Things

I find myself lost on just that. Material things. I've never been interested in things. In clothes, money, jewelry, shoes, bags, games, anything of that nature. Anything that could be a ... Luxury, anything that someone in my position in life would need to work hard for. I am cautious with money, more so with someone else's.

But lately, I find myself looking at things. Wanting things. For my birthday this year I had Chris buy me earrings. Late but still, I wanted it. I find myself looking for bags, not just random ones but brand name shit. And that's not me. I'm looking for clothes, nail polishes, shoes. I spent money on my hair. Not the 12$ hair cuts or the at home dye jobs but ... I spent more on my hair than I possibly ever have .. That means as a mother. In my time as a parent, I've never indulged. I never ever splurge on me. My mother spoils me and us. She's always buying us things for home or our personal selves. So after asking for those expensive ass earrings, I went and bought an expensive hand bag from fucking Coach. Seriously? And the bad part? It wasn't even my money I spent.

I know I'm not becoming selfish or greedy. I was able to save an incredible amount of money lately but then turned around and paid my parents' tax that they owed due to a W2 mistake which cost them over 1000$. And I paid it off. In full. So with that done, I was down to diddly squat. So with them paying me back with what they can on a weekly basis, I'm slowly rebuilding my depleted funds.

But I feel as thought I know this is the most I will ever get from this relationship. I made a commitment and even though to me it's 100% I know to him it's not so I'm taking advantage of what I can while I can because this is ALL its ever going to be. I'll never have anything more from him so I'll take all that I can. I'll drain him without hurting him or us. Without hurting his finances or his ability to pay our bills. Without him feeling he has no freedom to spend on what he wants when he wants.

He can go out and buy what games he wants. The random CD or DVD or some gift for whatever the occasion for whoever.

I am lost on things. Things I want and won't enjoy. Those earrings? Haven't worn them yet.
That bag probably won't get used because I go no where aside from work. Whatever else I may get will get tucked away and thought of but never utilized because it's just...things.

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