She was ...
She hated life. Truthfully.
She loved everyone around her and always gave herself fully.
She felt her place wasn't here or now.
And with life's gifts that was given...her family..her daughter..her many accomplishments and her positive impact on people...she still felt misplaced.
She felt trapped. Lost. And forgotten.
After years of fighting. She finally laid her sword down and let the shield drop. She gave in.
Logging my memories
Within the past
Time is coming at me
At a pace far too fast.
Ends are tied
I'm saying goodbyes
Righting my few wrongs
Undoing my final lies.
Letters written
And then torn apart
Saying farewell with a smile
Resting my heart.
No more facades
No more pretend games
No more throwing the lasso
Wild hearts remain untamed.
No dirt to cover
Just ashes to throw
In different directions
This is the world I know.
I think of death. Often. I wonder what would happen after I close my eyes ... would I remember? Would I see? ....me.
I envision just seeing everything after as if it were a movie playing out before me.
I don't sleep anymore.
I don't find happiness in anything anymore.
I have decided that I'd rather be burned than buried.
I want a stranger to read my eulogy that I would have already written.
I think about how I could die painlessly but quickly. Pills. Knife. Drinking poison.
I resorted to emailing the samaritans a few days ago.
I stopped writing back because it didn't help.
I feel like I have a lot to say and no one to say it to because no one can help me.
I feel empty.
I feel lost.
I'm lonely.
What would you have me do
When I hear your name
Than to recall the moments shared
Time that would never be the same.
What would you have me do
When I hear you speak
The sound of your voice unmatched
Years from now I'd still be weak.
What would you have me do
When I see your face
When I'm reminded that my life
For you, has no space.
What would you have me do
For someone I chose to love
For someone who gave me away
I sought solace in skies above.
What would you have me do
The nights I cried helplessly
To find the strength to go on
And all I wanted was to act so selfishly.
What would you have me do
Years have gone on past
I had to say goodbye to you
Knowing that last time was in fact the last.
Tonight I surrender
To all the sadness and pain
Fighting through years of hurt
Completely in vain
Tonight the shield lowers
Sword dropped from clutch
Warrior to thine knees
I fall. I've fought too much
Wounds too many
Far too many to keep
None completely healed
I need time to finally weep
I release my armor
I'll devise no more plans
Done leading the battle
The last of my strength within my hands
Mind numb
Heart cold
Limbs broken and worn
Lower the flag
My time is over
I surrender. Defeat is born.
(..I don't really love it .)
My mind is racing
I can't quiet it down
I'm faking that smile
Trapped in my crown.
Upon the terrace waving
The cheers for this face
Inside I'm dying
Its already an unwon race
Make it all stop
Turn down the lights
Make the world quiet
I'm done refereeing my fights
No more pictures
No more scripts to read
Just let it all end
Bring it all at full speed
No more happy go lucky
No more mother of the year
Quitting this game
I need the hell out of here.
I feel like I lost my best friend. And I haven't had one since I was a child. 6 months. I told him everything. I opened up to him in ways I never had with anyone else. I just...it was right. But I'm heartbroken. I just can't seem to have the same mind set anymore. And I know I'll be alright. I know I will. It's new. It's fresh. The wound hurts more because I didn't want to fall in love with him. And as hard as I fought it...I did.
And I fell hard because he had all the qualities I wanted in a mate. Just...he wasn't old enough to walk through this thing called Life with me because he had yet to live it. So young. And if it wasn't for his age and lack of experience in life...we would be perfect.
And I know there's still time...he could come back. But I just am too fearful now to even look that far ahead.
I was his first love. His first time. And his longest relationship. I understood him. Understood him so well that I knew it was wrong to keep him ...so I let him go.
I let go of everything I'd ever wanted. Because... .of time.
I keep dreaming he'll text me or call me asking me to let him in at some ungodly hour or he'll show up at my job while I'm staring off into the sky from the lobby. And he'll put his arms around me from behind and as much as I would fall apart...he'd hold me. Cry with me.
The idea seemed real. Seemed fitting. The reality of it all was he was too young to make such a commitment because he hadn't done anything to make a choice for.
We just..happened.
....and now I hate what's happening.
I keep dying to text him. Tell him I need him. God how I need him.
But that wouldn't be right. It would make letting go hard for him ...and healing hard for me.
But...he needs me too.
