Chris died

He died 5 months ago. Maybe longer. My head knows he's gone. My heart is broken. But I know he'll never come back. So I have to carry on with life.

I need someone to love me.
He's got to be tall.
Not obnoxious and loud.
I want him to not smoke. Or smoke mildly.
Family and future oriented.
He wants to do things with us.
He makes me feel special.
He buys me flowers for no reason. Light drinker.
Great laugh.
Sociable but I'm the apple of his eye and my daughter is the other.
I want him to be proud of me, my daughter.
I want him to be a hard worker and a strong provider.
His lady and kids are his focus.
He's got level headed friends.
A prosperous job.
He's smart, and charming.
He's spontaneous ..
He's a leader. So I don't have to be in charge.
He's kind hearted and generous.
He's protective.
He has to make me feel safe.
He has to make me feel wanted, sexy, adored.
His hobbies involve friends or family.
He's one of the guys.
He's admired and respected.
He wants to take care of me, and grow old with me.
I want him to come home to me every night and be happy it's me. Not anyone else.
I want silly letters or songs to say he cares.
I want him to defend me.
....incomplete.

Sent from my iPhone

Reset

..."I want you." as plain and simple as those words are, they did two things. 1. They sparked a fight between us and 2. They were questioned by someone who had no right to question it at all.

Walter texted me sometime last week. I know he's got a new job that requires ridiculous hours. It's a waiter job I think but his shifts aren't consistent. So he texts me Friday I think, and I'm asleep. But when he woke me, I told him so. All the endearing names he called me, the way he said things. He was being sweet.
And it rose my concern. He asked me to text him the next day because he had to talk to me. It was important. Asked me to promise him I would. Anyone who knows me know that I don't make promises at all unless I KNOW for certain it can be kept. So I said I would. And I made good on it. Saturday we talked for almost the entire morning.
He was asking my point of view on a girl in his life. He wanted to tell her he was in love with her. He said he saw himself wanting to spend his life with her, growing old with her. But he didn't want to ruin a friendship if he told her how he felt. Now, part of me thought it was me. But I didn't say anything. Because Walter HAD told me already how he felt about me a few months ago and it was just as Chris and I had broken up. I was devastated. So I shot him down. I never saw Walter as a potential interest. I told him that. I was clear with my feelings.
I was also blinded by my love for a man who didn't love me back.
But Walter understood and never spoke a word of it again.
But that day; the way he was speaking about the girl he wanted to come clean with.
Recently single, mother, sane, they get along fine. Bf turned out to be a douche bag.
She lived not far from him.
So I spat it out. "Left field question but is this person me?"

Granted there was more said. He was shocked.
BUT he said no. YET he carried on to explain why it wasn't me.
The fact that he had accepted that Chris was the only one in my eyes, my heart was in his pocket. He accepted that chasing a woman in love with someone else was futile.
I told him that what he did and when he did it resulted in an answer any man would have gotten ...You don't declare love to someone who just lost the one person they'd give their life for. Someone they invested heart, soul, a future into. But I had to let go of Chris. I told him that every day I tell myself Chris doesn't want me and with that in mind, I don't yearn, I don't reach. He lost out on a once in a lifetime love, something that's so rare that he'll never find it again.

After lots of explaining ...he said he was shocked. As if I'd reset his thoughts. I assured him that he shouldn't allow anything I said to change his mind. He should pursue the girl he was after, if in fact there was one.
We talked the next day and he said he hadn't spoken to her til a few moments ago. Again, this is after moments of him getting home from work. Just as he was texting, I happened to fall asleep. And his texts didn't get read til last night and the realization of what he had said hit me.
He said he wanted to tell her but she'd fallen asleep on him but he'd decided to tell her how he felt. So here he was, telling me he was going to talk to her, and I'd fallen asleep. And his text said he couldn't tell her because SHE had fallen asleep.
Ever felt that feeling - That feeling of talking to someone about another person when in reality you're discussing you?

But he disregarded it when I asked.
BUT he did ask me about my Facebook posts.
I didn't give him the right answer.
I told him it was part of lyrics of a song.
Truthfully? It was for Chris.*sigh*...
I'm still chasing ghosts.
Saturday night's fight was spawned from Chris texting to ask "Who do you want ..:P"
Really? I was enraged. Why? YOU KNOW ITS YOU.
He said he didn't know who it was. Yet into the fight he said it was a cutsie question I blew out of proportion. Ok, so you knew it was you, lied about knowing because you wanted me to SAY it was you. I told him he was being a douche. Because he was.
The next day I told him "I know you don't care but wanted you to know I love you."
His reply? "Why do you constantly assume that. It's one of the reasons we fight."

I didn't answer. Why? It wouldn't matter if I'd said "Because you never tell me otherwise."

I wish he would just ....I don't know. I just don't know anymore.
I love him ...still.
I just don't know how to shut him out. Because he SEEMS so unaffected by EVERYTHING.

Even though he says he's miserable and not happy and he's lonely and hates it, he just sits here. Yesterday his game log showed him playing games ALL day.
How do you just...live like that while the world goes right by you?
34 with nothing.
And when you do something, you're investing time with some college girl or some married woman.
Jamie = the college girl he talks to all hours of the night or day.
Mary = the married ex. gf of his friend who now lives in OK. The one he called annoying. The one he says DOESN'T have his number.

And by talk I mean text. Yet the woman who loves you ..you ignore. You disregard.
The one who accepted you and everything about you, who didn't try to change you but tried to wake you up to being an adult, a parent, a father, a husband even, you cast aside.
For what? A child and a woman who doesn't understand the sanctity of her OWN marriage or children.
Then again, I could be off because I don't know what they're talking about ALL DAY LONG.
And the college slut? All hours of the night AFTER midnight. No self-respecting girl does that unless she WANTS a little more than talk. Just thinking about it disgusts me.

Fate has an odd way of handling things like this.
He said he believes in fate.
But he's ignoring it.
Just like he ignores everything else.
So I'll wait til fate takes everything away from him and he's left with nothing.

Just ...God help me. Help me, help me, help me understand what I'm supposed to do. Because I'm lost again. He unravels me when I think I'm making progress. Just...bring him in or kick him out completely. I don't know. I just don't know. But please, help me.
Everything else in life is great ...and I use that word loosely. My heart is a mess. Has been for YEARS.
Please. Help.

I know what it's like to love and I feel as though I've spent all my life waiting to know what to be loved is like. You gave me glimpses but never the whole view. I want the whole view.
I want the wow. The chase. The courting. The sleepless nights and counting of minutes til he can see or speak to me again. I want the calls, the texts, the flowers, the UNCONDITIONAL love. I want the eagerness of his decision to propose, the ring, the
I want everything Chris was supposed to be.
Here's the selfish condition: I want it...from Chris.
I want my life with him.
I want my dreams with him.

I laughed yesterday too because I went out with my daughter to a birthday party.
I felt the change in the atmosphere as soon as I walked in. His eyes were just lodged on me. I could feel it.
The entire time.
And as I was saying my thank yous to the host and hostess, she tells me her brother-n-law was asking about me. He was interested in asking for my number. She said she'd urged him to but he said he couldn't because I was with my daughter.
I asked his name.
She caught herself just as she was about to say it.."Chris..."
"Are you fucking kidding me..." was my response.
She said he lived in Brooklyn, nice guy.
I said "That's nice. Tell him I said hi, then."...but we both knew it wouldn't work. I have a hard enough time getting to 10 miles away from my house. Brooklyn is far fetched.
But see the karma?

SMH - ...I don't want anyone else. No matter how I try, how I twist it, how it turns, the nights, the days, I just don't want anyone else but MY Chris.
Find a way, please.
I can't live like this. I can't function on this level.
You didn't make me to go on like this.
You didn't build me to suffer for love.
You built me to love.
I like to think you built me to be loved too.
Help me, please.

Shittttt

...I've been doing alright in everything I can. I've avoided him but I still reply or answer if he calls or texts. I don't ever reach first. I keep phone calls shorter than desired. And replies via text just as.
I.
Am.
NOT.
Your.
Friend.

I don't want to be.
I won't let myself be shoved into the friend zone.
You have a shit ton of friends who don't give a shit about you. I KNOW I don't want to be the friend who does. Better if friends if nothing else? Fuck no. I'm not the friend you slept with for 5+ years and had a daughter with. Lived with. Shared a ..well, what would seem like a 'life' with.

Lately I've been riddled with pain from my ulcers. Yeah, I'm too young to have them but nevertheless, I do.
I had them when I was younger because of my depression.
And I drank a lot more than I do now. My diet was different as well. My job was just as stressful. But my depression was severe. So now here I am with the same crap about 7 years later. Maybe more. I just have to keep getting myself up and dusting myself off.
Personally? I wish I could say I felt I've been doing a good job. But I feel I could be in a better place.
I'm torn between that job if I'm offered it.
I'm torn between staying here and that commute.
And again, it's not just me. It's me and my daughter.
Chris has somewhat fallen from my priority list.
I still think of him daily. I still worry about him. And I still think about including him in things. But I don't reach and I don't act.

Do I still love him? You want an honest answer? Yes. I do. With every fiber in me I do.
Ask me why? Hehe, I still couldn't tell you what's to love.
He wants to live like a 12 year old. But has the dreams of a man.
He wants marriage, a family, a house. He goes to work, wakes up late repeatedly, eats like a boy with the appetite of a man, plays games all night and sleeps all day when he's not working. If he could swing it he'd be out more but he can't afford it.
34 ...and no aspirations. No ambitions. At least none he acts upon from what he says he wants.

I saw him Monday when he dropped Jaiden off. He called Wednesday night but I didn't answer at first. But after looking at the time, and knowing it was Wednesday, I thought he wanted to see Jaiden. So I returned the call. But he only asked how she was. I kept the conversation light and short. He texted yesterday morning to complain about work. And then again last night to tell me he was at the train station still. Waiting til 11 for the train. He called to say he was on it and that was that.

I don't...quite understand why he does those things.
OH. Caught him in a lie too. A new face popped up on his face book. So I asked in an inadvertent way who she was. Turns out she used to live in NJ and used to date a friend of his. She's now living in OK and married to someone else. BUT he said she's annoying. She's always leaving him messages on face book. None visible so I assume private.
I said "At least she doesn't have your number so she can text you as much. "
He said Oh..noooo.." butttt. I know she does. I have access to his phone bill and I know her number. :) *stalkerstatus*

A minor lie. But a lie nonetheless.
If it wasn't significant it wasn't something to lie about.
But knowing Chris? He probably said something to make this married girl keep texting him ... he flirts and thinks it's ok. Like it's fun and games and everyone should deem it harmless.

I realized, that the next few months may hurt more than I can handle. End of the month is Halloween. We did things together. November is Thanksgiving. Family affairs that won't be shared anymore. December is Christmas. Not together. January is New Years and his birthday. February is Valentines. My first Valentines alone in 8 years. March is my birthday. April is empty. May is Mothers day. June is Father's day. Her birthday. July is the 4th. August and September is empty and we find ourselves on repeat. And that'll make it over a year since we'd broken up.
I guess I'm in for some more nights of crying. Hurt. Irrational thoughts and ideas.
Hell. Next week will be what would have been our 5 year anniversary. He won't remember. So it won't phase him. Me? It'll kill me.
*sigh*
I had hoped we would have worked out by then. But I guess it's not supposed to happen like that.
My plan? Avoid him til next Wednesday - because if he wants to see her then, he can. I'll try HARD to not answer his calls. And well, texts....I can't avoid. I don't know why. I can't ignore people. Unless I lie and I can't lie. I don't like it. I don't see the reason to 99% of the time.

I pray still. Daily, because I find myself talking to God as if he were beside me often. I pray for my family, for myself and my daughter. And I pray Chris finds us again. And finds his way back to me ...soon. Half the time I hate him so much and I want him to just go away but in my heart...I hate his actions and I wish they weren't reality. There's no real fix to this. We live apart and date? No thanks.(I'm saying no but sometimes that might be the only way to get where I want to be) We move in together in March when my lease is up and work on something for September when his is up?
I wish I knew. I wish I had the blueprints for this part of my life in front of me. I wish God would ..well, he's doing enough. He's keeping me afloat. And for that much I'm grateful. SMH. I just want Chris back. As much as I hate to admit it, my heart does. And I'll keep saying it til it's something I don't feel or til it actually happens.



 

It seems like it's so much

...between the two jobs I have now, and looking for something full time, or even considering taking on another part time job is making me tired. The very thought of it wears me out. And the big part of it is ...my daughter. What do I do if I can't have her with me. Shuffle her from family member to family member?
If I go for this manager's position, here's numerous things to consider.
1. I'd have to wake up really early to beat the traffic since the business is located in a very congested, college area. It's only 20 minutes away but because of its location, 20 minutes turns into 2 hours of complete chaos.
2. I'd have to have Jaiden with me for the 8-10 hours most of the week. The days my mom gets off, I can definitely leave her with her.
3. Winter driving in that is going to be HELL.
4. The pay might be better.
5. Benefits might be involved.

There's another place I'm applying to today. Things to consider?
1. It's right across the street from my apartment.
2. If the pay is better than $8.00/hr it's definitely something to consider.
3. I might be able to keep Jaiden in the office with me. I might not.
4. My rent will be reduced since I would be an employee.
5. It might not be full time.
6. It might not have benefits if it's not full time. And the rent reduction issue might be conflicted.
7. No matter the weather, I can get to work!

My aunt, the one who got me the job at RWJ and the one who told me about the job across from my home, said she would come over and stay with Jaiden any day she could so I could go to work. And as much as I appreciate that, I HATE having to schlep my kid around from home to home, job to job. Depending on people. "It takes a village to raise a child." - those were my aunt's words, but regardless, I feel like such a douche.
Again, working my ass off and I can't spend time with her?
And then even thinking of CONSIDERING working all 3 jobs?
All for the money.
It's so much. For both her and I. Yes, the savings would be phenomenal.
Yes, I'll be doing well. But at what cost?

Yes, it would be short term, once again.
Because in January, I can look into putting her into school without her asshole father. BUT I would be the one taking her to school at 8am and then picking her back up at 12pm. And even then? WHAT do I do with her if I can't keep her in the office?
If God can throw me all these choices, he's either testing my direction or, doing it for a greater reason. In the back of my head, I want the job across from my house and I want to be able to have Jaiden there with me.

4 out of the 5 days she'll be with me, maybe even 3. Perhaps less if I take my aunt up on her offer to stay at my place with Jaiden while I'm at work, or until she has to go to work.
I'm not against working hard. Never have been. I once did 2 jobs for about 3 months for the money. Trying to save up so I could move out again while I was dating Chris. I wanted my own place while he was still living at home.
I only gave up one of the jobs, despite how good it paid because I began falling asleep at the wheel. Working 6am-4pm and then 5pm-11 or 12 at night almost every night eventually caught up to me. BUT I didn't have my daughter then.
Now? I have a child to consider. I have bigger priorities aside from my wallet. Right now I'm juuuuust making it. Barely, really. And that's no way to live, in all honesty.
I've got my fingers crossed in hopes I can get the job and have the 'luxury' of having my daughter with me when I have to. It's not a busy place but it's a place of business. She's not 10, she's 3.

If I had to choose, I'd go with the one across from me rather than the manager's spot ..because the location is better and I wouldn't have to sacrifice much getting to work in bad weather.
I pray God shows me a way in making the right choice. And I hope he cuts me a break when it comes to my daughter. The cold I can deal with. Waking up early I could maybe deal with too. But the snow? Fuck no. The traffic. Double fuck no.

Annoyed

I should be sleeping but I'm not. I hate the fact that everyone says I should stay away from you. And I have. And it's killing me. And I hate that you don't tell me you miss me. Not even that you love me. But you don't miss me at all and even if you do? You don't tell me.
You just delve into those games like they can help.
I hate these feelings.

Sent from my iPhone

Not quite.

It's been a rough few days as it seems. Well, for me anyways. Staying away. Having him mess with my head with simple questions that, to any other person, would mean more than it is. Why? We aren't friends. I don't want to be his pal.
I don't want to go to the movies with you if you've got no one else...
But see, that's the thing. You do. You can go with Chris, or Billy even. Or your brother.
But you chose to ask me. Why? If it's not a date, then why? Comfort?
If you aren't going to be making out with anyone during or after the movie, should it matter?
I mean, I should look at it from a different perspective. If he wanted to do that with someone else, he could easily ask someone else. Not me.

Either way ...we never went. I didn't plan on it but you had the courtesy to call and say we had to reschedule because you didn't feel well. I appreciated that.
We had gotten into a huge fight over the child support crap too. You weren't going to give me the full amount. Kept putting it off. Last week, this week, Saturday, Maybe..I'll see ..I'll check my account. You're not getting all of it.
Who do you think I am?
What do you take me for?
So I said if I didn't get it this weekend, I was calling the court first thing Monday morning.

After some angry words, nothing mean, though, you called and apologized, even after texting that you were sorry.
I appreciated that too. I wasn't going to answer. But I did.
It's like...you're fighting with everyone, including yourself and the only person you really direct it at, is me.

When you came over, I know you were jealous.
I also knew you were coming to ask for Jaiden. And I'm glad she wasn't there. But you lingered. And then said you'd be back. But lingered some more. You asked me to go food shopping with you but I inadvertently declined. You didn't want to go alone, and Jaiden makes it fun ..I make it..not as fun but fun nonetheless. I'm also not a 3 year old toddler.
I still tell you I love you from time to time, as if to remind you that I do, especially when we fight. Because I want you to know that whatever is happening between us doesn't change how I feel.
Even it's me telling you I won't be taken advantage of or put up with your lazy bullshit, as far as payments go. I will go to court if I have to get the money. Everything I've done and will do will be with love, out of love. But I won't be walked all over. Especially if you choose not to be part of my life.
I can't love you any less. It seems like it grows daily.
I don't know how much truth lays in that. I could just be stupid.

But I am receding from you.
I don't give in as easy when you ask things of me anymore. Movies? Shopping?
Hell you even asked me to meet you while you were out last night. You were literally, 2 minutes away but I said no. I didn't want to go outside. Truth is, I would have been there in a heartbeat. But I didn't...
Again, it doesn't change how I feel about you at all. I love you just as much now as I did before.
I just know...a little better.

You were complaining when you'd called to apologize.
Something about your job I couldn't hear clearly.
About your parents not getting off your back, your sister too.
About them wanting you to take the fish tank, like you really want or need it? I can see you letting those fishes die. You're only doing it so Jaiden will like it. But it's fishes.
And then about money. How you can't save anything. Because after you put money in her fund you're hit with another bill or something. And you got declined for another credit card or something.
Welcome to life, Chris.
Welcome to wanting to be on your own.
Welcome to being something like an adult.
I know you go to your parents often because it's food you don't have to buy or pay for. I do it too. because I really cannot afford it.

But you haven't made much attempt to change your habits. You don't sleep. You stay up all night playing video games. You call at your convenience to see Jaiden. Always the SAME day of because you're in the area. But you fail to see that when you do that, I will turn you down.
I can't make it so easy. Every other weekend means that. If you tell me today that you want to see her Tuesday? I'll say ok. Because I got some notice. But don't call me when I'm working to ask if she's with me because you wanted to take her with you food shopping. Don't come over because you think she's here and you can take her with you. Don't call to ask if you can have her for a few hours when it's NOT your weekend when you really wanted to take her with your family for your Dad's birthday because your mom and sister pressured you to.
Your sister - what a pathetic waste of space.
I still can't believe they took your dad out to dinner and THEY (your parents) paid for it.
When we were together, I still offered to pay some of the bill but was always declined.
Yeah they took everybody out for whoever's birthday. It was a nice gesture when it happened.
I was always grateful and said my 'thank you's.
But your sister?
"Hey, let's take Dad out for his birthday, but you guys will pay right Mom? You'll pay for you guys, Sean, Becky, oh and my kids, and my husband, and me of course, and well Chris too."
Stupid bitch.

And now that his Dad has been let go from his job, I can see shit getting rough.
He said they're recarpeting the house ..I suggested that maybe they plan on selling it. He said it would take at least a year if in fact they were. And then if they were moving, looking for a house. It's all a really long process. I took his word for it since that stuff isn't something I follow ..

It doesn't add up - been recently fired and redo-ing my house? Been looking into homes in Florida. He said the bid they did put in on the house was declined. So they didn't get it. BUT maybe they did put one in they didn't say about, and maybe they are trying to sell their home, faster than they're saying. I don't know - it's just speculation on my part. Things have happened before with Chris being the last one to know.

I hate the space between.
I hate the distance.
I hate that you're doing this.
And I hate that you won't fix it.