I find when I talk about things without being allowed to over analyze them, I may get a better perspective of what I may be doing wrong. I know I have a habit of wanting to be right. (so he says).
"I'm not a perfect person.."
This song is the epitome of how he makes me feel. I know I've made mistakes. I've said things in anger and hurt and I can't reverse any if it. I can't erase the pain .. The wounds words leave behind for I have many ...
I spend a great deal of time talking to someone who, under any good circumstance .. I might have never met. She allows me the space and time to just release whatever energy I need to.. Be it positive or negative.. And she bears with me. She doesn't sugarcoat any if her advice or opinions ..for that I'm glad because when I talk to her I take my 'handle with care' sign down ....
She has nothing to gain or lose if I choose to listen or turn a deaf ear to her. Unbiased. But she is and has helped me in an extraordinary way. I do try to never be overbearing because everyone has their own troubles to handle.
I lose myself a lot and when turmoil finds me before I find myself I turn to her first ... I don't know why. I needed her in the beginning. It's Been a lil while and though I stumble around a fair deal still ... I'm trying to cope on my own.
She knows how grateful I am for all she's done for me but I feel the need to say my 'thank yous' every now and then.
More than a stranger
Less than a friend
I didn't know what I was doing
You let me voice what I couldn't have otherwise penned
More than a stranger
Less than my friend
I feel greedy for stealing your time
But without you I'd be at wit's end.
More than a stranger
Maybe a friend
The days carried on with our words throughout the hours
I found a familiar voice whenever I hit 'send'.
More than a stranger
Maybe my friend
I've never met you
But this was closer than I'd intend.
More than a stranger
Just like a friend
Just like a woman; me
One I never thought I'd befriend.
Far from a stranger
From your point of view, I don't know where I stand
I don't know much except you're there for me when I need you
If with no words, but with an unseen friend's comforting hand.
-7.611.
2.07am
I know I'm not as strong as she is.
Maybe one day I will be.
Whenever I think back of how this became, it ails me. To know just what lengths I went to to find out who she was. And why she was. Which was, nothing at all, nothing harmful, that is. At her own accord. Not his.
I enjoy the fact, as morbid as this may sound, that the miles that separate us don't matter ..our problems are more oft than not, similar, but unique to the individual dealing with them. We are, two different people, of course.
I know she shares with me. I feel proud of the fact that she does.
I feel, less of an exile when we speak, rather than sitting here in this small apartment with the one person I love second to one, more than life itself, and infuriates me in the same breath, more than anything.
I find solace in just knowing, someone so far away...cares enough to not leave me on my knees when I didn't need a hand, but just a voice to urge me upward and forward.
I wasn't seeking anything.
But I accept the encouragement she brings me.
Thank you Sharra.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Just because
..you made me smile doesn't mean I forget all the rotten things you've done. Do. And will do.
A song doesn't make it all better.
One night doesn't fix what seems like a lifetime of errors.
I tried to forget. But as it stands, I can't.
I'm trying to move forward and I can't.
The person I am when I'm with you feels like the person I knew. When we're alone.
The person I'm with isn't who I knew back then. All the time.
Movies will make me cry but isn't not my life.
Songs will make me reminisce but it won't change anything.
My words...you'll never hear because you're never really listening.
A song doesn't make it all better.
One night doesn't fix what seems like a lifetime of errors.
I tried to forget. But as it stands, I can't.
I'm trying to move forward and I can't.
The person I am when I'm with you feels like the person I knew. When we're alone.
The person I'm with isn't who I knew back then. All the time.
Movies will make me cry but isn't not my life.
Songs will make me reminisce but it won't change anything.
My words...you'll never hear because you're never really listening.
Try
He said try not to take it personally when he finishes with porn.. But if you're never with me how can't I? You never want me. You ...
I hate you ...more and more. Day by day.. I hate you so much ...
I hate you ...more and more. Day by day.. I hate you so much ...
Sent from my iPhone
Dying inside
Literally in tears "try.." he says. I happened to catch him, yet again watching lesbian porn this morning and once more the sense of dejection and the reminder of how many times I get rejected comes to mind. When I spoke to the second woman.. She asked if we have sex.. I think I lied because I said yes. We don't except if he's in the mood..
We have sex twice a month at most.
I asked him if he finishes when he watches porn. "on occasion .." yet I have to beg and be turned down so many times. What about my needs?
I hate myself every waking moment...
Every day I have to go through this hollow hell.
So used.
"is it me?"....
"no"....
"so why am I rejected..?"....
"I don't have an answer for you."
I can't hold on like this...
We have sex twice a month at most.
I asked him if he finishes when he watches porn. "on occasion .." yet I have to beg and be turned down so many times. What about my needs?
I hate myself every waking moment...
Every day I have to go through this hollow hell.
So used.
"is it me?"....
"no"....
"so why am I rejected..?"....
"I don't have an answer for you."
I can't hold on like this...
Someone else has to love me better than this ..
Someone else needs to want me better than this..
I can't hold on anymore. All the lonely nights in an empty bed. The wet pillow cases. The loveless motions and vacant words. Someone wake him up or save me before I fall to unmendable pieces...
Sent from my iPhone
I let it go
You get the luxury of sleeping to whatever time you want. You don't make breakfast for any of us. You don't cater to my needs if I'm sick. Or hers. I only gave you the same reminder you gave me. She's two. But I do everything for her. I can't trust you to even feed her if I leave for a few hours because I have in the past and you STAYED asleep while she wandered awake. Wet. Hungry. You're irresponsible when it comes to your child.
I get it, you were hung over, but I was sick from bad food. Didn't matter to you. If it were up to ME, she wouldn't still be wanting it because I wanted to stop when she was 1. But you insisted she was too young and she could have it a while longer. Well, she's 2 now. And I FEEL it's time it's gone. I didn't ask your opinion. Not once. It's time. I'm mom. I'm the primary caregiver, shit taker, do-it-aller. So it's not your call. So if she wants to cry and scream and have a fit, she can. Doesn't mean she can have it.
I don't care if YOUR need to have quiet is bypassed by my sticking to my guns and saying "No!" to you. because just how you can say "I don't care." ..neither do I. About your feelings.
She's having a tantrum. Let her. Are YOU going to fix it when it worsens and she wants other things? No. You aren't. You're never around. You're never the one to teach her a DAMN thing. You rarely, barely, if ever pay any attention to her. You don't have the right to say much now.
*rant*
(this is what I wanted to say today but didn't*)
..I'm well aware you don't care if she'll be fine without it. But just like you can tell me 'She's only 2' you need to be reminded that too when you flip out when she turns off the computer while you're playing a game. Or she loses an item from your wallet that YOU GAVE HER to play with. So because she wants to cry her eyes out because she can't have something then fine. But she has to understand the meaning of no. The pacifier is not a reward. It is not something to give her to make her shut up. It's not 'cold turkey' as you put it. She's fine without it all day and have gone with out it for numerous nights. She can do without it. THIS IS PARENTING!
*/endrant*
You can't bail your own laziness out by giving in to her every whim. Sorry. If I have to be the badguy ALL the time then so be it. I'm not wrong. I gave in for a whole year. She's a child. If I fold now, she'll know to have a fit and win every time. NOT. WITH. ME.
And I'll say no to you too.
You're obviously not with me.
So you're against me.
If you can't back me up on something SO simple, then I expect nothing more from you in the future when it comes to the bigger things.
How's she gonna learn anything about values. Morals. Manners. You're gonna be like every other dirt bag dad and 'BUY 'your way through parenting.
I let your mom fuck up once with me. Not gonna happen again. Not gonna happen with you.
My kid.
My rules.
Fuck you.
I get it, you were hung over, but I was sick from bad food. Didn't matter to you. If it were up to ME, she wouldn't still be wanting it because I wanted to stop when she was 1. But you insisted she was too young and she could have it a while longer. Well, she's 2 now. And I FEEL it's time it's gone. I didn't ask your opinion. Not once. It's time. I'm mom. I'm the primary caregiver, shit taker, do-it-aller. So it's not your call. So if she wants to cry and scream and have a fit, she can. Doesn't mean she can have it.
I don't care if YOUR need to have quiet is bypassed by my sticking to my guns and saying "No!" to you. because just how you can say "I don't care." ..neither do I. About your feelings.
She's having a tantrum. Let her. Are YOU going to fix it when it worsens and she wants other things? No. You aren't. You're never around. You're never the one to teach her a DAMN thing. You rarely, barely, if ever pay any attention to her. You don't have the right to say much now.
*rant*
(this is what I wanted to say today but didn't*)
..I'm well aware you don't care if she'll be fine without it. But just like you can tell me 'She's only 2' you need to be reminded that too when you flip out when she turns off the computer while you're playing a game. Or she loses an item from your wallet that YOU GAVE HER to play with. So because she wants to cry her eyes out because she can't have something then fine. But she has to understand the meaning of no. The pacifier is not a reward. It is not something to give her to make her shut up. It's not 'cold turkey' as you put it. She's fine without it all day and have gone with out it for numerous nights. She can do without it. THIS IS PARENTING!
*/endrant*
You can't bail your own laziness out by giving in to her every whim. Sorry. If I have to be the badguy ALL the time then so be it. I'm not wrong. I gave in for a whole year. She's a child. If I fold now, she'll know to have a fit and win every time. NOT. WITH. ME.
And I'll say no to you too.
You're obviously not with me.
So you're against me.
If you can't back me up on something SO simple, then I expect nothing more from you in the future when it comes to the bigger things.
How's she gonna learn anything about values. Morals. Manners. You're gonna be like every other dirt bag dad and 'BUY 'your way through parenting.
I let your mom fuck up once with me. Not gonna happen again. Not gonna happen with you.
My kid.
My rules.
Fuck you.
Sent from my iPhone
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Weird
It's how I've been feeling the past few days all for different reasons, I'm sure. Last night was maybe the one that stuck out the most.
I should start a few years ago. I met him in what I would ca 'the prime of my life'. When things were right. It was way before I met Chris or Mike. We went out on a date or two. Tall. Handsome. Just home from the marines. We talked alot online. If we had pursued it it may have been something good. Our last date was a bittersweet one in that my innocence was still intact.
And he was very understanding.
We remained friends via the Internet .. I watched him meet his now wife. Saw their son and we kept in touch after 7 years? Maybe so. We were young. We've made plans to meet. Have our kids meet but it's not worked out. As it stands now, we talk online still. A lot. Almost always about our kids, relating parental stories and advice. He's currently an at-home dad as his wife's a nurse at a hospital burn unit. He reminds me a great deal of Chris at times. Also. I never told Chris how Jason and I met. He doesn't need to know that past. But he knows we talk now. I enjoy relating so much about our kids and having someone to talk to who understands a long day of chasing tails with a happy toddler. He's very intelligent but there's something about him that keeps me on MY side of the street, so to speak.
We never whine about our significant others or share arguments we've had.
Mostly the positive go told.
As I said. We talk via facebook chat. For hours. And I've never hid it. If I laugh and Chris asks "why?" I will share who and why. I've never erased our chats since face book auto saves them to your message archive...
But last night we were talking about how Netflix has removed 'Dexter' from it's lineup. I'd recently read that they no longer show all the seasons of certain Showtime series so as not to lose paying customers from Tv. They only offer the first two seasons to get you hooked. So we were amidst the second season of it. Today I get on to watch another and...no more Dexter was there ...I mentioned it in passing to Jason as he'd caught me online. So he proceeded to school me in downloading them for free and streaming via the playstation. He went moment by moment patiently with me. Our conversations were always fun and progressive and never inappropriate in any way. No flirting of any kind. As far as he knows, we are both married at home parents.
But as our conversation transgressed last night he went looking for a way to erase that message archive in FB. And he found it. Said he had nothing to hide but based on the fact that he was telling me how to pirate movies, if seemed safe and logical to him.
He said "archive bothers me .. It's not delete. It's put some place I don't know and fuck me with it later" truthfully it made me laugh.
In the past we made plans for him to bring his son to Jaiden's birthday party 2 weeks ago. His wife would be working. But the day before, he left me a message via facebook saying she came home sick so Jonah was at his in laws and he was cleaning so's not to get sick too.
Yesterday we made plans to meet at the local park with our hubbys and kids but my parents had her tonight so I saw no need to go. But at the end of our last talk via facebook he ended the conversation with, And has never done before, a heart.
So .. Maybe I'm reading too much into it. Maybe I'm not and he doesn't think he did anything wrong. He may just see me as a friend he talks to on the regular and feels comfortable with...
But I got scared..
And I don't know why.
I should start a few years ago. I met him in what I would ca 'the prime of my life'. When things were right. It was way before I met Chris or Mike. We went out on a date or two. Tall. Handsome. Just home from the marines. We talked alot online. If we had pursued it it may have been something good. Our last date was a bittersweet one in that my innocence was still intact.
And he was very understanding.
We remained friends via the Internet .. I watched him meet his now wife. Saw their son and we kept in touch after 7 years? Maybe so. We were young. We've made plans to meet. Have our kids meet but it's not worked out. As it stands now, we talk online still. A lot. Almost always about our kids, relating parental stories and advice. He's currently an at-home dad as his wife's a nurse at a hospital burn unit. He reminds me a great deal of Chris at times. Also. I never told Chris how Jason and I met. He doesn't need to know that past. But he knows we talk now. I enjoy relating so much about our kids and having someone to talk to who understands a long day of chasing tails with a happy toddler. He's very intelligent but there's something about him that keeps me on MY side of the street, so to speak.
We never whine about our significant others or share arguments we've had.
Mostly the positive go told.
As I said. We talk via facebook chat. For hours. And I've never hid it. If I laugh and Chris asks "why?" I will share who and why. I've never erased our chats since face book auto saves them to your message archive...
But last night we were talking about how Netflix has removed 'Dexter' from it's lineup. I'd recently read that they no longer show all the seasons of certain Showtime series so as not to lose paying customers from Tv. They only offer the first two seasons to get you hooked. So we were amidst the second season of it. Today I get on to watch another and...no more Dexter was there ...I mentioned it in passing to Jason as he'd caught me online. So he proceeded to school me in downloading them for free and streaming via the playstation. He went moment by moment patiently with me. Our conversations were always fun and progressive and never inappropriate in any way. No flirting of any kind. As far as he knows, we are both married at home parents.
But as our conversation transgressed last night he went looking for a way to erase that message archive in FB. And he found it. Said he had nothing to hide but based on the fact that he was telling me how to pirate movies, if seemed safe and logical to him.
He said "archive bothers me .. It's not delete. It's put some place I don't know and fuck me with it later" truthfully it made me laugh.
In the past we made plans for him to bring his son to Jaiden's birthday party 2 weeks ago. His wife would be working. But the day before, he left me a message via facebook saying she came home sick so Jonah was at his in laws and he was cleaning so's not to get sick too.
Yesterday we made plans to meet at the local park with our hubbys and kids but my parents had her tonight so I saw no need to go. But at the end of our last talk via facebook he ended the conversation with, And has never done before, a heart.
So .. Maybe I'm reading too much into it. Maybe I'm not and he doesn't think he did anything wrong. He may just see me as a friend he talks to on the regular and feels comfortable with...
But I got scared..
And I don't know why.
Sent from my iPhone
Friday, July 1, 2011
It looks like rain
Am I too critical of him? Too silently judgmental? If the day comes and we ever get married am I going to be one of those nagging wives? Ugh for a Friday my brain is on hyperdrive because I have weirdest feeling somethings about to go .. Not right
Sent from my iPhone
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