Bleh

Logging my memories
Within the past
Time is coming at me
At a pace far too fast.

Ends are tied
I'm saying goodbyes
Righting my few wrongs
Undoing my final lies.

Letters written
And then torn apart
Saying farewell with a smile
Resting my heart.

No more facades
No more pretend games
No more throwing the lasso
Wild hearts remain untamed.

No dirt to cover
Just ashes to throw
In different directions
This is the world I know.

Fin

I think of death.  Often. I wonder what would happen after I close my eyes ... would I remember? Would I see? ....me.
I envision just seeing everything after as if it were a movie playing out before me.
I don't sleep anymore.
I don't find happiness in anything anymore.
I have decided that I'd rather be burned than buried.
I want a stranger to read my eulogy that I would have already written.

I think about how I could die painlessly but quickly. Pills. Knife. Drinking poison.

I resorted to emailing the samaritans a few days ago.
I stopped writing back because it didn't help.
I feel like I have a lot to say and no one to say it to because no one can help me.

I feel empty.
I feel lost.
I'm lonely.

Bad ideas

What would you have me do
When I hear your name
Than to recall the moments shared
Time that would never be the same.

What would you have me do
When I hear you speak
The sound of your voice unmatched
Years from now I'd still be weak.

What would you have me do
When I see your face
When I'm reminded that my life
For you, has no space.

What would you have me do
For someone I chose to love
For someone who gave me away
I sought solace in skies above.

What would you have me do
The nights I cried helplessly
To find the strength to go on
And all I wanted was to act so selfishly.

What would you have me do
Years have gone on past
I had to say goodbye to you
Knowing that last time was in fact the last.

Falling away

Tonight I surrender
To all the sadness and pain
Fighting through years of hurt
Completely in vain

Tonight the shield lowers
Sword dropped from clutch
Warrior to thine knees
I fall. I've fought too much

Wounds too many
Far too many to keep
None completely healed
I need time to finally weep

I release my armor
I'll devise no more plans
Done leading the battle
The last of my strength within my hands

Mind numb
Heart cold
Limbs broken and worn

Lower the flag
My time is over
I surrender. Defeat is born.

(..I don't really love it .)

Anxiety

My mind is racing
I can't quiet it down
I'm faking that smile
Trapped in my crown.

Upon the terrace waving
The cheers for this face
Inside I'm dying
Its already an unwon race

Make it all stop
Turn down the lights
Make the world quiet
I'm done refereeing my fights

No more pictures
No more scripts to read
Just let it all end
Bring it all at full speed

No more happy go lucky
No more mother of the year
Quitting this game
I need the hell out of here.

Lost in transition

I feel like I lost my best friend. And I haven't had one since I was a child. 6 months. I told him everything.  I opened up to him in ways I never had with anyone else. I just...it was right. But I'm heartbroken. I just can't seem to have the same mind set anymore. And I know I'll be alright. I know I will. It's new. It's fresh. The wound hurts more because I didn't want to fall in love with him. And as hard as I fought it...I did.
And I fell hard because he had all the qualities I wanted in a mate. Just...he wasn't old enough to walk through this thing called Life with me because he had yet to live it. So young.  And if it wasn't for his age and lack of experience in life...we would be perfect.
And I know there's still time...he could come back. But I just am too fearful now to even look that far ahead.
I was his first love. His first time. And his longest relationship.  I understood him. Understood him so well that I knew it was wrong to keep him ...so I let him go.
I let go of everything I'd ever wanted. Because... .of time.
I keep dreaming he'll text me or call me asking me to let him in at some ungodly hour or he'll show up at my job while I'm staring off into the sky from the lobby. And he'll put his arms around me from behind and as much as I would fall apart...he'd hold me. Cry with me.
The idea seemed real. Seemed fitting. The reality of it all was he was too young to make such a commitment because he hadn't done anything to make a choice for.
We just..happened.
....and now I hate what's happening. 

I keep dying to text him. Tell him I need him. God how I need him.
But that wouldn't be right. It would make letting go hard for him ...and healing hard for me.

But...he needs me too.

Love today...

I believe in marriage. I believe that when you choose that person to be with you for what is, in my mind, the rest of your life, you do what it takes. You don't run away - and by running I mean, avoiding conversations, or talking or sorting things out when necessary. And of course the actual form of running away.

I believe that hurdles are deeper and greater than that of the average dating couple. Dating couples haven't made that conscious decision to be together 'forever'. And sadly, in today's lifestyle, there is no such thing anymore. We've made it so easy to walk away.

Maybe that's why I'm 31 and never been engaged or married. Because my mentality and approach for the whole thing is so drastically different than that of the average man or even woman of today.
My mentality for marriage is old school.

In those hurdles you have to keep in mind that you both chose to be with each other, because they were both worth fighting to be with. Fighting whatever problems came your way. Not physically fighting. And not a specific person, although, I would personally fight a man or woman for what is mine and should be mine alone.

Your issues now have to be seen and handled with different eyes. Because it's a form of 'forever' you're caught up in.
I hate that people enter marriage with the thought that they can just walk away if and when they can. Nothing is sacred and nothing is worth the battle.

I hate love today, truthfully. I truly do. Because a love today seems so shallow and foreign. So fake and nonchalant. "Eh, if it doesn't work then you can leave." Why should you carve your mentality on something as wonderful as love to be so vacant.

If I'm not happy I can leave.
Well...what about the other half of that relationship, man? Doesn't that person count?

Did you talk to them to find out that they understood how you felt and understood that no matter how much they wanted it to work, your effort wouldn't be enough to help it along? Did you say that? Do they understand? Because they'd be smart enough to see that one person can't carry an entire relationship on their own. One person can't do all the loving and fighting. And they'll have to surrender to the decision that it's over. And they'll say 'Hey...I don't want to do this, I don't want it to come to this, but I understand that it has to happen because your heart and mind just isn't here anymore...and I have to accept that... I'm sad, I'm so sad, and I'm hurt but...I'll get it."

Those words hurt. But they'll understand and respect you for those words one day.
ONE DAY.
You know why?
Because you said it. You sat down and talked and they heard you and they might be mad, and sad and hurt but they'll understand.

I'm not saying this is flawless as an approach in any way.
Hell, that's the delivery I was given, perhaps a bit colder. "We will never be more than this. I don't want to marry you..." - that was what was given to me a year and a half ago.
But now, I get it. I got it a few months ago and granted I'm still being yo-yod around, I get it. Get it enough to move on into another relationship. Because back then I couldn't fathom being with someone who wasn't him. And now, it doesn't seem so far off.