
She said he's seeking counseling of some sort and it's helping. He feels confident in whatever help he's getting. I didn't say he might be seeking legal counsel. I mentioned near the end that we were going to court. She asked if he was angry. I said no. It's what he wanted. She said it was wise. Because then he would understand just how real it was.
She said we have always had a great love affair and if we could get past our difference together, we would be dynamic. She said she feels he will return. She said she sees me giving him another child. She asked if that was ok. I said yes. She said if I was aware he was my soul mate. She said he wasn't a religious person. I didn't agree to her but I agreed to myself. It's true. She said he believes we belong together. he just has to take a stand with me, for us.
My time was nearing an end and she had began asking about Jaiden.
I felt I had heard what I wanted to know.
So I discontinued the call and berated myself for spending as much as I had. Nevertheless.
I'm still frightful of the future. But I'd opted to just...be still.
I did confront him about the intimacy between us lately. He said we were wrong to continue. He said he knew we should stop since the day at the beach. He said he thought I was happy. I asked why would he think I was happy.
I asked why would he try if he knew it was wrong. More than once, twice. He said it's because I'm safe. He knows me, I know him. I assumed disease free safe. He said no. Safe being we were comfortable with each other.
I was in disbelief. I told him I felt used because he said it was because he was lonely, or horny as hell.
He's still laden with that "I don't know" line and it drives me crazy.
The conversation ended heated and badly.
But I felt I did the right thing in confronting the intimacy. Because I told him I'm weak. I can't say no to him. Because I want him.
I feel terrible having spent THAT MUCH but I started with the intention of only using 30$. That 30 turned to 80. And I think perhaps another 50. I can't remember.
She said she feels a lot of depression from him.
He's fighting with something in himself. Guilt. She said he may even have a problem with being faithful in that he likes the chase. Personally, looking back, I think I said too much. It didn't start off that way. I was sparse with words.
She said she can tell he is deeply and genuinely in love with me and he wants to be with me but something is holding him back. She can't understand what. She said every night he hopes that I know he'll come back home. She asked if I ever feel that connection ...I said no. Which was true. I feel my own longing for him mostly at night and in the morning. When I am very aware he's NOT there. But I never feel him reaching for me.
She said I was incredible strong for taking the things he's done to me.
She asked if I'd ever forgiven him for it. Outwardly told him so. I said no. Because he downplayed it. He made it seem as if he'd done nothing wrong. All the women, all his absence. She said he doesn't even find the thrill in chasing anymore. He's losing the 'fun' in it. And she was confused that if he could feel so strongly for me, why would he need to still do those things.
I explained the partial conversation I read. I said I felt the presence of another ..but I couldn't be sure. I had no proof.
She said I should continue to give him his space.
She asked if I know where he is, I said yes.
She asked if he was near. I said yes.
She asked if I ever visit. I said no. There was turbulence between me and his family. I explained we were ethnically different. I said that even though he is near, their home is out of the way for me to drive near. She said it was good that I didn't. She asked if I'd ever seen him drive near or past our apartment. I said no. Never. She said he does. Often. And when he does, he slows as if to say "I'm coming home."..It was then that I confirmed I lived on a main street. At times he would have to come this way but he can easily go another route from his house.
She said he's seeking counseling of some sort and it's helping. He feels confident in whatever help he's getting. I didn't say he might be seeking legal counsel. I mentioned near the end that we were going to court. She asked if he was angry. I said no. It's what he wanted. She said it was wise. Because then he would understand just how real it was.
She said we have always had a great love affair and if we could get past our difference together, we would be dynamic. She said she feels he will return. She said she sees me giving him another child. She asked if that was ok. I said yes. She said if I was aware he was my soul mate. She said he wasn't a religious person. I didn't agree to her but I agreed to myself. It's true. She said he believes we belong together. he just has to take a stand with me, for us.
My time was nearing an end and she had began asking about Jaiden.
I felt I had heard what I wanted to know.
So I discontinued the call and berated myself for spending as much as I had. Nevertheless.
I'm still frightful of the future. But I'd opted to just...be still.
I did confront him about the intimacy between us lately. He said we were wrong to continue. He said he knew we should stop since the day at the beach. He said he thought I was happy. I asked why would he think I was happy.
I asked why would he try if he knew it was wrong. More than once, twice. He said it's because I'm safe. He knows me, I know him. I assumed disease free safe. He said no. Safe being we were comfortable with each other.
I was in disbelief. I told him I felt used because he said it was because he was lonely, or horny as hell.
He's still laden with that "I don't know" line and it drives me crazy.
The conversation ended heated and badly.
But I felt I did the right thing in confronting the intimacy. Because I told him I'm weak. I can't say no to him. Because I want him.
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
I hate crying
..I really do hate crying because you know what? He isn't crying over me. He isn't even thinking about me. He's lying, he's cold. He's distant, he's absent. WHY the hell am I feeling all this remorse ..all this hurt for someone who doesn't give a shit.
Land of dream
Had a sporadic dream last night. I heard his car. I heard him come inside the apartment. Clean shaven. Red and black shirt. Khakis. He came into the bedroom and grabbed a handful of his clothes. Held it close. I said hi sleepily as I struggled to see what he was doing. I was scared. I felt as though a huge weight was upon my chest keeping me from speaking. Moving. I was choked up as I knew I wanted to protest his actions.
But he said very little. Yet a determined look lay on his face. Blue eyes wide and bluer than usual.
I couldn't stop him.
And as I sit here with my daughter, I'm reminded of how he still holds me. How he listened to my heartbeat as he laid his head on my chest. But he thought it was something sexual rather than just having him close to me.
The vision of Him holding my hand with his while using the other to push me away. How it hurt to say either pull me close and embrace me always or let me go.
I am less depressed yet sad at his distance. His absence. I am hopeful, deeply so. I am angry as his little secrets.
I am lonely because I spent years being alone. I need someone to share all this love. I need someone to support me. Hold me. Love me. Save me.
But ...it's not enough if it's not him.
Sent from my iPhone
But he said very little. Yet a determined look lay on his face. Blue eyes wide and bluer than usual.
I couldn't stop him.
And as I sit here with my daughter, I'm reminded of how he still holds me. How he listened to my heartbeat as he laid his head on my chest. But he thought it was something sexual rather than just having him close to me.
The vision of Him holding my hand with his while using the other to push me away. How it hurt to say either pull me close and embrace me always or let me go.
I am less depressed yet sad at his distance. His absence. I am hopeful, deeply so. I am angry as his little secrets.
I am lonely because I spent years being alone. I need someone to share all this love. I need someone to support me. Hold me. Love me. Save me.
But ...it's not enough if it's not him.
Sent from my iPhone
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