That's how it feels at times. Intense. Intense uneasiness. Intense tiredness. Awkwardness. Laziness. Listlessness. Even work. So many babies. Intense baby fever. If I see a cute little bundle I fall to pieces. I know it's the wrong time to have another child. We are not married. I have no insurance. I'm in no hurry. But it's just that overwhelming sense of. Intense.
I can't wake up early enough but I don't sleep enough. I don't get enough done but there's nothing to do. Confusing in every breath.
Sent from my iPhone
Monday, April 30, 2012
Monday, April 23, 2012
A headache
I guess that Guinness was not a bright idea. I guess I can't do the WHOLE bottle in one night anymore. Or maybe I wasn't in the mood. I ended up getting a headache midway through the bottle. I guess it was emotion and feelings that overwhelmed me because I wasn't enjoying my almost always enjoyable drink. I haven't indulged in weeks. And after all the crap I'd been enduring I felt this was due. But it was just something for me to think all into.
He's awake ALL night claiming he can't sleep. BUT he pops some percocet and he's FINE. AND THEN goes to bed at 7am. Sleeps til 3pm when I have to leave for work. So now, he's up when I leave til I get home at 8...8.30. Depending on the night. And once I'm home, he's back in bed asleep or sleeping when I arrive, I'm awake. I clean. I cook. Now..by the time all that's done, I'm tired and ready to ass out and guess who's UP. It's an ongoing vicious and pissing-me-off process that I'm hating every time it happens.
Or on my days off (which haven't been often lately, thank god) he does the same thing, only chooses to sleep MORE. So I'm supposed to be the understanding one who has to adhere to his injury.
I don't want to say I do everything because I don't. But it just feels so overwhelming. I feel so stifled.
He does try.(I'd like to be shot in the face for the excuse) He unloads the dishwasher if it's done, he has cleaned up after I've cooked and gone to work.(once) That caught me by surprise. He's given Jaiden her baths - which he has made one ROYAL mistake ...he left her in the tub and claimed he went to go get her clean clothes for after the bath. And somehow the tub overflowed. I have a carpeted...or should I say HAD a carpeted bathroom. Now, it's tiles. because the water ruined the carpet. So he left her for however long, which was very long considering it's a BIG tub, alone, it overflows. Ruins the carpets. He removes the carpets ..uses CLEAN towels to sop up the water and then LEAVES the now dirty wet towels on the carpet by the hamper.
I didn't find it til the next day when it started to smell. So I took it outside to let it air dry before adding it to the laundry. It doesn't take rocket science to know wet on carpets = mold = have to remove carpet = costs money.
It's stupid shit like that that pisses me off. Or the better one, where the hell was he for so long that the tub overflowed. Why'd he leave her alone that long. What if she had drowned. We have 1 bedroom and it's right across from the bathroom. If your crippled ass can't focus ON HER then don't do it. So with all those questions it just leads me to believe he lied about what he was doing. And the only other thing he could have been doing, which is the only thing he HAS been doing is playing on the game.
No matter how much I try it's just...it's too much pressure. And one person shouldn't have to deal with such a headache because of someone else's mistake.
He's awake ALL night claiming he can't sleep. BUT he pops some percocet and he's FINE. AND THEN goes to bed at 7am. Sleeps til 3pm when I have to leave for work. So now, he's up when I leave til I get home at 8...8.30. Depending on the night. And once I'm home, he's back in bed asleep or sleeping when I arrive, I'm awake. I clean. I cook. Now..by the time all that's done, I'm tired and ready to ass out and guess who's UP. It's an ongoing vicious and pissing-me-off process that I'm hating every time it happens.
Or on my days off (which haven't been often lately, thank god) he does the same thing, only chooses to sleep MORE. So I'm supposed to be the understanding one who has to adhere to his injury.
I don't want to say I do everything because I don't. But it just feels so overwhelming. I feel so stifled.
He does try.(I'd like to be shot in the face for the excuse) He unloads the dishwasher if it's done, he has cleaned up after I've cooked and gone to work.(once) That caught me by surprise. He's given Jaiden her baths - which he has made one ROYAL mistake ...he left her in the tub and claimed he went to go get her clean clothes for after the bath. And somehow the tub overflowed. I have a carpeted...or should I say HAD a carpeted bathroom. Now, it's tiles. because the water ruined the carpet. So he left her for however long, which was very long considering it's a BIG tub, alone, it overflows. Ruins the carpets. He removes the carpets ..uses CLEAN towels to sop up the water and then LEAVES the now dirty wet towels on the carpet by the hamper.
I didn't find it til the next day when it started to smell. So I took it outside to let it air dry before adding it to the laundry. It doesn't take rocket science to know wet on carpets = mold = have to remove carpet = costs money.
It's stupid shit like that that pisses me off. Or the better one, where the hell was he for so long that the tub overflowed. Why'd he leave her alone that long. What if she had drowned. We have 1 bedroom and it's right across from the bathroom. If your crippled ass can't focus ON HER then don't do it. So with all those questions it just leads me to believe he lied about what he was doing. And the only other thing he could have been doing, which is the only thing he HAS been doing is playing on the game.
No matter how much I try it's just...it's too much pressure. And one person shouldn't have to deal with such a headache because of someone else's mistake.
You can't step inbetween
I don't have any knowledge of the know-how in getting Chris' mom to kinda, back off. Since the whole thing with his injury I've eased my way back because they always manage to schedule appointments for his doctors when I have to be at work. And it's not like my schedule changes week to week. it's the same 4 days. Same 4 hours on those 4 days. So what gives. And I can't ASK for the doctor appointment to be fixed around MY schedule. Because it feels wrong to do something so selfish.
This injury is his fault; I feel that way strongly. He doesn't take care of himself. He doesn't understand the consequences of the things he does in life. Doesn't it bother him that he can't play with Jaiden? That he can't do much of anything.
So throughout this process, his mother has been his chauffeur to and from doctor visits which could be scheduled at any given time. She drops off and picks up his prescriptions. And as I'd come to find out they plan on talking to a lawyer about suing the other driver's insurance company for any bills pertaining to Chris' accident and medical statements, she'll be taking him to that too..
She goes on and on about how he should get his affairs straight, handle his bills, or at least let me do it and then she turns around and just pays it for him. Like it's just THAT easy. Write a check. Take care of it all. BAM.
I just hate that she's always around now. I can't stand it because she's never up to much good. She steps on my toes and acts in a way that she feels I won't trace back to her, not that I'm looking for a path back to her. Not to mention when she's doing all this crap for him, I have to either rely on both her and Chris to take Jaiden and make sure she eat OR they have to be back in time for me to go to work. On almost every occasion, either Chris, her, or BOTH have been late arriving to pick up or get ready.
SO I'm getting jammed either way.
I haven't been late to work yet but it's bound to happen.
and I can't say anything because I'll be the wrong one. The one inbetween.
This injury is his fault; I feel that way strongly. He doesn't take care of himself. He doesn't understand the consequences of the things he does in life. Doesn't it bother him that he can't play with Jaiden? That he can't do much of anything.
So throughout this process, his mother has been his chauffeur to and from doctor visits which could be scheduled at any given time. She drops off and picks up his prescriptions. And as I'd come to find out they plan on talking to a lawyer about suing the other driver's insurance company for any bills pertaining to Chris' accident and medical statements, she'll be taking him to that too..
She goes on and on about how he should get his affairs straight, handle his bills, or at least let me do it and then she turns around and just pays it for him. Like it's just THAT easy. Write a check. Take care of it all. BAM.
I just hate that she's always around now. I can't stand it because she's never up to much good. She steps on my toes and acts in a way that she feels I won't trace back to her, not that I'm looking for a path back to her. Not to mention when she's doing all this crap for him, I have to either rely on both her and Chris to take Jaiden and make sure she eat OR they have to be back in time for me to go to work. On almost every occasion, either Chris, her, or BOTH have been late arriving to pick up or get ready.
SO I'm getting jammed either way.
I haven't been late to work yet but it's bound to happen.
and I can't say anything because I'll be the wrong one. The one inbetween.
Damn it these updates
It seems like all the right words come at all the wrong times and once they do come, fate would have to erase whatever it is and leave no trace behind. I think the last thing I'd put that was yanked off the face of the virtual word was pertaining to Chris and his accident and now his injury (and the previous ones) and the lack of change.
4.22 update since god knows when I actually started this.
It's going on alike, a month and a half since Chris' injury and about a month or more after his accident. The truck has since been fixed and now we are JUST finding out he had injury from the accident on TOP of whatever injury he had to begin with.I know in my head how I feel. I strongly believe all this bullshit that we are dealing with now, is his own fault. Why? He didn't and NEVER bothered to go to the doctor whenever his back did hurt in the past. He's always complained about back pain over the numerous years I'd known him and begged him to see a chiropractor. But did he lay any heed to my words? No. Not then and still not now.
He never considered calling one for a consultation even. He just let the pain come and go as it has over the years.
Thinking about it from my point of view is, YOU HAVE INSURANCE. I DON'T ....fucking use it. I'd kill to have insurance. It saves me a small peace of mind. I felt a little bit better when I HAD insurance.
So he was on his way to work, with a hunch back of sorts because as anyone who's HAD a sciatic nerve injury KNOWS what to do. How long I'd been telling him what it was. he didn't listen. So while on his way to work (which he plans on denying when this comes up in the lawsuit his parents plan on pursuing), someone hits him. OH OH. AND. HIS drivers' license was expired. Now mind you, this accident happened in MARCH and his license had expired in JANUARY. So I'd been telling him it's a 30 minute driver there and back, 10 there, 10 inside, and 10 on the way back. Just go early. 2 months later of not listening and me stop talking, he lands the accident and a ticket for having an expired license. So he ended up with a court date which is tomorrow ..and guess what? He's NOT going.
This might be the most racist thing I'll ever write but it MUST be good to be white.
4.22 update since god knows when I actually started this.
It's going on alike, a month and a half since Chris' injury and about a month or more after his accident. The truck has since been fixed and now we are JUST finding out he had injury from the accident on TOP of whatever injury he had to begin with.I know in my head how I feel. I strongly believe all this bullshit that we are dealing with now, is his own fault. Why? He didn't and NEVER bothered to go to the doctor whenever his back did hurt in the past. He's always complained about back pain over the numerous years I'd known him and begged him to see a chiropractor. But did he lay any heed to my words? No. Not then and still not now.
He never considered calling one for a consultation even. He just let the pain come and go as it has over the years.
Thinking about it from my point of view is, YOU HAVE INSURANCE. I DON'T ....fucking use it. I'd kill to have insurance. It saves me a small peace of mind. I felt a little bit better when I HAD insurance.
So he was on his way to work, with a hunch back of sorts because as anyone who's HAD a sciatic nerve injury KNOWS what to do. How long I'd been telling him what it was. he didn't listen. So while on his way to work (which he plans on denying when this comes up in the lawsuit his parents plan on pursuing), someone hits him. OH OH. AND. HIS drivers' license was expired. Now mind you, this accident happened in MARCH and his license had expired in JANUARY. So I'd been telling him it's a 30 minute driver there and back, 10 there, 10 inside, and 10 on the way back. Just go early. 2 months later of not listening and me stop talking, he lands the accident and a ticket for having an expired license. So he ended up with a court date which is tomorrow ..and guess what? He's NOT going.
This might be the most racist thing I'll ever write but it MUST be good to be white.
Just for the moment
12.14.11
So after a firm...scolding, if you may, from my dear, Sharra via text, my head has wandered less and less about the "When?" question. Honest to God, she's been my fail safe time and time again. I can't count the times she's helped me chase after my head and lob it back on right for me, with me.
And it's true....I have stopped worrying. Why? One thing she said. "It isn't right, right now."
She's right beyond the simplicity of those words. And I'm sure I can argue that after so many years ..right now should have been years before and right now, is now or never. But I, in all honesty, agree that ...it's not fair to think that way. He's been kind, lately, been generous and ...better at understanding. I think our ties are better now than they've been in a long while.
04.23.12
But sometimes when you look at the good the bad always out weighs it or it just makes the bad that more obvious. It might just be ignorance on both sides. But it's just for the moment.
So after a firm...scolding, if you may, from my dear, Sharra via text, my head has wandered less and less about the "When?" question. Honest to God, she's been my fail safe time and time again. I can't count the times she's helped me chase after my head and lob it back on right for me, with me.
And it's true....I have stopped worrying. Why? One thing she said. "It isn't right, right now."
She's right beyond the simplicity of those words. And I'm sure I can argue that after so many years ..right now should have been years before and right now, is now or never. But I, in all honesty, agree that ...it's not fair to think that way. He's been kind, lately, been generous and ...better at understanding. I think our ties are better now than they've been in a long while.
04.23.12
But sometimes when you look at the good the bad always out weighs it or it just makes the bad that more obvious. It might just be ignorance on both sides. But it's just for the moment.
Sunday, April 1, 2012
The good, the bad and everything else.
The good.
He has noticeably changed, some for the good, And with that, when the bad shows, it shows rather boldly. He loads and unloads the dishwasher at times unasked of when I'm at work. He gives Jaiden her bath if I'm at work...I mean, he picks up the basic slack when I'm not around and I guess that accounts for something, right? If I ask it'll get done.
The bad.
He doesn't sleep. He's on the computer or the game so much more than needed. Hours upon hours, sometimes days after days with just a few misplaced (and by misplaced I mean, when he should be awake he's asleep because he went to bed hours before) hours of sleep. He won't crawl into bed sometimes til 7am, and this wake up late for work, thusssss..having to take the day off because going in at 3pm would draw too much attention to him from his boss and he'd only be able to work til 530. simply because he can't be in a store after 530. meaning he can't visit another store after that hour.
So when 7am rolls around and we wake up at 10 or so...he's struggling for rest when his daughter is up and about and wants to play, wants attention.
We can't make plans because he'll not go to bed to wake up on time to get where we need to go. It's a GUARANTEE we are always an hour or more late.
A life can't just be games and the essential drivel to get you through the day.
It can't be working for a few bucks to come home and sit behind a screen.
It can't be spent behind the screen wasting away only to have to alter plans because you got no sleep so you can't go to work because you'll fall asleep while driving (which has happened)or when you park to go into a store (which has happened).
It can't be wasted away behind something that can be picked up at ANY given time and it'll be the SAME.
Will your life be the same tomorrow? Not if you change it.
Will your daughter be the same tomorrow? Nope she'll have learned something new and done something great and you would have missed it.
Will your money multiply tomorrow? Unless you hit it big in the lottery (which he doesn't play) nope...
The good is so few...the bad is getting tolerable but I don't like the level of tolerance I have to put forward...
Everything else might be JUST that. Everything else.
He has noticeably changed, some for the good, And with that, when the bad shows, it shows rather boldly. He loads and unloads the dishwasher at times unasked of when I'm at work. He gives Jaiden her bath if I'm at work...I mean, he picks up the basic slack when I'm not around and I guess that accounts for something, right? If I ask it'll get done.
The bad.
He doesn't sleep. He's on the computer or the game so much more than needed. Hours upon hours, sometimes days after days with just a few misplaced (and by misplaced I mean, when he should be awake he's asleep because he went to bed hours before) hours of sleep. He won't crawl into bed sometimes til 7am, and this wake up late for work, thusssss..having to take the day off because going in at 3pm would draw too much attention to him from his boss and he'd only be able to work til 530. simply because he can't be in a store after 530. meaning he can't visit another store after that hour.
So when 7am rolls around and we wake up at 10 or so...he's struggling for rest when his daughter is up and about and wants to play, wants attention.
We can't make plans because he'll not go to bed to wake up on time to get where we need to go. It's a GUARANTEE we are always an hour or more late.
A life can't just be games and the essential drivel to get you through the day.
It can't be working for a few bucks to come home and sit behind a screen.
It can't be spent behind the screen wasting away only to have to alter plans because you got no sleep so you can't go to work because you'll fall asleep while driving (which has happened)or when you park to go into a store (which has happened).
It can't be wasted away behind something that can be picked up at ANY given time and it'll be the SAME.
Will your life be the same tomorrow? Not if you change it.
Will your daughter be the same tomorrow? Nope she'll have learned something new and done something great and you would have missed it.
Will your money multiply tomorrow? Unless you hit it big in the lottery (which he doesn't play) nope...
The good is so few...the bad is getting tolerable but I don't like the level of tolerance I have to put forward...
Everything else might be JUST that. Everything else.
It just means
I'm distracted so I'm not constantly worried or over thinking things that don't need to be given even a first thought much less the second or third. Engulfing myself with my daughter and my parents, and trying to break Chris of habits that are easily forgiven, avoiding his parents even though they have their own issues and just getting from A to B has been my deal as of late. And by as of late I mean the last few months.
To recap events: To celebrate Chris' brother, Sean and his gf. Becky's birthday we went out to a nice local Hibachi restaurant, then dessert and drinks at their house.
We drew Nikki (Chris' twin sister) and Chris' birthday in with me taking him out to dinner with my parents and brother with his girlfriend and Chris' brother did show up. I know that made him happy. It was an uneventful week seeing as how he got sick the same week, and his mother/sister cancelled dinner plans twice after I'd made arrangements with work for BOTH (but was able to change them since plans fell through). On the third attempt, she put it on a night where she knew I was working and went to a place with peanuts (which Jaiden is allergic to).
So I told her (while I was at work), that she was free to go without Jaiden and I. And I told Chris' have a good time, bring me back dinner. Needless to say they brought me back half of the meal and it was horrible. A couple days later, dinner at their house and again, dessert and drinks. February brought flowers which did make my day, as well as the card. Best card since we first met. Dinner out to a restaurant was never made because we're broke as hell. BUT he did attempt to make me dinner the day before Valentines. He's never done that before.
Completely from scratch...well the sauce was from a bottle and the meatballs were frozen. Lol. But he made the spaghetti, and then attempted everything else. I give it an A for effort if nothing else. It made me smile. AND he cleaned up after.
My birthday came and went with a day before party from my parents. Chris however didn't tell his parents (who should have known anyways) until 9pm ...so after work, I went to my parents, had a beer and just relaxed. Little did I know he was over at his parents (who ran around to grab me a cake, some balloons and a DVD) ...so just because I was in a good mood and didn't want to be bothered (nor did I know all of this was actually going on at his parents' house) I showed up an hour late (I was more leaning to NOT going at all) ...
Why would you just negate MY day from your life.
Maybe I'm not important enough, still.
Maybe it's not about you so it's not enough to draw attention to.
Maybe you're just that lazy.
Maybe ...
And the list could go on for hours. But it's not worth the thought nor the space to note it all after thinking about it.
I turned 30 and to me, it meant I spent a large portion of my life enjoying ME. And then the last 8 years thinking about everyone else BUT me. And only recently did I start thinking of me. And in my head, it sounds selfish. In my heart it feels selfish. I hate thinking about the money I have to save and call it MINE. I hate thinking about the future I have to prepare for because it'll be JUST ME. Nothing's shared, no focus on US or a sense of ...assurance that I'll have someone to lean on and someone to take care of me.
And then I reflect on him. Who does he want at his side when he's at the age that he needs help? Who's he gonna call?
His parents won't be there. Maybe mommy...who knows.
But she'll have her own age to engulf herself into and her own husband.
Jaiden'll have her own life to live. Maybe she'll be in college, or in her career path.
But who is he gonna rely on? Not me.
It just means...I have to start living for me. Because in the end it'll be just me.
To recap events: To celebrate Chris' brother, Sean and his gf. Becky's birthday we went out to a nice local Hibachi restaurant, then dessert and drinks at their house.
We drew Nikki (Chris' twin sister) and Chris' birthday in with me taking him out to dinner with my parents and brother with his girlfriend and Chris' brother did show up. I know that made him happy. It was an uneventful week seeing as how he got sick the same week, and his mother/sister cancelled dinner plans twice after I'd made arrangements with work for BOTH (but was able to change them since plans fell through). On the third attempt, she put it on a night where she knew I was working and went to a place with peanuts (which Jaiden is allergic to).
So I told her (while I was at work), that she was free to go without Jaiden and I. And I told Chris' have a good time, bring me back dinner. Needless to say they brought me back half of the meal and it was horrible. A couple days later, dinner at their house and again, dessert and drinks. February brought flowers which did make my day, as well as the card. Best card since we first met. Dinner out to a restaurant was never made because we're broke as hell. BUT he did attempt to make me dinner the day before Valentines. He's never done that before.
Completely from scratch...well the sauce was from a bottle and the meatballs were frozen. Lol. But he made the spaghetti, and then attempted everything else. I give it an A for effort if nothing else. It made me smile. AND he cleaned up after.
My birthday came and went with a day before party from my parents. Chris however didn't tell his parents (who should have known anyways) until 9pm ...so after work, I went to my parents, had a beer and just relaxed. Little did I know he was over at his parents (who ran around to grab me a cake, some balloons and a DVD) ...so just because I was in a good mood and didn't want to be bothered (nor did I know all of this was actually going on at his parents' house) I showed up an hour late (I was more leaning to NOT going at all) ...
Why would you just negate MY day from your life.
Maybe I'm not important enough, still.
Maybe it's not about you so it's not enough to draw attention to.
Maybe you're just that lazy.
Maybe ...
And the list could go on for hours. But it's not worth the thought nor the space to note it all after thinking about it.
I turned 30 and to me, it meant I spent a large portion of my life enjoying ME. And then the last 8 years thinking about everyone else BUT me. And only recently did I start thinking of me. And in my head, it sounds selfish. In my heart it feels selfish. I hate thinking about the money I have to save and call it MINE. I hate thinking about the future I have to prepare for because it'll be JUST ME. Nothing's shared, no focus on US or a sense of ...assurance that I'll have someone to lean on and someone to take care of me.
And then I reflect on him. Who does he want at his side when he's at the age that he needs help? Who's he gonna call?
His parents won't be there. Maybe mommy...who knows.
But she'll have her own age to engulf herself into and her own husband.
Jaiden'll have her own life to live. Maybe she'll be in college, or in her career path.
But who is he gonna rely on? Not me.
It just means...I have to start living for me. Because in the end it'll be just me.
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