Judge me

Judge me

I know I haven’t been on this in a long while. I have had so much going on that I just don’t have the time nor the patience to sit behind my PC and write up my thoughts and ideas. Mainly because I’m afraid of how I’d judge me. Not so much anyone else, but as I said, writing it puts it out there, in perspective, in black and white reality. The words are right there staring back at me. I have this current sliver of self-loathing for myself since Saturday. Or even Mother’s Day. Why? Because I kissed Chris. Or rather he kissed me and I kissed him back.

 It’s been months since we talked. Or even had any kind of contact, much less anything physical. I still know he’s the only one who can do what he does to me. For me.  

Since Ethan started to pursue me, I’ve enjoyed the attention. He’s very loving and sweet. Honestly, he’s the sweetest. He’s also 11 years younger than I. And truly, the only time I pay attention to our age, is when I’m alone. I don’t treat him like a child but he does childish things. He borderlines annoying and irritating. But he’s 19. I can’t fault him for acting his age.
I'm just ..I have my ideas of what I like and what I don't like. How I want things done and all that jazz. I feel unfair to him because I know he feels judged. I don't know what it is but sometimes he really does aggravate me to no end.
A week ago I had to have a very professional conversation with him because he seems to think acting, dressing and talking a certain way because he's JUST an INTERN at my job deems him unaccountable. Wrong. Dead wrong. I told him he has no idea who he'll meet, who is looking or listening to him when he's running his mouth and it can affect him in the future once he graduates. He thought I was using that as a smoke screen for trying to tell him he embarrasses me at work. And you know what, on some level, he does. Because he acts like a child - but I didn't tell him that.

I just wanted him to know he has to treat this as he would anything else he'd hope to get ahead in. He HAS to respect it if he wants the same. He has to dress and walk and act a certain way. And I think he heard me. Because I made sure to assert the fact that it wasn't a PERSONAL attack on him. It was a manager talking to an intern about his habits and behavior at work.

The next day he changed his attire. His actions changed. Granted he still thinks he can hug me at work. Which sometimes it's doable, but most often than not, it's not.
I just want him to understand that in the work field, it's not games and 'sliding by'. Regardless of who he is.
Unfortunately, it was short lived but I can only hope it carries over. He got another internship doing something he likes with another company. So he will no longer be here. I hope he keeps the dress code and work mentality in mind when he goes toward the next step.

We have a lot of deep discussions. And I know it changes how he sees me, and part of me just doesn't care.
I want him to somehow realize this isn't what he needs. I can be a stepping stone for him to something bigger, greater. Maybe someone more understanding and wonderful to him, for him. I think that's also why I haven't slept with him either. I just can't bring myself to. He's not Chris. He doesn't know me, my body, where to touch me, how to touch me, despite how much eh wants to.

Speaking of which, I did however see Chris Sunday on his weekend. We all spent the day together. Him, myself and Jaiden. It was wonderful.
And then again on Monday when he brought her home. He ended up staying longer than anticipated and needless to say, that 8 month hiatus of physical contact from anyone, Chris himself being the past person I was with, was shattered. I couldn't say no and e couldn't keep away. We just fell into each other.

And so now...I feel that self loathing because why? I'm kind of with Ethan, and I slept with Chris. And won't sleep with Ethan. Is that wrong? Am I ...well yes it is cheating technically. And I hate that I've done it. And I keep thinking "But it was with Chris and he's the only one I want" as if those words would make what I did ok. As if it would excuse me from doing it. I just...I can't sleep with Ethan and have it mean something and I don't want to sleep with him and have it mean nothing. To him he doesn't care. He's a guy. He's a horny 19 year old guy.
But to me, it's worlds different.
And to me, Chris is everything ...
I'm torn between having something so great and wanting something so wrong.
It makes me just another statistic, really. I've got a great person who wants to be and give me everything and is concerned with my happiness and well being, and I'm busy chasing after the asshole who doesn't give a fuck.
I can't win. or maybe I can and I just don't want to.
I need patience and resolve for this dilemma. Because I can't keep this charade up. As much fun as it is to always have someone worship the ground you walk on while you're carrying some douchebag on your back, I can't do it anymore. I can't do it to myself or to Ethan.

This sucks.

 

Young love.

There's so much I could say. But really, what else can I say except I think I might MIGHT be sorta kinda over Chris.

Maybe. I might just be caught up in all the joys and excitement of someone new.
Who knew???
Me...finding someone new.
And it wasn't even me. It was all him.
And granted there are many vast differences between us - the biggest one being our age difference. Aside from that...things are awesome. And I'm afraid that with age, that changes. But with every visit, which isn't often, as we're both very busy, every text, which is also not often because ..again, busy. He assures me of a future.
But it's still too soon to tell.

Last night he slipped up and we both heard it ...he said the infamous 3 words. His only reaction as he stuffed his face into the pillow was "Aw fuck..."...
And here's the best part.
It took me some time to hold his hand.
To kiss him.
We haven't slept together. As much as I want to. And yes I want to but that's because I haven't had sex in like, 7 months. I told him I don't want to be 'that girl.' His reply was "You know and I know you are not that girl and will never be."...

He's so young. But he makes me feel wonderous.
God, you've got a wild sense of humor.
You gave me something so amazing in the package of a 19 year old male. Lol.

Fuck....

But he is genuinely concerned with my happiness.
He physically loves every part of me, from the differences of our palms to my 'bony shoulders' as he so 'eloquently' put it.
He's kind.
He's patient.
He's fine with helping me regain who I was ...like, really was.
I love listening to him speak about his jobs, his volunteering, his studying, his goals and aspirations. And I enjoy telling him how wonderful he makes me feel. And so does he. Lol.
He admits he enjoys the validation I give him of how great he is because it's motivation for him to be more, be better - because as awesome as he is, he thinks, get this..HE THINKS HE ISN'T GOOD ENOUGH.

And I can't ruin this. I can't self-sabotage this.
And I feel like I might. And seriously, the best part about all my insecurities and inhibitions is, I can talk to him about it and we can work through it, together. He really does listen and soothe me. He makes it all ok. He makes me forget all the horrible things and how cruel some men are. But then again, I chalk it up to his age, his youth, and his lack of know.

He hasn't been ripped apart by someone he's given his all too and it frightens me that I might be that person to teach him what a broken heart is really like. I don't want to hurt him. I'm trying so hard not to hurt him.
It's frightening how much I like him.
It's only been a few weeks and I feel like I might be more than in like.
But I know better, and my adult mind tells me this isn't love. It might be down the line but right now, it's not. It cannot be.

He says he sees us getting married and having kids. Soon. And when I asked why the rush his response is that he knows if he waits too long, I either won't want to have children or may not be able to. He wants kids of his own. Kids he's 'forged' as he put it. Lol. And he also doesn't want me to be 'too old' when our child graduates high school or college, and then he still wants us to be able to enoy life together. WHAT 19 YEAR OLD SAYS THESE THINGS!!! (the kind that doesn't know)....I feel like crap for feeling that way but it's true.

He feels as though one day Jaiden will be his daughter, so he considers her as such now. When he talks to her he is reminded that one day...in the future she might be his step-daughter and he wants another child.
He wants a family he can share things with and teach and enjoy life with.
These are great things to want. But am I the right one to want them with.

TBC!