Predator

8.21.04

Fangs of steel
Soul of night
You're one with the shadows
Forever out of sight

Padded claws so silent
Eerie eyes of callow hues
I know the way you look at me
But in the dark I could never see you.

So wicked in the dark
So silent you wait
When I fail to look and know not
It's my life you wish you take

Carnal and wanton
Gracefully unseen
You're a figment of seduction
And bestiality in between

Inhale the air
Test the sounds
My heart's racing faster and harder
Because your lust and desire knows no bounds

Waiting and watching
Innocent to know
You're no longer my lover, my friend, sweet animal
You're my most feared foe.

Oh mercy me

I'm back. And I'm in a semi-good mood. Why?

Jason. Again, I don't know how he sees me, he's a married man with a family.
His wife is NOT white therefore will rip him a new asshole if he did anything out of bounds and I would never wreck a happy home.
But him saying "Stop avoiding me, I've looked for you when I'm on but haven't seen you." made me smile tonight.
Conversation wasn't long and about the usual. Netflix. Dexter. Work. and our Kids.

I guess it's the novelty of someone wanting to see and speak to me. Makes me feel good. In an innocent way.

Is this how he feels when girls flirt with him?
When he flirts back?
Is his as innocent as mine is?
Bleh.

I can't even let myself enjoy this. FML!

I just want to use your love, tonight.

I don't know why I find music so appealing. I lay blame on my parents. Music surrounded them almost 90% of the time. We loved to dance, to sing, to have a good time and expressed it. And that didn't change with age. I can still remember going over to my parents for my Dad's birthday on Christmas Eve when we didn't decide to have a party and just cutting loose with Michael Jackson music blaring. Drunk as skunks. But not stupid. (not completely). Sometimes ..we recorded our fun. And somehow, those videos are unfound today.
They've vanished.
And then I get lost in thought.
Last week we were toasting my brother's 27th birthday and talk of wedding came up. I believe I was dicussing fashion with my mom for an upcoming event we have this weekend, Chris' friend is getting married. And Chris, of all people said that having a bar alone would put us in the red. His family, mainly his mother's side, loves to drink. There's never been affair attended when she didn't drink. Her brother is the exact same. Maybe it's the irish blood that lines their veins. Maybe it's to run away from their lives. Maybe they ..just enjoy it that much.

Who am I to say.

The weekend of the 4th I took him to my cousin's home for a small BBQ and fireworks. While there they played some...cultural music from Trinidad (the island that I'm from)...
It's music mainly played at weddings. I made a small joke and said if we were to ever get married I would want a group like that. He nodded and let it roll off his shoulder, I assume.

The two weeks prior, at his mother's home where we had Jaiden's 2nd 2nd Birthday Party (we had thrown the first 2nd Birthday Party at the apartment the weekend before), I was making coffee for my mom, Chris and my brother's girlfriend with the help of his mother. While in the kitchen, he came in. Seeing all the cups he asked "Who are these for?" his mother's reply? I don't know if he even heard her.."Well this one is for you, one for your mother-in-law and one for Jimmy's girlfriend."....my jaw hit the floor instantly. But I couldn't look at him. I couldn't ...

I know ...What am I getting at?
I don't know. Part of me wishes he'd taken that step so long ago, so much would have been avoided. But then again, if it is who he is, it might not have been. I'd not just be a girlfriend who's able to just walk away. I'd be bound to him by marriage, by law. But as the law can make it, the law can break it, right?
I guess if he'd taken the risk so long ago I wouldn't have this much hate, this much resent for who he is today. For what he does.
If he does what he's doing today I'd be just as hurt, regardless of being his wife or not.

I harbor more than anger, like I imagine he does.
We've both created monsters of who we were. Isn't that cruel?
I had it in me to walk away before Jaiden, why did I let him pull me back. Why did he wait all those years? Why did I stay after all the lies. The mistakes, I ask myself over and over. And I can't come up with an answer that surpasses or makes the only one I have sound so childish and naive. "I love him." or should that read 'I loved him.' now?
I don't know.
My actions, my constant suspicion is so unhealthy.

I was asked if he ever saw the things I write what would he say?
My reply to her?
He'd hate me more than he does. He would nod his head and agree that he is all those things and has done all those things and he'll walk away. He's never been one for confrontation of any sort. Very passive. In every way.
I might have misjudged his complacency for understanding and caring.
I might have misjudged his patience for not caring.
I might have been wrong from the start because I wasn't looking for the bad in him ...just the good.

But I was young and foolish.
And every time I look at him I get foolish all over again because I just can't own up to the fact that all of this might be my mistake.

Full of insecurity.

The last thing I need is more of that. More questions. More issues. I had a dream last night that had me searching the web for something I hadn't done in a while. At least not after I had our daughter. STD screening and testing.
Chris has always said he'd never pay for sex.
Which means he'll never have a hooker. Doesn't mean when he's wherever he is, others won't simply 'give it up' in whatever form he might deem, trouble-free.

After the first time we crossed this juncture and I was lied to, made to feel bad about my own desire to be tested and being positive for something good of the bad, and knowing he'd never do it himself or if I asked, simply because he'll say he never has time. I took it upon myself to look for free clinics that do them.

Unfortunately none are close and their schedules as so twisty.
But I looked nonetheless.
I have no insurance. Yesterday's doctor visit alone costed almost 200$ out of pocket for what i could pay 20$ in a co-pay.
So I called a friend. One who I knew would 1. Keep it between us. 2. Go with me. And 3. Stay with me. I need to know I'm safe. Because if I'm not.....so help me God....he didn't just put me at risk.
And I don't know what I'd do.

Update = Made the appointment but I'll have to go alone. The time I got was before my friend could be out of work. Never the less, at least I'll know.

The dream...

I have a lot of fears just like the next person. Failure. Loss. Hopelessness. Depression. Etc. Etc.
It's there all the time whether I want to admit it or face it. Why?
Aside from the cliche "there are No guarantees in life" ... I can't control someone else's free will.. I can't change their mind. I can't make their decisions. I can't force them to go my way.
The only thing we can do in this journey is hope to find the people who will walk the path with us, by our sides. The ones who leave along the way will be thought about but why stop for them. Hoping they would come back? They will find you if they need to. Never underestimate the capacity of people to let you down. It's unavoidable. If they care enough, they will find a way to let you know. Or at least they should.

Sent from my iPhone

Sick

I got that terrible sun burn.
Now I think somethings wrong.. My face is all swollen and I have a fever with some throat discomfort. All I asked for was some attention. Take care of me like I do for you. I had to beg for company for 2 minutes. Now he's back on the computer, he just doesn't get it.
I'm trying not to be taken to the er because I have no insurance. No meds. He is lost on that computer while I'm feeling completely horrid.
"do you need anything?"

No .. I asked and was forgotten.
I feel terrible and he doesn't care. Yay me.

Sent from my iPhone

Hypocrite.

Habits are learned, not born with. And I hate people who allow others' actions and mannerisms to rub off on them, myself included.

My father has been a huge influence on mine and my brother's lives. He was never an absent parent. A loving and caring father. His personal ventures aside, his way with his friends (few) and his relationship with his wife, my mother, and his own family, he was there for us. He made sure we knew he would be there for us whenever we needed him. For whatever the deed.

As a child I saw a great deal of physical abuse and anger.
It seems to be a trait that branched from him to us. His mannerisms, a man who thinks it's his way or the highway. An individual with a strong and over powering personality that he was far from a follower. A leader or a loner.
My mother did everything for my father. Cooked, cleaned, brought him his food to his hands as he sat waiting. Catered to his every whim. If he needed clothes, she bought it. His favorite meals. She did it. He had a gruff way about him when he thought she was drawing out of line.

My brother, now 27, is the exact same way.
Today he pissed me off and I'd had it.
He has a new girlfriend. A first that he would acknowledge as his girlfriend.
In the past he'd never ever get himself caught up in any relationship that required him spending more than one night with the same girl.
He made people feel inferior to him in his speech, his actions and his wants or needs. I recall him saying "I like to push to see what i can get from a person, how much I can get before they say 'no' then I move on."...
If it doesn't happen his way when he wants it, how he wants it, he tends to make that person feel like complete shit, like he was the one let down, regardless of the reason.
He's a giving person. Yes.
Kind hearted. Yes.
Strong minded. Very.
Selfish? I wouldn't call him selfish. Or greedy. I don't have the right word just yet.

He's very pig headed, and stubborn, and seems to think everyone MUST follow his lead or get out of his way.
If you can't do it here, now, go away.

My current qualm?
I have 2, really.
I refuse to talk about my personal trials and tribulations with Chris to him. Why? He's an angry man. But in his drunken stupor he WILL say something over the top to Chris and a fight will ensue. He preaches, but he doesn't practice.
Before the girl he's with now, he was after a friend of mine.
She's my age. I didn't like it. I made sure my friend knew that as well as he. BUT it wasn't my call on their decision. She knew he wasn't looking for something solid and he knew she's a single mother or a young girl. A persons' past should never speak for who they are now. She used to carry herself in a not so unavailable way.
And other guys, my brother's friends included, took advantage of that every chance they could.

Needless to say, I found out about 'them' on Christmas eve of 09.
But like any woman would, she was falling for him and he wouldn't have it.
So he started stepping back..without letting go. Wrong of him but done nonetheless.

She soon wised up after she said she couldn't handle it anymore. She's a mom. She wants and deserves better. More.
So she left. And I was glad she did.
I look at it like this. My brother is my brother but he's also a man. And I have little respect for men who treat women like objects of want and nothing more.
YET if something happens to me, he's the first in line to kick some ass.
I don't get it. He treats other girls with disrespect, but he won't let it happen to me.
It baffles me.

It's almost 2 years later now.
That friend is married (her reasoning was one I didn't like at all) and living with her husband who'd moved in with her several months after my brother and her parted ways.

My friend.
I've known her since high school. As I said, she 1. had a best friend who was the biggest neighborhood slut you could know ..so she got her name dragged through the mud simply by association. And soon, she lived up to the reputation that she was dragged into.
Had a child with a loser of a man who can neither pay child support or hold on a steady job. He's constantly taking her to court to decrease his child support payments.
He's currently with his new girlfriend who is also pregnant.
Before I was pregnant, we spent a GREAT deal of time together, so being that she was always around because of me, it was easy access for my brother.
After I had Jaiden and they broke up, so to speak, our time dwindled because my brother was always around and she didn't want to risk running into him.

A week before she got married, I was aware that he was texting her while with his current girlfriend and his under the knowledge of her being married to her now-husband.
She lied and told him they were already married. Why? Because he wouldn't leave her alone. His words?
"You would do it if you knew you wouldn't get caught."
"You have a girlfriend, I am married."
"So?"
..and she'd leave him alone. She'd ignore his requests. THIS WAS AFTER..she'd already sent him a picture. She said it was to get him to 'leave her alone'.
Really?
Didn't work. Because he wanted more.
So she panicked and called me.

All the talking, all the complaining...but I was never to know anything, at all. If anyone asked, I knew nothing. I wasn't supposed to confront him or mention to anyone what I knew.
And I didn't mind. It wasn't my place to be invovled more than I was. Maybe not at all.

When she kept saying no, she said he resorted to threatening to blackmail her.
I told her to 'call his bluff'.
Why would someone in a relationship, who wants to HIDE the fact that they want to 1. cheat and 2. break up a marriage, choose to want to blackmail. It won't work.
She said that because of his constant contact, she pushed to get married asap.
I didn't like that idea.
At all.

The girl he's with now, she works hard - he is currently unemployed.
She pays all the bills and I know he contributes.
BUT the way he talks down to her ALL the time. The way he sits and waits while telling her "Find me a snack." or "Make me dinner."...it's so disrespectful.
Whenever they're around ...They are ALWAYS fighting because he takes EVERYTHING with a great assault. As if everyone's words are challenging him.
If we go out, same deal. It's the couple who can't go out and have a good time and are always fighting about the stupidest shit.
It's embarrassing.

To her.
To him.

So yesterday they're here. I had let him know that what he did to my computer was bringing up an error message. He said he'd stop by later to fix it. Fine.
30 minutes later, no phone call, no text, he's here. I'm, of course, busy so he's forced to wait.
His fault.
In their waiting, once again, they're going at it because he thinks if he makes her feel foolish in front of us he looks like the good guy. Mind you, they're here with a friend as well. So I remind him. 1. My daughter's asleep. 2. He's in MY house and it's RUDE to tell me not to get involved when he's talking to her. I agreed, it's not my business, but he should take it outside. Go home. I don't give a fuck, but not here. I didn't remind him that EVERY time they're together he's a jackass to her.
Every time we go out he's an asshole.
He said I should ask him to leave and he'd not come back. I said it was his choice. But I'm asking him to respect our home. Act a fool outside where people can see and know you're an asshole.

He's just as good an adversary as he is a bad enemy.
I hate how he treats the people in his life.
I hate that he thinks its always his way or no way.
One day he'll be alone because everyone around him will see past that tough loud exterior for who he really is. And leave.
And that will suck.