I had a terrible dream last night. I know I did. Because it felt like I was crying. I'm unsure if I was. The whole night once I went to bed was a blur. Alone. My daughter on the blanket I left her on outside in the living room.
It might have been the heat.
It might have been a dream of a dream.
I don't know.
We haven't spoken to each other (via text anyways) since Thursday. And even then, ...
"Can you be completely honest with me about something?"
"What's that."
"Are you seeing someone else, or want to see someone else."
"Your mom asked me that very same question. No and no."
"I appreciate you answering me."
And I left it at that..
"Remember, new policy...honesty."
and somehow it meandered awkwardly to your dad telling you to go out for a drink but you didn't want to. And then you said you'd promised Jaiden rides on Sunday. I should have said..."You should have spoken to me about it first." but the fact that you asked if I wanted to come threw me.
I asked who was coming, where? when?
You said your mother had tried to invite herself but you'd told her no. I smiled.
I said yes, I'd go with Jaiden.
Sunday. After work. Either Pt. Pleasant or Keansburg.
Why ask me to come along? Because he felt I wouldn't let Jaiden go alone?
It's possible.
He seems distressed.
Like he wants to try but is so apprehensive. And every time I see or talk to him, I'm scared. because my heart, my eyes will betray what I know should be the right thing to do.
Saturday, June 30, 2012
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
None of it seems right
It doesn't even seem kosher.
After few conversations, each one different from the other. I can only, after talking to a few people, that ...something's off. Something's amiss.
The first time we spoke was Thursday at 7.45pm
He came back to the apartment and I showed him the print outs of what he can do to help us ..despite his decision to leave. He got mad. He got loud and slightly belligerent.
He didn't agree to anything.
That same night he came back and he was able to talk to my mom.
"Do you want to be with her?"
No.
"Are you seeing someone else?"
No.
"...I don't see us in the future together, and I didn't want to be with you." ..he said he'd come back Friday night to pay the back rent. He never showed up.
...these are just some of the questions that came throughout the night and some of the things he said.
I spoke to him again Saturday on the phone. He was working.
On the phone for about 40 minutes. Crying. Saying he didn't know what else to do to find himself. He didn't want to stay but he doesn't want me and Jaiden to move out.
"Why? "
"Do you plan on coming back?"
"I don't know."...
Leaves me utterly confused. He said he would stop by to see Jaiden that day. He said around 6.30 but then texted at 6.30 to say he wanted to have dinner first so another hour would go by.
He did show at around 7.45. He spent time with her til a little after 9pm.
Again said he could only pay July's rent. I said ok.
Spoke to him once more on Tuesday night.
He wanted to come over and take Jaiden to the park. He did show around 7.45 and kept her outside til almost 9pm.
We talked on his return.
"..do what you have to do. Go get welfare, go get government help. You can get it ..you're a single mom and you're a minority. Its why that help is there. "..I was flabbergasted.
And then it came.
"The place I want isn't available til October. So I can pay your rent here til September. After that I can't pay for mine and yours. So you'll have to move out then. I'm mostly doing it so you and Jaiden don't have to move in with your parents so soon. I already started consulting a company for child support.."
And then he kinda rambled about arbitrators and finances. Apparently this was his mother's idea which he AGREED with.
But then when I told him I had started child support papers as well he said .."Well I can go with you if you want. "..confused.
He didn't stay very long after that.
"Do you need money. "
"I don't have any so yes."
"Do you want to go food shopping tomorrow?" but that wasn't answered because it got side tracked by something else.
But he did remind me.."Do I see myself with you and getting married? No."
Why is he being so nice? Why is making sure I can stay here and he is offering all this help. KNowing he wrecked my and Jaiden's life? Shame? Guilt?
He said he got the place he got because it's out of everyone's way. His parents can't stop by. But then he said he wanted to do this so he'd be able to do things on his own. So he'd grow up. "If I do choose you no one else will matter. Not my parents, not your parents. I don't care if they hate me."
His opinions as to why his sister and mother hates me was this: they don't like that I'm not white. That's all he can come up with. They have no other reason to hate me. Other than his mother says I'm rude and his sister agrees.
He said he'd pay the bills and the rent til September. And I can't understand why he'd tell me all he's said then say he'll do that. I feel as though ..it doesn't make sense.
He said this weekend he'd move all his things out.
I said he should do it Saturday when I'm here.
So I can make sure he takes everything of his. (I didn't tell him that)
But I feel something's off. He has the power to pull this right out from under me. He has all the control now. Money control. My home control. Control over my heart. (and it's because I'm momentarily allowing it. )..should I just move now and avoid the ....whatever's coming?
Does he have some kind of hidden agenda?
What am I not seeing?
After few conversations, each one different from the other. I can only, after talking to a few people, that ...something's off. Something's amiss.
The first time we spoke was Thursday at 7.45pm
He came back to the apartment and I showed him the print outs of what he can do to help us ..despite his decision to leave. He got mad. He got loud and slightly belligerent.
He didn't agree to anything.
That same night he came back and he was able to talk to my mom.
"Do you want to be with her?"
No.
"Are you seeing someone else?"
No.
"...I don't see us in the future together, and I didn't want to be with you." ..he said he'd come back Friday night to pay the back rent. He never showed up.
...these are just some of the questions that came throughout the night and some of the things he said.
I spoke to him again Saturday on the phone. He was working.
On the phone for about 40 minutes. Crying. Saying he didn't know what else to do to find himself. He didn't want to stay but he doesn't want me and Jaiden to move out.
"Why? "
"Do you plan on coming back?"
"I don't know."...
Leaves me utterly confused. He said he would stop by to see Jaiden that day. He said around 6.30 but then texted at 6.30 to say he wanted to have dinner first so another hour would go by.
He did show at around 7.45. He spent time with her til a little after 9pm.
Again said he could only pay July's rent. I said ok.
Spoke to him once more on Tuesday night.
He wanted to come over and take Jaiden to the park. He did show around 7.45 and kept her outside til almost 9pm.
We talked on his return.
"..do what you have to do. Go get welfare, go get government help. You can get it ..you're a single mom and you're a minority. Its why that help is there. "..I was flabbergasted.
And then it came.
"The place I want isn't available til October. So I can pay your rent here til September. After that I can't pay for mine and yours. So you'll have to move out then. I'm mostly doing it so you and Jaiden don't have to move in with your parents so soon. I already started consulting a company for child support.."
And then he kinda rambled about arbitrators and finances. Apparently this was his mother's idea which he AGREED with.
But then when I told him I had started child support papers as well he said .."Well I can go with you if you want. "..confused.
He didn't stay very long after that.
"Do you need money. "
"I don't have any so yes."
"Do you want to go food shopping tomorrow?" but that wasn't answered because it got side tracked by something else.
But he did remind me.."Do I see myself with you and getting married? No."
Why is he being so nice? Why is making sure I can stay here and he is offering all this help. KNowing he wrecked my and Jaiden's life? Shame? Guilt?
He said he got the place he got because it's out of everyone's way. His parents can't stop by. But then he said he wanted to do this so he'd be able to do things on his own. So he'd grow up. "If I do choose you no one else will matter. Not my parents, not your parents. I don't care if they hate me."
His opinions as to why his sister and mother hates me was this: they don't like that I'm not white. That's all he can come up with. They have no other reason to hate me. Other than his mother says I'm rude and his sister agrees.
He said he'd pay the bills and the rent til September. And I can't understand why he'd tell me all he's said then say he'll do that. I feel as though ..it doesn't make sense.
He said this weekend he'd move all his things out.
I said he should do it Saturday when I'm here.
So I can make sure he takes everything of his. (I didn't tell him that)
But I feel something's off. He has the power to pull this right out from under me. He has all the control now. Money control. My home control. Control over my heart. (and it's because I'm momentarily allowing it. )..should I just move now and avoid the ....whatever's coming?
Does he have some kind of hidden agenda?
What am I not seeing?
Friday, June 22, 2012
i love you
i wish i could turn those words down. i wish with all my heart i could. because i know i can't have you. "yet" doesn't seem like a fair option ...I can't have you 'yet'. in my mind, you don't want me. and it hurts to hear your words repeated ...but i asked you to. to tell me. to be sure. "do you want to be with her?" and you firmly said no. another part of my heart crumbled.
part of me doesn't care what that letter said.
"i had already decided to break up with you the very same day you told me you were pregnant"
..another part of me died.
so far I've cried every day countless times throughout the day.
i want you in my life.
i saw us getting old and grey together.
everything you said in that letter...everything you wanted, i saw it. i loved you 110%. i knew you were my one.
but i guess because it was only me and not us ..that's what makes this hard.
she said i have to give you space. respect your decision. and give you time. not to wait for you.
im just a really bad pretender.
it'll hurt tenfold when you come tonight to give me the rent check. it'll break my heart all over when you start moving your things out. when you turn the keys over.
what am i to do? hide? i'll force myself not to cry in front of you.
i'll try really hard...for you. to make it easier for you to...walk away.
im crushed chris
im so sad.
im so sad you need this space. that you ...are trying to eject me from your heart.
i want to tell you i love you. to call. to text you.
i've read her words so much since the few hours have passed since then and now..
and your words ...are urgently the opposite of what she's saying.
she thinks your letter means you are battling between actually choosing me and being forced to choose me. i'm battling with looking in your eyes as you looked into mine and said "...i don't want to be with you.."
i'm afraid chris...
i'm afraid to let you go and you decide that you want me. as far fetched as it sounds...because once again...your words chime in my mind...and my heart breaks..and it bleeds, and i cry it out..and push forward. i'm afraid that if i ...move on...you...the one thing i wanted for so so long..you'll finally realize it's me and it's been me...and then...i remember your words..and i'm hurt. i'll cry..and push forward.
i'm afraid if i finally let go..you'll want me. and i won't remember your words..and I won't want you back. i won't cry because i want you. i'll cry because you want me and I can't be yours. because i had finally moved one.
once again, it's all so far fetched, you wanting me.
because you don't.
..im scared to not love you. to not have you know i love you.
i'm scared at not being allowed you love you ...out loud.
i miss you.
i'll miss your snoring, your scent, you....i'll miss us.
i'm scared to turn my heart off because ..you need me..you need to know you deserve my love.
i want you. i want to be with you.
i need you. i want you to need me too.
i love you. i want you to love me too.
not ..someone else.
i want us.
because i love us.
..i love you.
part of me doesn't care what that letter said.
"i had already decided to break up with you the very same day you told me you were pregnant"
..another part of me died.
so far I've cried every day countless times throughout the day.
i want you in my life.
i saw us getting old and grey together.
everything you said in that letter...everything you wanted, i saw it. i loved you 110%. i knew you were my one.
but i guess because it was only me and not us ..that's what makes this hard.
she said i have to give you space. respect your decision. and give you time. not to wait for you.
im just a really bad pretender.
it'll hurt tenfold when you come tonight to give me the rent check. it'll break my heart all over when you start moving your things out. when you turn the keys over.
what am i to do? hide? i'll force myself not to cry in front of you.
i'll try really hard...for you. to make it easier for you to...walk away.
im crushed chris
im so sad.
im so sad you need this space. that you ...are trying to eject me from your heart.
i want to tell you i love you. to call. to text you.
i've read her words so much since the few hours have passed since then and now..
and your words ...are urgently the opposite of what she's saying.
she thinks your letter means you are battling between actually choosing me and being forced to choose me. i'm battling with looking in your eyes as you looked into mine and said "...i don't want to be with you.."
i'm afraid chris...
i'm afraid to let you go and you decide that you want me. as far fetched as it sounds...because once again...your words chime in my mind...and my heart breaks..and it bleeds, and i cry it out..and push forward. i'm afraid that if i ...move on...you...the one thing i wanted for so so long..you'll finally realize it's me and it's been me...and then...i remember your words..and i'm hurt. i'll cry..and push forward.
i'm afraid if i finally let go..you'll want me. and i won't remember your words..and I won't want you back. i won't cry because i want you. i'll cry because you want me and I can't be yours. because i had finally moved one.
once again, it's all so far fetched, you wanting me.
because you don't.
..im scared to not love you. to not have you know i love you.
i'm scared at not being allowed you love you ...out loud.
i miss you.
i'll miss your snoring, your scent, you....i'll miss us.
i'm scared to turn my heart off because ..you need me..you need to know you deserve my love.
i want you. i want to be with you.
i need you. i want you to need me too.
i love you. i want you to love me too.
not ..someone else.
i want us.
because i love us.
..i love you.
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
No hope now
"you can't just ruin someone's life and pretend like it never happened..."
I wish those words would mean something if they were said to Chris. But it would fall on deaf ears ... All others have. He said he thought trying was better than giving up. But he wasn't trying at all.
He said he didn't want Jaiden coming from a broken home.
Having two sets of parents.
He didn't want me to raise a child alone.
He didn't think I could survive by myself.
These were all his excuses. But he said that he had already decided this. He was just waiting for the right time. Waiting til after Jaiden's birthday. He said he thinks he knows we will never be more than this. Never be better. Never get married. And he thinks he should move out.
He said all this while hugging me. He felt me break and he said "this is why I don't tell you things. You get upset." my response? "I have feelings"...
That's about all I said since. What else would I say now. Nothing, really.
He left to go tell his parents if his decision. They let him move back home. He returned to get his work stuff and games. Said he will come each day to move stuff bit by bit and by the weekend he should be gone.
...
As fate would have it there is no assistance available for me where I live for housing.
If I break my lease I forfeit my deposit, and pay penalty fines PLUS pay rent until the lease agreement ends or someone rents it.
Luck right?
Yeah.
So I have to sit him down and talk about finances. This. Is going to suck. I hate this. I hate what he's done. I wish he'd done it sooner. Wishing he'd not done it at all is dreaming.
And I don't have room to dream anymore because dreaming takes heart. My heart is broken.
Sent from my iPhone
I wish those words would mean something if they were said to Chris. But it would fall on deaf ears ... All others have. He said he thought trying was better than giving up. But he wasn't trying at all.
He said he didn't want Jaiden coming from a broken home.
Having two sets of parents.
He didn't want me to raise a child alone.
He didn't think I could survive by myself.
These were all his excuses. But he said that he had already decided this. He was just waiting for the right time. Waiting til after Jaiden's birthday. He said he thinks he knows we will never be more than this. Never be better. Never get married. And he thinks he should move out.
He said all this while hugging me. He felt me break and he said "this is why I don't tell you things. You get upset." my response? "I have feelings"...
That's about all I said since. What else would I say now. Nothing, really.
He left to go tell his parents if his decision. They let him move back home. He returned to get his work stuff and games. Said he will come each day to move stuff bit by bit and by the weekend he should be gone.
...
As fate would have it there is no assistance available for me where I live for housing.
If I break my lease I forfeit my deposit, and pay penalty fines PLUS pay rent until the lease agreement ends or someone rents it.
Luck right?
Yeah.
So I have to sit him down and talk about finances. This. Is going to suck. I hate this. I hate what he's done. I wish he'd done it sooner. Wishing he'd not done it at all is dreaming.
And I don't have room to dream anymore because dreaming takes heart. My heart is broken.
Sent from my iPhone
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