The pain

..the hours that go by the pain just seems to swell with it. Pass with it. It had been almost 3 days since he'd called and even then, it was only because his mother told him I was worried. 3 days and I couldn't take it anymore. I called again, to replied with a text that he couldn't speak. Busy. 10 minutes later, It's almost 2am here, he called. He said he didn't want to talk to me, which is why he didn't call at all. He thinks he should move out when he returns. That he didn't want to talk about it further than that and he had to go. Then, he said "Forget everything I said.."
I'm confused. I've cried til my chest hurts. Til I want my chest to rip open and my soul to just spill out of me because it hurts so much.
He went all the way to Vegas, to ignore me, and then ti semi-instigate a break up over the phone.
"I have to go. I'll call you back."

He never did.
Part of me can foresee the end. Me moving out of this place because I can't pay the rent and the bills and he won't. He has...no credit to get another on his own, so he'll wreck mine by making me forfeit the apartment and lose my security deposit.
He won't talk to me when he gets back. He'll use every excuse he can as he parks himself in front of his computer again. "I'm tired..I've had a long flight. A long day."..whatever it takes, to not face this. And I am too weak to even begin to deal with it.

I sent myself flowers. They'll be here tomorrow. I just want to feel wanted. Loved. Beautiful. Thought of.
...and I still want him.
But he's so set in his ways that I'll possibly never have him. I maybe, never had him. I don't know anymore.

Tears

They say many things about tears .. It cleanses the mind, the heart. The soul. Lately, they've drowned all of the above. I thought I would be biding my time til I was string enough to run. But I don't know how long I can actually 'hold on'...
I really do hurt. It sucks. What hurts more right now is knowing he only called yesterday because his mom told him to .. I haven't heard from him since. I'm trying my best not to call or text. But it hurts knowing he doesn't think of me. Or us.
Its almost 2am here. 11pm there. 3 more days. Then. More rejection. I can't win because I still care.

"what have I done to deserve this.."

Sent from my iPhone

Dear John

I wanted to say a few things that I don't have the heart to say to your face. So I thought a letter would do. It's terrible where we are. I'm still not in a happy place. The anguish between us has brimmed to a destructive self loathing that I don't deserve.
I want more. I've always wanted more. And no matter how you say you'll try; you don't. You haven't and you may never. I need love. I need affection. I need attention and acknowledgment .. I need sympathy and caring. I need spoiling. I need to be made to feel alive. Wonderful. Vibrant and desired.
You give me nothing to look forward to. Nothing to be happy about. You rarely make me smile.
I ache to be held. To be kissed. I'd settle to be touched warmly. I ache for passion.
Dear John.
I'm not your wife. I doubt I'll ever be. If you can't be a good boyfriend. A good father. You can't be a better husband. I want someone who will support my ideas and decisions when I have them. I need an active participant in my life. Not someone who is so self absorbed by video games. I support and stand behind everything you do and offer to compromise if it's something you want and I don't agree with.
Dear John.
I love you. I still am in love with you. But I'm here all by myself in this love. And it's not fair. Healthy. Sane. I don't know what more I can do. But I am no longer happy ..
Dear John.
I must let you go.
You never wanted me to begin with.

Sent from my iPhone

I wish I had found this sooner.

***Know that you are perfect right now.

Every single relationship you have is a reflection of how you feel inside about you. You are a magnet attracting to you all things, via the signal you are emitting through your thoughts and feelings. Every relationship you have and every interaction with every person, is a reflection of your own thoughts and feelings in that very moment.

You can completely transform any relationship, no matter what it's like right now.

To transform every single relationship you have in your life:

Fall in love with YOU!

Make lists of hundreds and hundreds of wonderful things about you. Keep adding to it every day.

Know that you are perfect. Do not think any negative thoughts about you.

Know that you are worthy and deserving of anything and everything you could possibly want in your life.

Focus on the wonderful things in every person. Look for only those things.

Do not blame or criticize anybody, ever.

Set an intention that you are going to see the best in everything and everyone.

Make your happiness the number one thing in your life. Happiness is an inside job.

Free yourself of the responsibility of trying to make other people happy. Respect and love them enough to allow them to take care of their own happiness.

Get your attention off those things in others that don't make you feel good.

Appreciate and love yourself in every moment you can.

Do not expect others to behave in a way you want, so you will be happy. Release yourself forevermore and know that you alone control your happiness and it is a choice, no matter what anyone else is doing.

Love and respect yourself completely.

Know that you are perfect right now.***

In a life where all you can do and focus on is someone other than yourself, it's hard to be this positive all the time. When it's you being half of a whole and that other half isn't helping you feel any better or asks any questions, or neglects you, how can you, half of a whole, expect to feel whole, or feel good.

We can never truly be complete with ourselves. That's why we have mates, that's why we seek companionship and partners. I don't care HOW fulfilling you think your life is, you need someone there. At your side. I need someone. At my side.

Insignificant

"..a broken down cloud just hanging around.."
Another day my daughter gets to see me cry .. And she asks "mama.. Are you alright"

No I'm not honey. I'm sad.
And she hugs me.
He gives me less and less reasons to stay. And I'm running out of excuses why I can't or won't leave. If I could I'd lay here and cry some more and hope to die ... But my child will notice.
Sent from my iPhone

He made me feel

Wonderful. Pretty
Sexy in a word
Wanted like never
Before. Free as a bird

Loved and admired
Not drenched in tears
Great affection through no voice
It's been years

Lively and needed
It's been so long
Have I been trapped in a lie?
Is my love wrong?

He's not mine
But he made me feel
Complete and whole
...he made me feel.

Sent from my iPhone

A week

.. All by myself. Great. I guess. I'm alone a lot to begin with. This should be no different.
Be strong...I wish I could but he depresses me so.
Be adventurous...he kills my desires for anything.

"let's go shower together. "
"...no"

"..have fun on your trip." and I was done. I want to cry but I expected this. To be turned away. A week. Now he's watching porn..

Maybe I'll avoid his calls ... ignore his texts if there is any. And he won't care. A week to be depressed and be reminded of how really alone I am.
Sent from my iPhone