Lines

Cheshire grin,
a line
He is faking, she is breaking
Waiting in sin
Neither one part taking.

A choice and chance,
that line
None willing to have
Who speaks first, neither
They'll both starve.

They'll both lie,
damn line
And they'll both ache
They'll both live
With this haunting mistake

To reach for,
near the line
To hold, neither can start
Neither willing to risk
The rejection of their heart.

If she went forward,
past the line
He could easily turn away
If he went forward
She couldn't be sure he'd stay.

If they would, they could
erase the line
But neither willing to see
Get rid of the line,
the imaginary fucking line
They'll be exactly where they ought to be.

The universe decided...

..at least that's how I want to look at it. My greed was getting out of control and life said "Wait...no." 
Ethan and I had been doing wonderfully. 
And Chris and I had been doing wonderfully.
And all of a sudden, after 12 hours give or take, Ethan decided to leave. I was angry. And I didn't fight. I just let it go.
Because I guess, a part of me knew it was the better decision.
In his eyes, he felt he shouldn't be in a serious relationship. This after everything he's said and done. 

I guess it's better this way; having him feel like he made the decision and he's right.
Who knows.

I cried. I drank. A LOT. And I think I'm ok.
Still sad. Why? He was great. Just..young. Lots to learn.

I'd been accepted back into the Patrizzo family. Spent Christmas and New Years with them. Chris has been better. So much better. And maybe, this is how it's supposed to be. Maybe.
I just don't know anymore and I guess it's not time to question anything.

Dec. 30th, 11.15am

He gave me roses today
He said it was so I wouldn't cry.
Wipe your tears with their petals, he said
Use their tenderness before they die.

But such beauty they had
So soft and fragile too
To take from them what he said
Was something I couldn't do.

So he held my hand and calmed my tears
Said keep the roses near me so
Should I cry anymore
The tears had somewhere to go.

He kept me safe and kept me warm
A salvation in a man's disguise
Claiming another souls outcast
As a lonely lovers prize.

If anything, situations like these spawn some great pieces.

I feel as though, I've never been a greedy person when it comes to love. I've always only ever wanted one person. And then, I didn't ...I had 2. I had everything I wanted and in my head, it wasn't enough. My heart wanted to be elsewhere ...away from everything I wanted. 

BUT!

As our relationship, Ethan and mines, was progressing, I was giving in more to him. After 9 months I'd finally worn earrings, of which I'd told him "I would only wear when I'm committed to us, to the relationship.", I told him I loved him. 

So ..I gave him everything he wanted. And he still chose to not be with me. So this, isn't a me thing. Which I knew. 

And somehow it feels as though Chris is finding emotions he had a long long time ago. How? He looks at me with eyes I haven't seen in YEARS. He holds me in a way I'd not felt in ages from him. And a kiss. He's more affectionate to me. Not WORLDS more but...for him, it's a noticeable change. 

I think that's why I'm sad, and maybe my feelings for Ethan were in fact, real. I really did love him. I really did care. I wasn't just fooling myself. But I knew we had no future, I guess? 

So losing him hurt, but ...not detrimental, I suppose.

I don't know. I'm just trying to rationalize a situation where no rational is needed.