hate...

I have so much negativity in my head lately.
Fortified by being weak. Unable to just walk away.
I hate my life.
I hate my job.
I hate waking up. Eating. Doing anything.
I hate being.
I hate going out.
I hate being alone.
and I hate being with others.
I hate Christopher.
I hate everything.
I wish the earth would swallow me up.
I wish I had the courage to end my life.
because I hate being here.

Lines

Cheshire grin,
a line
He is faking, she is breaking
Waiting in sin
Neither one part taking.

A choice and chance,
that line
None willing to have
Who speaks first, neither
They'll both starve.

They'll both lie,
damn line
And they'll both ache
They'll both live
With this haunting mistake

To reach for,
near the line
To hold, neither can start
Neither willing to risk
The rejection of their heart.

If she went forward,
past the line
He could easily turn away
If he went forward
She couldn't be sure he'd stay.

If they would, they could
erase the line
But neither willing to see
Get rid of the line,
the imaginary fucking line
They'll be exactly where they ought to be.

The universe decided...

..at least that's how I want to look at it. My greed was getting out of control and life said "Wait...no." 
Ethan and I had been doing wonderfully. 
And Chris and I had been doing wonderfully.
And all of a sudden, after 12 hours give or take, Ethan decided to leave. I was angry. And I didn't fight. I just let it go.
Because I guess, a part of me knew it was the better decision.
In his eyes, he felt he shouldn't be in a serious relationship. This after everything he's said and done. 

I guess it's better this way; having him feel like he made the decision and he's right.
Who knows.

I cried. I drank. A LOT. And I think I'm ok.
Still sad. Why? He was great. Just..young. Lots to learn.

I'd been accepted back into the Patrizzo family. Spent Christmas and New Years with them. Chris has been better. So much better. And maybe, this is how it's supposed to be. Maybe.
I just don't know anymore and I guess it's not time to question anything.

Dec. 30th, 11.15am

He gave me roses today
He said it was so I wouldn't cry.
Wipe your tears with their petals, he said
Use their tenderness before they die.

But such beauty they had
So soft and fragile too
To take from them what he said
Was something I couldn't do.

So he held my hand and calmed my tears
Said keep the roses near me so
Should I cry anymore
The tears had somewhere to go.

He kept me safe and kept me warm
A salvation in a man's disguise
Claiming another souls outcast
As a lonely lovers prize.

If anything, situations like these spawn some great pieces.

I feel as though, I've never been a greedy person when it comes to love. I've always only ever wanted one person. And then, I didn't ...I had 2. I had everything I wanted and in my head, it wasn't enough. My heart wanted to be elsewhere ...away from everything I wanted. 

BUT!

As our relationship, Ethan and mines, was progressing, I was giving in more to him. After 9 months I'd finally worn earrings, of which I'd told him "I would only wear when I'm committed to us, to the relationship.", I told him I loved him. 

So ..I gave him everything he wanted. And he still chose to not be with me. So this, isn't a me thing. Which I knew. 

And somehow it feels as though Chris is finding emotions he had a long long time ago. How? He looks at me with eyes I haven't seen in YEARS. He holds me in a way I'd not felt in ages from him. And a kiss. He's more affectionate to me. Not WORLDS more but...for him, it's a noticeable change. 

I think that's why I'm sad, and maybe my feelings for Ethan were in fact, real. I really did love him. I really did care. I wasn't just fooling myself. But I knew we had no future, I guess? 

So losing him hurt, but ...not detrimental, I suppose.

I don't know. I'm just trying to rationalize a situation where no rational is needed. 

Chasing 2 rabbits.

That's what I feel like I'm doing. I'm chasing 2 rabbits down the hole. And I'll be left rabbit less and within the dark of that deep, dark hole I managed to put myself down.
Greed.
And to make it worse, Ethan is talking about marriage a bit more. And he did it in front his mother and older brother. And it of course, has them concerned. And I tell him, and I'm sure he reminds himself too, one day at a time.
I don't want him to regret anything. He's already 21. Doesn't drink. Doesn't party. I want him to have SOME kind of semblance to freedom near and after graduation. And yep, he graduates next May.

He's dealing with a lot and honestly, having a wife, a 5 year old step daughter and contemplating a family right then is NOT the way to go.

Hell, imagine how I feel. 32 marrying a 21 year old? I'll be chastised by EVERYONE. And that SCARES me.

Chris will HATE me. And I can't just forget that or walk away from it.
Right now it's a sucky situation. All in all...
I'm happy but unhappy in the same breath.
And if I give up and just sit, the rabbit I want will not wander far but he'll not stay next to me, and the younger rabbit will sit right by my side. Unwavering.

...blehhhh!

The other part...

As I said, I'm undeniably in love with Chris still. But with no real reason why. And because of the way he makes me feel, his lack of presence...is why I see Ethan as well.

We go out to dinner, we spend great amounts of time together. Why? How? Remember, Chris is NEVER around.

And of course, in both scenarios (more so with Ethan) I call the shots of when we meet, where. How long.

So within that control too, I dictate how physical we are. Or in my case of the last few months, how much we aren't. And Chris and I don't have the time to actually do anything.
But Ethan gives me 90% of what I want and don't get from Chris. The only deliberating factors are...Chris is 35 and Ethan is 21. Chris is Jaiden's father. Ethan is a college lad with a GREAT body and personality, of course.
Chris is established with his home and job (and I say that with great amount of wiggle room).
Ethan has a good job and lives with 4 other guys. Lol.
And....I'm still incredibly in love with Chris.
I like the idea of Ethan because he is what I want. Just not the right package. And well nothing's wrong with his package...
-______- See? Going to hell.

TBC INC.

I don't believe him completely just yet. Part of me still believes he's still looking for what he really wants or what he thinks he wants.
He's been severely depressed over the past few months and then again he's also been very happy.
I was actually invited to his parents' home for the July 4th weekend. That was the first time I'd seen them in 2 years.
He's definitely struggling with a lot. His poor money management has caught up with him. He's fallen behind in bills, rent, in child support. And is now moving in with his aunt. As in they're going to be sharing a 2 bed room apartment.
His aunt's like...50.
My rational behind that was....

She has a grown daughter. Her daughter has a grown daughter. And they don't want to live with her. Her brother (Chris' Dad) has a huge house with just him and his wife and she won't move in there. No, it's not location because they've got the apartment 5 minutes from my home and basically 5 minutes from Chris' parents.

If she can't pay her rent, or her half of her responsibilities...how the hell will he??

And his reasoning behind that is that his settlement from his car accident 2 years ago is nearing resolution so he's waiting on THAT money. It's been pushed back a few times but he's moving in November. They already signed the papers (or so I was told). He's also trying to pursue a different job working for NJ Transit. But I have friends who either work for NJT or have in the past. Chris...I love him to death but he's fucking lazy.

He cannot do that job. He is not reliable or dependable. He will forget. He will be late. With NJT he will be working all the time. Holidays. Weekends, days, nights. Birthdays. It's a great opportunity but he cannot do it.
Hell, he can't pull off a basic 9-5 with the occasional bullshit shifts for PlayStation as is. And a bullshit shift is maybe a weekend or a midnight. He cannot go from that to being on call within 4 hours to be somewhere for a TRAIN to leave on time. Yes it will make TONS of money. And when he speaks of it he speaks of taking care of us, a family. Another child. A home, vacations.

He has ....dreams?
He wants to be a provider. But he's going about it all wrong.

But I won't rock his boat yet. I've shared my opinions on certain things but he's an adult. He will see his choices for what they are. And where they will lead.

It's been forever

..at least that's how it's seemed.
Ha, that's a lie. it has indeed been forever.

I have been consumed by so many things from health, to lack of wealth to just...the myriad of issues and problematic situations a single parent can find herself in. :)

No, I'm not a trouble maker.

I haven't written in a long, long while. A few dabbles on Facebook here and there when the moment strikes me because truthfully, writing on here is more fulfilling from a PC rather than my cell phone. Easy access, yes, but not the same.


Took a look back on the last 3 posts I made. Oh what a trivial time and then torn apart life.
I...I've fucked up. I'm still fucking up.

March til now?

Let's see. Valentines was ruined. But I think, and I'm using that word loosely, I think I saw Chris. Ethan ruined my Valentines. I know that much for sure.

March - my birthday. Ethan ruined that too but it wasn't DIRECTLY his fault. His father basically said he wanted nothing to do with him because of his 'poor life choices as a 20 year old addict.' But little did he know he was no longer that and working on his road to recovery which he is STILL ON.

Chris was caught sneaking into my apartment for my birthday to leave me a gift. <3...a 2 or 3 foot batman figurine. He really does still make my heart melt. And also a poster which I framed and hung on my wall of 70 years of Batman.

April...May...June...I've managed to foster some false idea in my head that it's ok to see them both. I'm wrong. I really am.
Why?
Well. I love Chris. Still. Why? He actually asked me that in June. And I really did not have an answer. But he did say...and we were being quite honest with each other...he said he didn't want anyone else. He didn't want to be with anyone else. He also said he didn't know if he deserved to be loved. I said that wasn't really up to him. It was my choice. Always was.

For the past few months we have...we've made graceful strides in a direction I really liked. But all the while....I've been seeing Ethan too. He gives me everything Chris doesn't. The attention, the availability. The time. The words. The embraces. The comfort.

And I feel like my whole life in the last few months have been a complete lie.
I feel regret. I feel cold. I feel...nothing. I haven't cried about my choices in the last few months as I have in the past.

I say this often "I'm going to Hell."
Everything I want will eventually fade away and I will be left empty and alone.

BUT there's reasoning behind the fact that I feel so little. And this might be the evil talking.
Part of me still doesn't' believe Chris. TBC