Valentine's Day 7.03pm

Regret
I hope you live with plenty
Fill it with everything and everyone
Yet still know you're empty

Love
Suicidal you ruined it so
Every strike and every cut
How can you forgive an "I didn't know".

Fear
Suffocating in all the pain
Another drag another drink
You haven't the strength to refrain

Death
Resolution unabashed and freeing
Destroy everything around you
Not learning at all but constantly repeating.

Valentine's Day - ruined 10.27pm

Lost your way
I get it
Trying hard to stay above.

And without thinking
You did it
Ruined the one thing you had to love.

So you point your fingers
Throw the blame
Broke her already fragile heart.

By thinking it was ok
To replace her
The very moment you were apart.

No space nor time
Reverse the roles
You wept at single kiss.

In absence you hurt
But still did
Not enough time did you give for her to miss.

Such empty words
I didn't know
A shame you forgot to think.

Forgot about your love
In a matter of moments
How low did you make her heart sink.

Repeatedly so
Thought it was ok
How cruel could you have been.

Let love never find
Ignore and avoid you
Let it be something you cannot fall in.

Head strange

I have had such terrible luck with my head lately. I have been up and extremely up and then down. Then, the great decline. Chris – seemingly making changes reverted right back to his self after saying he wanted to be with me and not see other women. Then, after Christmas, opted to say otherwise.

My friendship action plan with Ethan failed when he went from saying he wanted to be with me to not knowing, once again. BUT I let him know I didn’t want a relationship with him. I just wanted to be his friend. I just wanted to be a part of his life. And I, of all people, should know that when feelings are involved, you cannot be friends. Hell, that was my motto. “I don’t want to be your friend because I can’t.”

He said he wanted to be with me. And didn’t want to beg but felt it was the only way I’d make a decision about being together.

After everything got shot to hell, my depression worsened on top of the fact that I was placed on two anti-depressants which made me utterly crazy. I was driven to end my life. I imagined taking all 28 pills and not waking up – and that thought got me scared. I couldn’t fathom not waking up. But I didn’t want to be awake. I didn’t want to be alive.

So, I stopped taking the medications all together. I think part of me is happy that I couldn’t find it that night because God alone knows what would have happened if I had gotten my hands on it.

I’d lost a lot of weight. – which reminds me right now I should go weigh myself. Ugh, 93lbs.

I just look completely withdrawn and the withdrawal from the pills is making me nuts. I can feel it every moment of the day. And I’m fighting to not take them at night. And they weren’t even prescribed FOR depression. It’s for the headaches and the vertigo that came from the car accident.

I hate this part of life. Because I want to live but I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to face anything. I don’t want to do anything, go anywhere, or see anyone. But I don’t want to be alone.

I’m at a difficult cross roads because Chris …ugh…

And Ethan. Double ugh.

I think with him it’s just the idea of him …and the physical attraction. He’s 20 and he looks like…THAT.

Hell, I don’t know anymore. I need to just…get away from everyone. I actually avoid my phone. I just don’t…want to care.

Random

Lyrically inclined
Chasing lies
Breaking free by severing ties.

Dreams are naught
Trapped in paranoia
I was mislead by a twisted euphoria.

Cut this wrist
Bursting these chains
Shedding my life til nothing remains.

There goes my soul
I let it go to the wind.
Gone so fast with no time to recind.

Fragile, it's gone
I've sold it for dust
But sold it for love...or was it lust?

Eulogy

She was ...
She hated life. Truthfully.
She loved everyone around her and always gave herself fully.
She felt her place wasn't here or now.
And with life's gifts that was given...her family..her daughter..her many accomplishments and her positive impact on people...she still felt misplaced.

She felt trapped. Lost. And forgotten.
After years of fighting. She finally laid her sword down and let the shield drop. She gave in.

Bleh

Logging my memories
Within the past
Time is coming at me
At a pace far too fast.

Ends are tied
I'm saying goodbyes
Righting my few wrongs
Undoing my final lies.

Letters written
And then torn apart
Saying farewell with a smile
Resting my heart.

No more facades
No more pretend games
No more throwing the lasso
Wild hearts remain untamed.

No dirt to cover
Just ashes to throw
In different directions
This is the world I know.

Fin

I think of death.  Often. I wonder what would happen after I close my eyes ... would I remember? Would I see? ....me.
I envision just seeing everything after as if it were a movie playing out before me.
I don't sleep anymore.
I don't find happiness in anything anymore.
I have decided that I'd rather be burned than buried.
I want a stranger to read my eulogy that I would have already written.

I think about how I could die painlessly but quickly. Pills. Knife. Drinking poison.

I resorted to emailing the samaritans a few days ago.
I stopped writing back because it didn't help.
I feel like I have a lot to say and no one to say it to because no one can help me.

I feel empty.
I feel lost.
I'm lonely.