Random

Lyrically inclined
Chasing lies
Breaking free by severing ties.

Dreams are naught
Trapped in paranoia
I was mislead by a twisted euphoria.

Cut this wrist
Bursting these chains
Shedding my life til nothing remains.

There goes my soul
I let it go to the wind.
Gone so fast with no time to recind.

Fragile, it's gone
I've sold it for dust
But sold it for love...or was it lust?

Eulogy

She was ...
She hated life. Truthfully.
She loved everyone around her and always gave herself fully.
She felt her place wasn't here or now.
And with life's gifts that was given...her family..her daughter..her many accomplishments and her positive impact on people...she still felt misplaced.

She felt trapped. Lost. And forgotten.
After years of fighting. She finally laid her sword down and let the shield drop. She gave in.

Bleh

Logging my memories
Within the past
Time is coming at me
At a pace far too fast.

Ends are tied
I'm saying goodbyes
Righting my few wrongs
Undoing my final lies.

Letters written
And then torn apart
Saying farewell with a smile
Resting my heart.

No more facades
No more pretend games
No more throwing the lasso
Wild hearts remain untamed.

No dirt to cover
Just ashes to throw
In different directions
This is the world I know.

Fin

I think of death.  Often. I wonder what would happen after I close my eyes ... would I remember? Would I see? ....me.
I envision just seeing everything after as if it were a movie playing out before me.
I don't sleep anymore.
I don't find happiness in anything anymore.
I have decided that I'd rather be burned than buried.
I want a stranger to read my eulogy that I would have already written.

I think about how I could die painlessly but quickly. Pills. Knife. Drinking poison.

I resorted to emailing the samaritans a few days ago.
I stopped writing back because it didn't help.
I feel like I have a lot to say and no one to say it to because no one can help me.

I feel empty.
I feel lost.
I'm lonely.

Bad ideas

What would you have me do
When I hear your name
Than to recall the moments shared
Time that would never be the same.

What would you have me do
When I hear you speak
The sound of your voice unmatched
Years from now I'd still be weak.

What would you have me do
When I see your face
When I'm reminded that my life
For you, has no space.

What would you have me do
For someone I chose to love
For someone who gave me away
I sought solace in skies above.

What would you have me do
The nights I cried helplessly
To find the strength to go on
And all I wanted was to act so selfishly.

What would you have me do
Years have gone on past
I had to say goodbye to you
Knowing that last time was in fact the last.

Falling away

Tonight I surrender
To all the sadness and pain
Fighting through years of hurt
Completely in vain

Tonight the shield lowers
Sword dropped from clutch
Warrior to thine knees
I fall. I've fought too much

Wounds too many
Far too many to keep
None completely healed
I need time to finally weep

I release my armor
I'll devise no more plans
Done leading the battle
The last of my strength within my hands

Mind numb
Heart cold
Limbs broken and worn

Lower the flag
My time is over
I surrender. Defeat is born.

(..I don't really love it .)

Anxiety

My mind is racing
I can't quiet it down
I'm faking that smile
Trapped in my crown.

Upon the terrace waving
The cheers for this face
Inside I'm dying
Its already an unwon race

Make it all stop
Turn down the lights
Make the world quiet
I'm done refereeing my fights

No more pictures
No more scripts to read
Just let it all end
Bring it all at full speed

No more happy go lucky
No more mother of the year
Quitting this game
I need the hell out of here.

Lost in transition

I feel like I lost my best friend. And I haven't had one since I was a child. 6 months. I told him everything.  I opened up to him in ways I never had with anyone else. I just...it was right. But I'm heartbroken. I just can't seem to have the same mind set anymore. And I know I'll be alright. I know I will. It's new. It's fresh. The wound hurts more because I didn't want to fall in love with him. And as hard as I fought it...I did.
And I fell hard because he had all the qualities I wanted in a mate. Just...he wasn't old enough to walk through this thing called Life with me because he had yet to live it. So young.  And if it wasn't for his age and lack of experience in life...we would be perfect.
And I know there's still time...he could come back. But I just am too fearful now to even look that far ahead.
I was his first love. His first time. And his longest relationship.  I understood him. Understood him so well that I knew it was wrong to keep him ...so I let him go.
I let go of everything I'd ever wanted. Because... .of time.
I keep dreaming he'll text me or call me asking me to let him in at some ungodly hour or he'll show up at my job while I'm staring off into the sky from the lobby. And he'll put his arms around me from behind and as much as I would fall apart...he'd hold me. Cry with me.
The idea seemed real. Seemed fitting. The reality of it all was he was too young to make such a commitment because he hadn't done anything to make a choice for.
We just..happened.
....and now I hate what's happening. 

I keep dying to text him. Tell him I need him. God how I need him.
But that wouldn't be right. It would make letting go hard for him ...and healing hard for me.

But...he needs me too.

Love today...

I believe in marriage. I believe that when you choose that person to be with you for what is, in my mind, the rest of your life, you do what it takes. You don't run away - and by running I mean, avoiding conversations, or talking or sorting things out when necessary. And of course the actual form of running away.

I believe that hurdles are deeper and greater than that of the average dating couple. Dating couples haven't made that conscious decision to be together 'forever'. And sadly, in today's lifestyle, there is no such thing anymore. We've made it so easy to walk away.

Maybe that's why I'm 31 and never been engaged or married. Because my mentality and approach for the whole thing is so drastically different than that of the average man or even woman of today.
My mentality for marriage is old school.

In those hurdles you have to keep in mind that you both chose to be with each other, because they were both worth fighting to be with. Fighting whatever problems came your way. Not physically fighting. And not a specific person, although, I would personally fight a man or woman for what is mine and should be mine alone.

Your issues now have to be seen and handled with different eyes. Because it's a form of 'forever' you're caught up in.
I hate that people enter marriage with the thought that they can just walk away if and when they can. Nothing is sacred and nothing is worth the battle.

I hate love today, truthfully. I truly do. Because a love today seems so shallow and foreign. So fake and nonchalant. "Eh, if it doesn't work then you can leave." Why should you carve your mentality on something as wonderful as love to be so vacant.

If I'm not happy I can leave.
Well...what about the other half of that relationship, man? Doesn't that person count?

Did you talk to them to find out that they understood how you felt and understood that no matter how much they wanted it to work, your effort wouldn't be enough to help it along? Did you say that? Do they understand? Because they'd be smart enough to see that one person can't carry an entire relationship on their own. One person can't do all the loving and fighting. And they'll have to surrender to the decision that it's over. And they'll say 'Hey...I don't want to do this, I don't want it to come to this, but I understand that it has to happen because your heart and mind just isn't here anymore...and I have to accept that... I'm sad, I'm so sad, and I'm hurt but...I'll get it."

Those words hurt. But they'll understand and respect you for those words one day.
ONE DAY.
You know why?
Because you said it. You sat down and talked and they heard you and they might be mad, and sad and hurt but they'll understand.

I'm not saying this is flawless as an approach in any way.
Hell, that's the delivery I was given, perhaps a bit colder. "We will never be more than this. I don't want to marry you..." - that was what was given to me a year and a half ago.
But now, I get it. I got it a few months ago and granted I'm still being yo-yod around, I get it. Get it enough to move on into another relationship. Because back then I couldn't fathom being with someone who wasn't him. And now, it doesn't seem so far off.

I wish I hadn't

...I hadn't fallen for him. Because now - I can see he's a child and he isn't cut out for this. Being with someone like me, a child...I feel like it's a repeat of Chris in a younger body.

I'm still glad I never slept with him. Because then this would be 10 times harder.

I'll be fine.

June 3rd

Amidst the night between the lines
Black and white with no greying defines
Amongst the dreams that surface above
We find residence between lust and love.

Where questions rise with no justified end
Where wonder and worry idly find minutes to spend.
Wasted moments in this phase
Are lost in what should be a joyous place.

Haphazard in limbo
Weakened with doubt
Seeking the only decision
The only remedy was to get out.

One without reason
The other hanging into time
Neither waiting to find out
Just what was being left behind.

In silence comes answers
Perhaps a clearer path than before
Maybe there was no other choice
Than to blindly shut the door.

Risk no time and break no hearts
Trapping no soul in the moment now
No ties to break or bridges to burn
Just exit stage left after that graceful bow.

Astrology

Well hello you. It's been a long time. I wish I had a valid reason as to why but I only have some sort of truth. That being I'm avoiding the words of the reality of this shitty ass life.

Sent from my iPhone

Untitled.

Amidst the night between the lines
Black and white with no greying defines
Amongst the dreams that surface above
We find residence between lust and love.

Where questions rise with no justified end
Where wonder and worry idly find minutes to spend.
Wasted moments in this phase
Are lost in what should be a joyous place.

Haphazard in limbo
Weakened with doubt
Seeking the only decision
The only remedy was to get out.

One without reason
The other hanging into time
Neither waiting to find out
Just what was being left behind.

In silence comes answers
Perhaps a clearer path than before
Maybe there was no other choice
Than to blindly shut the door.

Risk no time and break no hearts
Trapping no soul in the moment now
No ties to break or bridges to burn
Just exit stage left after that graceful bow.

Judge me

Judge me

I know I haven’t been on this in a long while. I have had so much going on that I just don’t have the time nor the patience to sit behind my PC and write up my thoughts and ideas. Mainly because I’m afraid of how I’d judge me. Not so much anyone else, but as I said, writing it puts it out there, in perspective, in black and white reality. The words are right there staring back at me. I have this current sliver of self-loathing for myself since Saturday. Or even Mother’s Day. Why? Because I kissed Chris. Or rather he kissed me and I kissed him back.

 It’s been months since we talked. Or even had any kind of contact, much less anything physical. I still know he’s the only one who can do what he does to me. For me.  

Since Ethan started to pursue me, I’ve enjoyed the attention. He’s very loving and sweet. Honestly, he’s the sweetest. He’s also 11 years younger than I. And truly, the only time I pay attention to our age, is when I’m alone. I don’t treat him like a child but he does childish things. He borderlines annoying and irritating. But he’s 19. I can’t fault him for acting his age.
I'm just ..I have my ideas of what I like and what I don't like. How I want things done and all that jazz. I feel unfair to him because I know he feels judged. I don't know what it is but sometimes he really does aggravate me to no end.
A week ago I had to have a very professional conversation with him because he seems to think acting, dressing and talking a certain way because he's JUST an INTERN at my job deems him unaccountable. Wrong. Dead wrong. I told him he has no idea who he'll meet, who is looking or listening to him when he's running his mouth and it can affect him in the future once he graduates. He thought I was using that as a smoke screen for trying to tell him he embarrasses me at work. And you know what, on some level, he does. Because he acts like a child - but I didn't tell him that.

I just wanted him to know he has to treat this as he would anything else he'd hope to get ahead in. He HAS to respect it if he wants the same. He has to dress and walk and act a certain way. And I think he heard me. Because I made sure to assert the fact that it wasn't a PERSONAL attack on him. It was a manager talking to an intern about his habits and behavior at work.

The next day he changed his attire. His actions changed. Granted he still thinks he can hug me at work. Which sometimes it's doable, but most often than not, it's not.
I just want him to understand that in the work field, it's not games and 'sliding by'. Regardless of who he is.
Unfortunately, it was short lived but I can only hope it carries over. He got another internship doing something he likes with another company. So he will no longer be here. I hope he keeps the dress code and work mentality in mind when he goes toward the next step.

We have a lot of deep discussions. And I know it changes how he sees me, and part of me just doesn't care.
I want him to somehow realize this isn't what he needs. I can be a stepping stone for him to something bigger, greater. Maybe someone more understanding and wonderful to him, for him. I think that's also why I haven't slept with him either. I just can't bring myself to. He's not Chris. He doesn't know me, my body, where to touch me, how to touch me, despite how much eh wants to.

Speaking of which, I did however see Chris Sunday on his weekend. We all spent the day together. Him, myself and Jaiden. It was wonderful.
And then again on Monday when he brought her home. He ended up staying longer than anticipated and needless to say, that 8 month hiatus of physical contact from anyone, Chris himself being the past person I was with, was shattered. I couldn't say no and e couldn't keep away. We just fell into each other.

And so now...I feel that self loathing because why? I'm kind of with Ethan, and I slept with Chris. And won't sleep with Ethan. Is that wrong? Am I ...well yes it is cheating technically. And I hate that I've done it. And I keep thinking "But it was with Chris and he's the only one I want" as if those words would make what I did ok. As if it would excuse me from doing it. I just...I can't sleep with Ethan and have it mean something and I don't want to sleep with him and have it mean nothing. To him he doesn't care. He's a guy. He's a horny 19 year old guy.
But to me, it's worlds different.
And to me, Chris is everything ...
I'm torn between having something so great and wanting something so wrong.
It makes me just another statistic, really. I've got a great person who wants to be and give me everything and is concerned with my happiness and well being, and I'm busy chasing after the asshole who doesn't give a fuck.
I can't win. or maybe I can and I just don't want to.
I need patience and resolve for this dilemma. Because I can't keep this charade up. As much fun as it is to always have someone worship the ground you walk on while you're carrying some douchebag on your back, I can't do it anymore. I can't do it to myself or to Ethan.

This sucks.

 

Young love.

There's so much I could say. But really, what else can I say except I think I might MIGHT be sorta kinda over Chris.

Maybe. I might just be caught up in all the joys and excitement of someone new.
Who knew???
Me...finding someone new.
And it wasn't even me. It was all him.
And granted there are many vast differences between us - the biggest one being our age difference. Aside from that...things are awesome. And I'm afraid that with age, that changes. But with every visit, which isn't often, as we're both very busy, every text, which is also not often because ..again, busy. He assures me of a future.
But it's still too soon to tell.

Last night he slipped up and we both heard it ...he said the infamous 3 words. His only reaction as he stuffed his face into the pillow was "Aw fuck..."...
And here's the best part.
It took me some time to hold his hand.
To kiss him.
We haven't slept together. As much as I want to. And yes I want to but that's because I haven't had sex in like, 7 months. I told him I don't want to be 'that girl.' His reply was "You know and I know you are not that girl and will never be."...

He's so young. But he makes me feel wonderous.
God, you've got a wild sense of humor.
You gave me something so amazing in the package of a 19 year old male. Lol.

Fuck....

But he is genuinely concerned with my happiness.
He physically loves every part of me, from the differences of our palms to my 'bony shoulders' as he so 'eloquently' put it.
He's kind.
He's patient.
He's fine with helping me regain who I was ...like, really was.
I love listening to him speak about his jobs, his volunteering, his studying, his goals and aspirations. And I enjoy telling him how wonderful he makes me feel. And so does he. Lol.
He admits he enjoys the validation I give him of how great he is because it's motivation for him to be more, be better - because as awesome as he is, he thinks, get this..HE THINKS HE ISN'T GOOD ENOUGH.

And I can't ruin this. I can't self-sabotage this.
And I feel like I might. And seriously, the best part about all my insecurities and inhibitions is, I can talk to him about it and we can work through it, together. He really does listen and soothe me. He makes it all ok. He makes me forget all the horrible things and how cruel some men are. But then again, I chalk it up to his age, his youth, and his lack of know.

He hasn't been ripped apart by someone he's given his all too and it frightens me that I might be that person to teach him what a broken heart is really like. I don't want to hurt him. I'm trying so hard not to hurt him.
It's frightening how much I like him.
It's only been a few weeks and I feel like I might be more than in like.
But I know better, and my adult mind tells me this isn't love. It might be down the line but right now, it's not. It cannot be.

He says he sees us getting married and having kids. Soon. And when I asked why the rush his response is that he knows if he waits too long, I either won't want to have children or may not be able to. He wants kids of his own. Kids he's 'forged' as he put it. Lol. And he also doesn't want me to be 'too old' when our child graduates high school or college, and then he still wants us to be able to enoy life together. WHAT 19 YEAR OLD SAYS THESE THINGS!!! (the kind that doesn't know)....I feel like crap for feeling that way but it's true.

He feels as though one day Jaiden will be his daughter, so he considers her as such now. When he talks to her he is reminded that one day...in the future she might be his step-daughter and he wants another child.
He wants a family he can share things with and teach and enjoy life with.
These are great things to want. But am I the right one to want them with.

TBC!

...what a life.

I was just staring at my phone saying "I don't want to" but I don't know why I'm here. Writing. Nothing new to say. Nothing to reveal other than a clear and utter miserable notion...I want him to be rejected, hurt, alone, agonized. The very day after I told him to his face I wanted nothing to do with him, the very next day he says he loves me. The day after he sends flowers and then day after that we never speak again until I had to throw him out...he came over with no warning, no call. On my weekend. To take her food shopping at 9pm...I said no. it spurred a fight and I asked him to leave. I didn't ask. I said he needed to go. Since then it's been silence. He took her late on his weekend, after bring me dinner. And we haven't heard from him since I picked her up promptly on Sunday at 5pm.

It was his birthday yesterday...and his mother had the gall to text me and say "it would be nice if Chris got a call from Jaiden wishing him a happy birthday" I wanted to reply to that in so many different ways but I ignored her.

Chris doesn't acknowledge us at all. So fuck him ESPECIALLY on his birthday.

I've been emotionally hurt the past few times because of Jaiden. She says the damnest things..."I don't like when you comb my hair, I like when Daddy does."

"I wish daddy would come home."

"Mommy do you care about daddy?"

"I wish my daddy would come and get me. "

...I can't do this..I can't face those words. i get hurt. MY FEELINGS are too fragile to handle this garbage. I get it. She's 3. She knows what's going on and she's trying to make sense of it too. She's with me all the time. He lets her do whatever the fuck she wants. He's the fun person. I'm the actual parent. The rule-maker. The deal breaker. The law. And it KILLS me when she asks for him and acts like he's so fucking wonderful. I shut down. I get so angry and so hurt, I have to just shut up...because I can't scream and yell at a child. And when I do cry about it she will say she's sorry but she has no idea what she's sorry for because 5 minutes later, she's saying the same fucking shit again. Daddy this and daddy that and I can't...

HE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT HER.

And he knows it. I know it.

Last week his friend was telling me he's been mass texting people to go out bar hopping and clubbing for his birthday. He did the same last night for tonight. 34 years old and he still chooses to live like he's 21.
And here I am carrying this huge emotional burden of a child who wants a person she only knows as 'daddy' and talks to me like I'm nothing to her. Like I don't provide and take care of her, love her and teach her.
When I picked her up she said "mommy Daddy's family loves me, they buy me things. "...
...as if his stupid ass doesn't break my heart enough, I have to hear it from her. Everything I do I've done for her, for us and it feels like it's for nothing. She's with everyone and against me.

...I can't...