Head strange

I have had such terrible luck with my head lately. I have been up and extremely up and then down. Then, the great decline. Chris – seemingly making changes reverted right back to his self after saying he wanted to be with me and not see other women. Then, after Christmas, opted to say otherwise.

My friendship action plan with Ethan failed when he went from saying he wanted to be with me to not knowing, once again. BUT I let him know I didn’t want a relationship with him. I just wanted to be his friend. I just wanted to be a part of his life. And I, of all people, should know that when feelings are involved, you cannot be friends. Hell, that was my motto. “I don’t want to be your friend because I can’t.”

He said he wanted to be with me. And didn’t want to beg but felt it was the only way I’d make a decision about being together.

After everything got shot to hell, my depression worsened on top of the fact that I was placed on two anti-depressants which made me utterly crazy. I was driven to end my life. I imagined taking all 28 pills and not waking up – and that thought got me scared. I couldn’t fathom not waking up. But I didn’t want to be awake. I didn’t want to be alive.

So, I stopped taking the medications all together. I think part of me is happy that I couldn’t find it that night because God alone knows what would have happened if I had gotten my hands on it.

I’d lost a lot of weight. – which reminds me right now I should go weigh myself. Ugh, 93lbs.

I just look completely withdrawn and the withdrawal from the pills is making me nuts. I can feel it every moment of the day. And I’m fighting to not take them at night. And they weren’t even prescribed FOR depression. It’s for the headaches and the vertigo that came from the car accident.

I hate this part of life. Because I want to live but I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to face anything. I don’t want to do anything, go anywhere, or see anyone. But I don’t want to be alone.

I’m at a difficult cross roads because Chris …ugh…

And Ethan. Double ugh.

I think with him it’s just the idea of him …and the physical attraction. He’s 20 and he looks like…THAT.

Hell, I don’t know anymore. I need to just…get away from everyone. I actually avoid my phone. I just don’t…want to care.

Random

Lyrically inclined
Chasing lies
Breaking free by severing ties.

Dreams are naught
Trapped in paranoia
I was mislead by a twisted euphoria.

Cut this wrist
Bursting these chains
Shedding my life til nothing remains.

There goes my soul
I let it go to the wind.
Gone so fast with no time to recind.

Fragile, it's gone
I've sold it for dust
But sold it for love...or was it lust?

Eulogy

She was ...
She hated life. Truthfully.
She loved everyone around her and always gave herself fully.
She felt her place wasn't here or now.
And with life's gifts that was given...her family..her daughter..her many accomplishments and her positive impact on people...she still felt misplaced.

She felt trapped. Lost. And forgotten.
After years of fighting. She finally laid her sword down and let the shield drop. She gave in.

Bleh

Logging my memories
Within the past
Time is coming at me
At a pace far too fast.

Ends are tied
I'm saying goodbyes
Righting my few wrongs
Undoing my final lies.

Letters written
And then torn apart
Saying farewell with a smile
Resting my heart.

No more facades
No more pretend games
No more throwing the lasso
Wild hearts remain untamed.

No dirt to cover
Just ashes to throw
In different directions
This is the world I know.

Fin

I think of death.  Often. I wonder what would happen after I close my eyes ... would I remember? Would I see? ....me.
I envision just seeing everything after as if it were a movie playing out before me.
I don't sleep anymore.
I don't find happiness in anything anymore.
I have decided that I'd rather be burned than buried.
I want a stranger to read my eulogy that I would have already written.

I think about how I could die painlessly but quickly. Pills. Knife. Drinking poison.

I resorted to emailing the samaritans a few days ago.
I stopped writing back because it didn't help.
I feel like I have a lot to say and no one to say it to because no one can help me.

I feel empty.
I feel lost.
I'm lonely.

Bad ideas

What would you have me do
When I hear your name
Than to recall the moments shared
Time that would never be the same.

What would you have me do
When I hear you speak
The sound of your voice unmatched
Years from now I'd still be weak.

What would you have me do
When I see your face
When I'm reminded that my life
For you, has no space.

What would you have me do
For someone I chose to love
For someone who gave me away
I sought solace in skies above.

What would you have me do
The nights I cried helplessly
To find the strength to go on
And all I wanted was to act so selfishly.

What would you have me do
Years have gone on past
I had to say goodbye to you
Knowing that last time was in fact the last.

Falling away

Tonight I surrender
To all the sadness and pain
Fighting through years of hurt
Completely in vain

Tonight the shield lowers
Sword dropped from clutch
Warrior to thine knees
I fall. I've fought too much

Wounds too many
Far too many to keep
None completely healed
I need time to finally weep

I release my armor
I'll devise no more plans
Done leading the battle
The last of my strength within my hands

Mind numb
Heart cold
Limbs broken and worn

Lower the flag
My time is over
I surrender. Defeat is born.

(..I don't really love it .)