i love you

i wish i could turn those words down. i wish with all my heart i could. because i know i can't have you. "yet" doesn't seem like a fair option ...I can't have you 'yet'. in my mind, you don't want me. and it hurts to hear your words repeated ...but i asked you to. to tell me. to be sure. "do you want to be with her?" and you firmly said no. another part of my heart crumbled.
part of me doesn't care what that letter said.
"i had already decided to break up with you the very same day you told me you were pregnant"
..another part of me died.
so far I've cried every day countless times throughout the day.
i want you in my life.
i saw us getting old and grey together.
everything you said in that letter...everything you wanted, i saw it. i loved you 110%. i knew you were my one.

but i guess because it was only me and not us ..that's what makes this hard.
she said i have to give you space. respect your decision. and give you time. not to wait for you.
im just a really bad pretender.
it'll hurt tenfold when you come tonight to give me the rent check. it'll break my heart all over when you start moving your things out. when you turn the keys over.
what am i to do? hide? i'll force myself not to cry in front of you.
i'll try really hard...for you. to make it easier for you to...walk away.

im crushed chris
im so sad.
im so sad you need this space. that you ...are trying to eject me from your heart.
i want to tell you i love you. to call. to text you.

i've read her words so much since the few hours have passed since then and now..
and your words ...are urgently the opposite of what she's saying.
she thinks your letter means you are battling between actually choosing me and being forced to choose me. i'm battling with looking in your eyes as you looked into mine and said "...i don't want to be with you.."

i'm afraid chris...

i'm afraid to let you go and you decide that you want me. as far fetched as it sounds...because once again...your words chime in my mind...and my heart breaks..and it bleeds, and i cry it out..and push forward. i'm afraid that if i ...move on...you...the one thing i wanted for so so long..you'll finally realize it's me and it's been me...and then...i remember your words..and i'm hurt. i'll cry..and push forward.

i'm afraid if i finally let go..you'll want me. and i won't remember your words..and I won't want you back. i won't cry because i want you. i'll cry because you want me and I can't be yours. because i had finally moved one.
once again, it's all so far fetched, you wanting me.
because you don't.

..im scared to not love you. to not have you know i love you.
i'm scared at not being allowed you love you ...out loud.
i miss you.
i'll miss your snoring, your scent, you....i'll miss us.
i'm scared to turn my heart off because ..you need me..you need to know you deserve my love.

i want you. i want to be with you.
i need you. i want you to need me too.

i love you. i want you to love me too.
not ..someone else.
i want us.
because i love us.
..i love you.